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@ 3:40 p.m.
Hmm... there's really not much to say.
well, merry christmas and happy new year. i can't believe i didn't write once during that time. my christmas was pretty boring actually. it's kinda sad/weird, but though i spent it at c's, i really didn't even do anything with him. i'm pretty sure i was playing ro, and he might've either been watching house, or maybe working on some programming. is that terrible? that we don't even do much together. i guess i feel content with our relationship, but i think that's all it'll ever be between us sometimes. is that horrible? shouldn't i feel in love? i don't really. i'm wondering if i can feel such an emotion again, because i've been so apathetic about life ... probably my entire life. i think i'm still hating myself over the fact that i feel like life is overrated. i don't think it makes any sense for people my age to be thinking life is overrate. yet that is usually how i feel. it just feels so boring. i wonder if maybe i need therapy, but like that really helps (i'm a real optimist)
anyway, i think i got way sidetracked. my point is that i don't even do anything together really, and i feel like that's sad. but when i think about it, i realize that i spend too much time on ro, and that's why i don't "have time" to do anything else, but if i quit that nasty habit, i could get amove on with my life and do something, but i thinkt he problem is that i don't know that to do, so i end up just playing ro. i bet that's not how most of the people on that game is. or maybe they are, i really wouldn't know.
i talked to rick the other day, because i had accidentally left myself signed onto facebook (ew; don't even ask why i got on), but i guess it was a good thing i did, because for once we actually had a conversation. he usually doesn't have enough attention span to talk to me for probably more than 10 minutes before either leaving the computer without saying anything or just plain forgetting i was there. i really don't know which, i hope for the former and save myself some ego, but anyway, yesterday i ended up talking to him for probably an hour and half, which is pretty much amazing... anyhow, basically, rick lost tons of weight a couple years ago, and i asked him how he did it. he did it for lent. he gave up soda and fast food, and dinner. he ate mild breakfasts and ate 6" cold cut sandwich at subway's for lunch. he didn't even exercise and he lost 25lbs (25lbs in 40 days!). and after that he decided it worked so well that he went for more, and by the end of about 10 months, he ended up losing 45 lbs. i'll be fricking happy if i can lose my targeted goal. actually when i started i was at about 177 lbs, if i have to be really honest with myself. i keep telling myself that i'm around 175, and that i actually weight 175, but it's actually not true. i just wanted to be there and since i was practially there, i just said i was. i'm currently at 173, so actually if i have to be honest, i've lose quite a bit since i started (a little over a week ago). but i feel like it's not much cause i tell myself i started at 175, and i've only lost 2 lbs. rick says i should stop looking at my weight everyday. btw, i forgot to mention but i started on a diet. i've never really seriously dieted before so this is actually something new to me. i've already given up soda, and i haven't eaten fast food since pretty much when i started at the gym. so i guess all in all, when i really consider all the facts, i've done a pretty good job. i can't wait for when i go below 170lbs. i think the last time i was 16xlbs was like my 2nd or 3 year in college. i'm excited for myself to lose to 169 already, but it's really slow that it also feels discouraging. but rick said i'm doing really well. he didn't even go to the gym when he was on his diet. but then again, i'm not skipping dinners.
for new year, i didn't even stay up this year. i feel asleep around 11 or 11:30. i really felt like new years is totally insignificant this year. all i could think of was that it was just another day. and people make too big of a deal out of it. a new year is just a concept that we, our ancestors decided that it accounted for something. we're celebrating something based on the fact that we just decided to celebrate it. how silly does that sound. whos to know if our time might even slightly be off, and we're actually celebrating new years slightly eralier or later than correct? and what is correct anyway? it's whatever we decided. how does that possibly make it out to mean anything? anyway, my point is that we could've easily decided new years is on august 18 and then it would've been a big deal. might as well make every day seem special rather than one particular day. but yea i get it, it's a new year. whatever. it really doesn't mean shit to me. and i think that's really sad, but yet i can't bring myself to think of anything more to say or comment further on that thought.
ok, enough ramblings of that. i read an entry i wrote last year around this time saying that i wouldn't be scared of using the bathroom. that hasn't really happened, but i have to say that i've gotten a lot better about it. i still get spooked out, and all that, but for the most part it doesn't stop me from going to the bathroom if i need to go, but i just feel a little on edge. but i guess i've kind of gotten used to it, and of course thinking about the fact that i've been through going to a public bathroom without any incident helps too. as for watching scary movies... i don't think i did any of that. maybe it was because there weren't really that many scary movies out, or we just didn't watch that much movies together i don't know, but i haven't quite worked on this one. i'm pretty sure that movie 30 days of night or w/e (the one with the vampires in alaska) was a movie i watched this year, but i totally didn't follow through and closed my eyes during some of the scenes. i always feel so disappointed in myself, yet i can't bring about any change (story of my life). anyway, i want to watch that daybreakers movie, and hopefully i won't turn away this time, but knowing what a big chicken i am, i really wonder...
i really think i should work on that story i've been wanting to write from almost since 6 months ago, but i just can't seem to make any more progress. i've only got about the first chapter or maybe the first half of the first chapter written. i think it's about 10 pages on word. i wish i would stop being the way i am and started writing. i keep worrying and thinking like what if it's not good enough, and i bet there's tons of grammar mistakes, not to mention tons of tenses shifting around incorrectly (i tend to do that ALOT). but i can't even come up with stupid easy things like, where should this main character live? should he live in an apartment or a house? does he live with someone? and part of the problem is i want it to take place in new york, but i've never been there, and i thought about maybe new jersey instead and base it after where a friend i know online lives, but i hardly talk to him lately. i just don't know what to do with myself. i wish someone would tell me to grow up and that i would listen to that person.
the past couple days, i've really been missing playing piano. i'm wondering if maybe i should start playing again, and not just this once a year bullshit that i mainly pull, but what if i were to practice everyday? i mean, right now i have access to it at home, but what if in a few years, when i move in with c (ha.. i have to wonder when this will happen) that i won't even have a chance. and sometimes i think about playing violin again too. but my violin was sucky, and i really don't want to think about using my old ones. but i never even got that far in violin anyway. i was close and getting there... but nope. i was thinking about joining an orchestra. wouldn't that be crazy? but i realize now that i really liked orchestra, just that the main problem was that i hated the practices it at that time.. you know when i think about it now, i really don't remember the terrible practices that i was moaning at and how i didn't really want to go and such, i mainly remember performing and that it was REALLY fun... but i bet if i started the orchestra idea, i would end up hating it. cause i hate practice, and the thought that i would have to drive there (probably a few times a week) wouldn't make me happy... and i don't think i could imagine myself practicing at home everday... soooooo... yeah. but i think i like the idea of an orchestra because i would get to meet people... but then i can't help but think that i bet most of those people are losers x.x i guess that's teh problem with me, and this is why i go nowhere. i don't let myself be helped, and i quit before i even take a step, as if thinking about it was already way more than i could handle. if we really compared it, i'd probably be the bigger loser out of those people in orchestra.