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@ 4:53 p.m.
i found myself reading a book yesterday that had basically implied through a character that first loves fades. that basically no matter how much you may have loved or think you still love this person, that it would never be the same. and i found myself agreeing. i mean, i guess i already know all of this to begin with, and if i wasn't so stupid i'd realize it to begin with. in any case, i think i should be done with moping around about jeff and first loves, they were what they were. and i think i should start shutting up about it. if i had to think about it truthfully, it means nothing to me anymore. he was just a first love, and he means as much to me as it means to anyone else's first love. (which i suppose this is a bit of a contradiction depending on how much this person love their first love...) but i know what i feel for him is not real. it's just childish dreams about how a part of me wish things turned out, but i'm grown now and i'm not a child anymore, so it's rahter pointless.
on another note, i find myself watching american idol, because i want to see ellen (i love ellen!), but her episodes haven't aired yet. but i find myself hating american idol so much. there's not enough singing. they feature like 4 or 5 people every episode with this long tragic story, and you know they wouldn't show you that story unless they make it through cause otherwise that's just so mean. i'm sure there's other people who have gotten cancer and they almost wouldn't have lived and they also DID NOT make american idol, but of course they don't show that stuff. i wish they showed some more bad (OR) good singing. all i see are these dumb stories taking up too much time and i don't really care about their tragic past. it's about if they can sing or not, why are you making it about something more. even simon has gotten soft. no wonder he's leaving. and you know once he leaves, american idol will not last. i don't know how many more episodes i can watch if ellen isn't on soon.
i dont know if i've ever mentioned this before on here, but i love sarah michelle gellar. and i think i like her so much because she acts like such a normal person and she is humble. she married fucking freddie and she didn't divorce like all the other stars out there. and she's not britney spears who loves to spit out babies when she's barely married. i love everything about sarah. she is geninue. i will be really really sad if i found out she divorced. furthermore, she finally had a baby last september apparantly. i am so happy for her! she's like the only actress that i know that treats her acting career as a job, rather than have everyone and everything revolve around her and her acting. not that it's my position to be, but i'm so proud of sarah.
oh and in other depressing news, apparantly rachel mcadams and ryan gosling broke up in 2008. i thought they were really good together. i'm sad that things have to change. but i mean.. what else is new? nothing lasts forever.