weekends are a myth!
@ 11:56 a.m.
haven't written in awhile. i think i would've written sooner had it not been for stupid ro and their stupid event. i'm trying to make the most of it but since i have that new job and still school (and driving back and forth), it means that pretty much i've devoted every spare minute i have to ro, and have not left room to do anything else i want or should be doing. for example, diaryland. and other things such as c wanting me to do this website for him. me, wanting some time for myself to write my goddamn book (i still haven't made any progess since my last entry). and also, i don't think i mentioned this but awhile back i signed up for a program to search for a government job, and even though i have a job currently, my mom still wants me to follow up on that since it's something i started. also, i would still like to sign up for the goddamn gym, but really at this point, what is the point? my schdule is so insanely busy that i wouldn't even have time to go to the gym. isn't that so gay? when i have time, i have no money to go to the gym. but once i start earning money, i have no time to go to the gym. oh yea, besides this job and school, i'm still going to my old job once a week (about 4-5 hours) and i have this new hair modeling job too. they want me to go very spardiocally, like for a few hours at time, maybe once a week too. so yea... too much on my plate right now, i wonder if things will spill over soon. oh yea, and did i mention, i signed up for translating manga from chinese to english. i decided to do this cause my chinese is crap, and the extra practice will do me good, but seriously, i have NO TIME. lately i've been giving up all my free time to ro, because of this stupid event. i'm so happy it will be over soon though so i can get off the damn thing and do some of the other things that i want to do, and some of the other things that i don't want to do but need to do. i can't wait til my schedule calms the fuck down so i can go to the gym. and actually i'm really in the mood to read a book.. but yea no time. god ro is taking up too much of my time. you know, i haven't even had a good night's sleep in over a week.
in other news, i've been doing great ever since the jeff thing is over. i don't think i can stress enough how glad i am that it's over. i dunno why i didn't contact him sooner. in retrospect, i realize now that if i had taken at all the hinted signs, i would've realized a long time ago that things between us were "over". like the fact that before, when we were in high school and he still wanted to be with me, we wrote emails and kept in contact, and he said things to me and made certain moves that hinted he wanted to be with me still, but since college, which i believe was around the time when he went to japan, he hasn't been like that at all. we've hardly spoken any words to each other. and i guess if i had paid attention to that i would've known that it was really over between us after all. i think i'm just, or i was, in love with the guy that was in love with me. i'm not in love with this person that has gotten over me. ah, i guess it sounds selfish after all.
me and c have been doing a lot better. now that i'm completely over this jeff thing, i don't feel distressed over him. i'm not worried about us and i'm not worried about breaking up. actually i feel like we had make up sex last friday. i mean, it obviously wasn't that to him, but that's what it felt like to me. i guess a part of me was totally not with c at all the past month or so, but now that this crap is over, i guess it's just that i can focus my attention on him. i feel more hopeful about us too. it was almost as if wanting to be with jeff was keeping in the way of my future with c. well, i guess it was that exactly, but it's just that before i wasn't so sure about c, but now that i feel sure, it was almost as if jeff was an obstacle i had to overcome. but before, i didn't see it this way at all. i was thinking it was more of a decision between the two of them.
last night i had a dream about bryan. it was really weird. i haven't talked to bryan in almost half a year now. this is mainly because c did something that bryan didn't like and now he's being a little faggot about it and decided not to talk to c anymore. but i have to give him some props, even i wouldn't be able to avoid talking to someone i've known for so long, and who was a friend no doubt. i wonder if c did something really terrible or if bryan's just a really hard ass. in any case, since i'm associated with c and being c's girlfriend, i naturally get put on the avoid list from bryan. well, last night i had a dream about bryan. it was kinda weird. i wonder if it means i miss him? but a long time ago, back to when i first met c and bryan at the same time at anime expo, i had a crush on bryan. i forget if i liked c or bryan more, but i liked them in different ways i suppose. but in any case, nothing ever happened between bryan and i, well, because i ended up with c. but last night i had a dream that i was hanging out with bryan. and then he we giving me all kinds of signs that he liked me and wanted to be with me. and i think in a way, our body language implied that we were already messing around behind c's back. but anyway, towards the end of the dream, me and bryan were kissing. i forget who started it, but i remember during the kiss, that i was actually enjoying it, that i liked him, and that i was turned on. it felt like more than a kiss, it was suggestive and it was a leading towards other things sort of kiss. and i realized that at that moment during the kiss, that i was actually starting to fall for bryan. that our supposed fling, wasn't really a fling anymore, and that if it keeps going, it could lead to something more. i can still remember a little of how i felt in the dream, as if all of it was real, like it really happened. in fact, i feel a little giddy thinking about it. and i feel kind of happy. i don't really think that i like him like that still, at least it's not really anything strong, but i feel like this is a good feeling, just because i haven't felt this way in a long time. since i'm with c, i haven't really had any major crushes on anybody in a really long time, and that's a really weird feeling! maybe it's like living in a fantasy world sort of thing? i really do miss bryan though. he had good taste in movies and such, and i suppose i would enjoy hanging around him. but i don't see how i could possibly make him talk to me though, he seems so dead set on not talking to c anymore.
i guess that's all for now. it's a little crazy that i don't even have time to write this really. i have to squeeze it in during work time. it took me all morning til now to finally finish it. but i guess i'm glad that at least i can do it. i know back at the other place, the one that i worked for 2 weeks and it didn't work out, they would've never allowed for me to type any of this out, because SOMEONE was always constantly looking over my shoulder. be it shachou or donna. i still really love the new job. but god i'm so busy. like really, what's a weekend?