second choice
@ 7:00 p.m.
so i was bored at work today, and maybe that was the problem because i started reading up entries from an old diary at blogspot. i probably haven't been there in years, and i haven't updated in years thats for sure. but i ended up reading some of the things i wrote there my last year of school, specifically some things i wrote about eric... and then some things about matt, the guy i had a huge crush on during my first year of college. i think i've always believed that if i had more self confidence then... and if things weren't the way they were... if i had asked him out, and he had said yes, my whole future would've changed... instead i never asked him out, and instead he went out with this other girl named jess, that i couldn't really stand, and i probably still can't stand her, and i still kind of look at her as the woman who took my chance away. it turns out, 4 years later that they are still together. i dunno if i'd been more surprised if they had broken up. but i don't know why but i'm so upset that they are still together. it's not to say that i want to leave c for matt, but i guess since i didn't like her, i'd hope they'd broken up by now. i guess i'm selfish because i can't, and i don't really want to think about matt's happiness. i just wish
on another note, jeff used to comment on that blog and it stirred up old feelings and memories of him again. i remember about a couple of months ago, i actually wanted to make a post about him... which would've sounded completely different from what i am about to write now... what i would've written about a couple of months ago was that... i hate jeff! i fucking hate him because he left me. he changed, and he acts completely as if he doesn't care about me at all. he's so self absorbed that he can't even fucking email me anymore, and worst of all he's OVER ME! he treats me as if i'm absolutely nothing to him anymore. what happened to the jeff that i had been in love with? and i'm so stupid because for all these years, all i could think about was how much i couldn't stand thinking about him, and the pain, and all the terribleness.. and all those other bad things, including the break up... all i could remember were little things that pissed me off about him, like how he said he had a crush on jean, and yet it's all so trivial now when i think about it. all i can remember now is that i was in love with him, and whatever happened to all that? he was the only one that i had ever loved so fucking much, and now i mean absolutely nothing to him. and it's not his fault, i get that. but i fucking hate him for getting over me, because i'll never be completely over him.. and with that 2 thoughts occur:
1. this is the rant of a fucking selfish bitch. what, am i supposed to believe that he'd always want to be with me, especially based on how i treated him the few years after we broke up? i'm absolutely ridiculous for not allowing him to change.
2. i can't remember my second thought. (i'm retarded)
but i want to point out that i don't think i'm truly in love with him at the moment, just that there's a part of me that have never been able to fully let him go, and i don't think that this will ever change, meanwhile i can't help but be so retarded and ridicously pissed that he could just drop me as if i was never picked up, as if i was never cherished. he says he'll still care about me in that way, but i doubt it. i wonder if he even thinks about me anymore. i mean nothing to him, and it makes me hate him so much. but i'll leave him alone and not bother ranting all this to him because the only rational part of me realizes that he deserves to be left alone from me. the bitch that stole every good intention of him.
but today, when i read some of those entries, and... everything else, i just realize what an idiot i was. a stupid 13 year old, that's all that i was. and honestly, it was the only time in my life that i had been the happiest probably. i don't really know what happiness is anymore. all i ever know is contentment, and that's probably i'll ever get from life. i never knew that i was that type of person to settle with whatever they had... or maybe i did.
i'm very much reminded of the movie, the notebook. the only difference is, i wimped out and chose the other guy (i can't even remember his name) instead of noah. but i suppose that it's different in the sense that i don't even know if jeff and i are really compatible. it's been over 10 years since i've first known him. i think mostly i've dreaming of the past again.
i really, really, really miss being 13. and here i am about to turn 23. i wonder if i'll be thinking all of this when i'm 30. i had said to jeff in my last letter, and i hope it to be true: in my next life time, i hope i end up with him.