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@ 12:56 p.m.
at work as usual, and bored again. i don't mind the bored days at all, but there seems to be nothing to do as of this moment. i'm supposed to be helping c with his college applications to USC. i'm actually really worried about him. i want him to become more than what i am. i'm not saying i'm awful but i'm just so mediocre. i fucked up in college, and my degree means nothing, and i work full time... doing nothing. sure, i enjoy my job but, i'd really like to believe that there's more than just this waiting out there fore me. i mean, the manager here is probably going to be working here for along time, i mean he already has worked here for a long time. friggin 5 years. he has 2 kids and is married, i don't think he's going to be changing careers any time soon. and then there's yoy of course, the assisstant manager. she's been here for 3 years, and i don't see her leaving either. i mean, she makes quite a bit of money for one thing (well the manager and yoy both do), and she's only been here 3 years. the fact is though that she's pretty much the personal secretary to our boss. whatever he needs, whenever he needs it, she does her best to provide. and she usually does a pretty good job, and i don't think that yoy will leave this job, because i couldn't really imagine her having the choice to change careers. but anyway, i got off on a tangent. this job just seems so mediocre, and i want more out of life than just this job. i totally feel like this is temporary, so i get worried about what i'll do in the future. and i don't want c to just drop out of school like that. i get that he's restless at college, and i mean lets face it, colleges really suck, but i think if he went to USC, A REAL FUCKING SCHOOl, he'd probably enjoy it more, but he's already getting way too sick of school in general to care that far. and i get worried about what if he doesn't make it into USC? then what? and what if he does make it into USC, then what? who's going to pay for all that tuition? it's like 20k a semister. my school tuition was about 20k a year! i'm worried he'll drop out maybe and.. i don't know, i'm just so uncertain about the future. i really want this gaming company now to take off. so maybe i should do a lot more to help, but i really don't know how. i just want him to find a good job. i want more him, because he still has hopes and motivation. i'm just already a little sick of it all, and if god forbid i work at this job the rest of my life, then so be it, but there's no way that i'd accept c as a drop out, working in some job similar to mine. he is capable of so much more. i'm really scared that we'll both end up like how i am now.
bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeh.
also, dieting really really sucks. it starts off easy enough, but after awhile, it's hard to keep going at what yuo've been doing. sure you can hold out on not eating doritos the first week when ur boyfriend is there munching on it. and sure you can resist chomping down all the food at a restaurant for the next week.. but sooner or later, that temptation to eat something delicious is so overwhelming, but then you decided you shouldn't, because you've lost a lot of weight already in the first few weeks, and that it's WORKING, but then of course right during the time when you're trying hard not to eat anything you'll regret, you find out that you haven't lost any weight that week, and not only that you think you might have gained half a pound. that's when it gets to you. i'm just trying to be strong in general about it. yesterday my dad made yakisoba (japanese style cooked noodles). basically my eating schedule has been: breakfast: my biggest meal of the day (as far as big goes anyway..) 12pm: light mini brunch (will eat an apple, carrots, small piece of bread...), 2 or 3pm (when i get hungry): eat lunch (usually consists of salad or something like that i guess). get home at 5pm: snack before going to the gym. i usually eat just a small bit. i basically eat bites of food. since the 2/3pm meal doesn't fill me up, i end up still feeling hungry, so i try to eat a little bit before going to the gym so i don't feel like fainting, and also it's kind of my dinner. when i get home from gym, i'll have a few more bites of food so i can last through the night without feeling hungry. anyway, so when i got home last night my dad had made yakisoba, and i only had a few bites, and i was excited at the prospect, coming back from the gym, that i'd still get to have a few more bites of yakisoba... but that didn't happen. instead all i had dinner for last night was tofu and miso soup. i think that was the lightest dinner i've ever had so far. it's so disappointing that i couldn't even have the rest of my yakisoba which consisted of like maybe 4 or 5 bites. so yes, dieting is so disheartening, and i'm pretty sure i have to do this for a year to reach my target weight. a year of salad, fruit, and tofu.... and worst of all NO FRENCH FRIES. i think that is by far the hardest thing i've given up. how does anyone even do that?!
on a positive note, i've lost another half a pound to a pound. i think i may have said before that i was 170, but i really wasn't. i have a tendency to estimate that i'm close enough to there so i am there, because then it makes me feel like i've lost more weight, but now i realize it just makes the weighting process really... unclear. so currently i am correctly at 170. i can't believe it... a month's work and only 7 lbs. i had no idea that it really would be this hard. so i guess i should start skipping dinner.
oh yea, i was thinking about going to anime expo this year. i haven't gone the past 2 years, so i'm hoping i'll lose enough weight to look good by anime expo (which is the 4th of july weekend).
on a totally different note, i've been addicted as hell to law and order. i can't seem to fall asleep very well at night, so i end up watching that til i fall asleep. i'm now working on the 2nd season of the SVU series. some of the topics are kind of silly, because this tv show originally aired in 1999. the episode called chat room in the first season, is specifically what i meant. oh well. anyway i hope i sleep better tonight. i feel restless lately.
OH! one thing i do feel happy about that the losing weight process has had on me is that i think i'm in better shape. i want to go DDR soon so i can test out just how much i have really improved stamina-wise.. and to see if i really am in way better shape