day after birthday entry
@ 5:04 p.m.
still no time to read anyone's diaries, and it makes me guiltier and guiltier every time i log on and see that red buddy list lit up. in any case, i desperately wanted to write for once and instead of letting myself forget or wahtever, i pushed myself to allow a little time to write now.. as to whether i was sucessful, that's a totally different matter altogether because i have to leave here by 5:30 to make my evening class at the gym, and fyi, i've been late every time cause i always leave work late (yes, still currently at work)... it's pretty much been hell since chingy left around here. and i have never felt so busy. i really don't even take a full hour lunch anymore. and i know i'm glad that he's gone because well, i didn't like him that much, but it sucks on the other hand that we don't really have a replacement yet.
anyway, i'm getting off track, the reason why i wanted to write was because yesterday was my birthday. and i noticed here that i can't remember the last time that i wrote about my birthday (and i really wanted to write yesterdy actually about this, on my birthday, but that was damn well impossibel with how little free time i had and since c was around). i never write about my birthday, because well, there really isn't usually anything to write about. my birthday is uneventful, and it pretty much has been every year, that's why i never even remember to point out that my birthday even passed. but i wanted to write about it this year, not cause i really have anything to say (cause i dont), but i'd like to write about it anyway.
i think part of the problem with my birthday is that i'm supposed to be happy, happier anyway, and i don't think i really was yesterday, not when i had thought about it. the truth is that despite that iw ould like to be happy (happier) on my birthday, i'm not really happy about thigns in my life in general, so it's hard to be extra happy on a birthday, when all birthdays seems to do is highlight the feelings you already feel, which is mostly loneliness in my life. i couldn't help but notice how sad i actually truly felt about my life, and mostly how disappointed i am with things, that when i really should be happy, i just feel so uneventful about the whole thing, which only made it worse.
actually, i was rather surprised that the only redeeming feature about my birthday that spending it with c was a lot more worthwhile then i thought it would be. we didn't really do anything, but it was nice. particularly the part where he slept with me in my bad.. until about 3am, when he had to leave before my mom found out that he was still around. i know normally i stay up for awhile doing stuff, and i think it's really nice knowing that i can fall asleep really easily when he's around. when he's holding me, and when i'm sleeping with him, i ALWAYS fall asleep 10 times faster. and i think that's about the only thing that follows on par with any of the romance novels i read. i feel really comfortable and happy when i'm falling asleep with someone else, but i can't help but wonder if that's only because i have someone or if it's because of c.
which totally brings me to last night.. what happened and the dream i had. i kept thinking about the way i used to me, my former self. i can't help but realize how cynical i am, and i can't help but almost realize that i really am not in love with c. i love him and i am comfortable with him, and as crazy as i know i am for saying this, i never thought i'd be one of those people to choose comfortable ness over real love, and i think part of the problem is me, that i'm too lazy/too scared/too apathetic/too everything to bother trying to find real love. and also that i don't think i could hurt c's feelings like that. and i think he knows it that i'm not passionate. OK, I KNOW HE KNOWS IT, but i can't put passion into something i don't feel, and i have to wonder if it's really because of him or if it's me, the way i am, that i'm so apathetic i'm incapable of really, truly feeling passion.
(running out of writing time) but the dream last night, proved me otherwise. i had a dream about eric.. and c. but c was like someone else... actually, he kind of reminded me of what i might expect out of jeff, but i know that wasn't him, it was supposed to be c. and c was completely different, someone who was the "right one", the one i was supposed to marry, because of stature, the way he treated me.. everything was supposed to be screaming out perfect, but instead i was holding out, wanting, desperately hoping that eric would still be interested in me, and that i wanted to be with him still. and even though logically c was the better choice, i couldn't control the way my heart felt, and i wanted eric to love me. and by the end of the dream, i think i had almost chosen to be with c, but then eric revealed to me that he was still in love me and wanted to be with me... and i can't remember how the dream ended. and it just really enforces my knowledge about how i feel about c with love when i think about this dream.
last night, after we had looked around target for awhile, we left the store, and was going to get something to eat, but then c noticed a dark area, and decided to park there to make out and do similar stuff like that. as he was going towards a dark area, i kept thinking in my head, god i hope he doesn't stop, i really don't want to, nor am in the mood for anything like that.. and i felt relieved when he kep driving... only to stop at a slightly more darker area a little past the other area. and i wasn't really dreading it or anything as we stopped, but it made me realize just how much passion i really have for him. and i don't mind kissing him, i even liked doing that i supposed, but i knew tath i would be bothered if he tried anything else, anything further. so i told him not to, and later he revelaed he was surprised that i was even willing to let him kiss me, as i'm usually so willing to push him away, and not do any of this type of stuff..
and the crazy part, is me and eric did this kind of stuff nearly EVERY DAY, at least a few times a week. and i never got old of it, and never got tired of it. he never made me even come once, and i always faked it with him, but it didn't make it any less enjoyable, and now that i'm in this "real" relationship with c, whom i have never faked it with, i don't care at all for this, let's park on the side of the dark road/parking lot and do "stuff". and i really can't explain it. i don't know how to explain it. am i just passionless because i dont' feel anything for c, or that i don't feel anything in general? i guess maybe part of it has to do with the fact taht i'm no longer a teenager looking around for a good time, but surely there's a reason why i indwardly wince when c touches my nipples. i am so bothered by teh fact that i'm so easily turned on by that. i don't want him turning me on. why is that? i really honestly believe it's because i jsut don't like to be turned on, i just don't like to be horny all the time, and i'm just simply not in the mood most of the time. but what's it's not really just that? what if it really is that i'm not passionate, and more to the point, not passionate about c. what if it'll only ever be comfort between us? and i guess i'm okay with that, but from the looks of things, i don't think c will be. and i think he deserves better than that, but i don't think it's something i can give him.
i wish it was easier for me to feel, but i just always feel so unapathetic. i've thought about visting a shrink since i have health insurance now, but how well i manage to find the time to go... and i remember that when i had done something similar before in college, it didn't really help. so i wonder if it'll help this time, and i don't really want to take pills to try to fix my depression... i kind of like who i am, that i'm apathetic, but it gets in the way of so much stuff really, and mostly, i just wish SOMEONE would reach out to me. why can't it be more like the books i read?
WOW- it's almost 5:40.. i'm going to be late for class again!! so sick of being late..