it's OVER: O-V-E-R. AS IN FOREVER THIS TIME
@ 10:47 p.m.
man, i was really depressed when i wrote that last night. i went through some of my old diaries that i had, mainly the ones i was writing when i was with jeff, and i just started bawwing, crying hard. and i don't even really know why, maybe it was just that i was miserable because i fucked up. i feel like i fucked up my life beyond repair. maybe it was because i knew no matter what jeff said, it wouldn't really mean anything. if he did still love me, that would've been sweet, but would it have changed anything? and actually, when i think about it, if he did still love me, then nothing would've changed.
i wrote him this terrible letter. in that moment where i felt like killing myself, i wrote to him wondering why he couldn't even spare the time to write the email. what could i possibly mean to him now since he can't even spare time to email me? he's really busy i get that, but don't i at least deserve that hour? maybe i REALLY don't. maybe i just think i do, but maybe i just dont.
anyway, he finally did respond today. and it seemed like he had it written out but just seemed to forgot to email it to me. and he stated that he knew he was forgetting something and it was lucky that i reminded him by emailing him. wow. just wow. how do you respond to that? and the rest of the letter. all of it was so disappointing. or maybe it was refreshing? but it nevertheless make me wanna cry. it's over. it's really completely over. isn't it odd that for the longest time he couldn't get over me, and even though for the longest time i didn't want him, i would want him now? isn't that how life is? just completely miserable.
it sounds like he's been over me for some time. he said that he was with someone for 2 years while in japan, and they broke up because he had to move back to england. and also that currently he's in a relationship. the highlight of this relationship (to me i guess) is that he doesn't think it's serious (not headed towards marriage), and that it's comfortable. god, that's what they all say before they fall in love and get married right? who knows. but what does it really matter... the tone of his letter was so different. to anyone else it would be indifferent, and could possibly be taken in as friendly, but to me, the whole letter was so ominous. there was no promise of ANYTHING. i asked him so many things in the letter, and yet he couldn't answer all of it. i'm sure part of it was because he forgot or that he didn't feel important to mention, but i know SOME parts were because he couldn't answer them. not without hurting me anyway. i know the truth now it doesn't matter.
i feel like this illusion that i've held onto has finally shattered. before, he was the guy that was always there, now he's not anymore. from his letter, i almost feel like he's a completely different person. maybe it's because he's changed? i know i've changed. maybe a part of me didn't grow up though, the part that still believed in us. but now that i know it's over, it's so weird. i feel like what happened between jeff and i happened a lifetime ago, or maybe it was all just a dream.
he says he's still glad to have known me, dated me, been with me, everything. but all that seems so long ago, i can't quite remember it. i think what i'm left with is a feeling that something amazing and wonderful happened. and i'm filled with memories of who he used to be, and at best i was privileged to know what he was like when i dated him. i was privileged to know the most wonderful, beautiful person in the whole world (whether this view stands today could be argued, but this is the view of me then). he was the kindest person that i knew. he was my beloved. he was devoted me in a way no one else could be, and with him i was loved in a way no one else could. i knew him then. i knew who he was. i knew what music he liked (not this new shit that he's into), and i knew his dreams. it was as if two souls truly connected. and i know that at least once in my life i was loved, and i loved back and i was deeply head over heels in love, and it's enough, that kind of love is enough to make me grateful enough for my pathetic life. and i choose: to instead of thinking about that cold message that he sent me today... he is a stranger to me, i don't know who he is at all... rather i will remember him for who he was when we dated. i REALLY REALLY miss him, but since forever now this has never changed, and i've just received confirmation from another version of him that indeed everything i've dreamed about, the man that i fell in love with doesn't exist anymore. so what can i do but to remember him for how i remember him. and even though i miss him, it was for the best. it was what it was. if it had continued, things would've changed anyway. maybe they would've changed differently, but i can't imagine that they wouldn't have changed. at least in breaking off like this, there's a clear cut distinction for me, when things changed. i don't have to wonder what anyone did wrong, because nothing really was done wrong.
i know for sure that the jeff i want is gone in the proof of everything he said in his letter (maybe it was what i needed to hear after all..?) the jeff i loved wouldn't have eventually found someone else to love. not like the way he did. if i were to ever date him again (and he did mention that this could be a possibility in the far off future) it would be starting over fresh, and i agree that it really would be. i don't know him AT ALL! who is this stranger?! in any case, my jeff would've never fallen in love with someone else like that... i get that what i'm saying is insane, because what, is he supposed to be waiting to try to get back with me for 7 or 8 years? and i think that yeah that doesn't make sense. but the thing is, maybe what i mean is that we've both moved on to other people, so the people that we were when we were in love is gone. maybe that's what i mean. but then again, i have never loved anyone the way i loved him. and i honestly am not sure if i am in any way unique to him anymore. i feel that he has probably loved better, loved harder, loved more, loved a millions times more deeply than he did with me. but i know in my heart, i've only been logically, emotionally, passionately, so deeply with my whole complete heart been in love once and that was with him.
what does it matter now anyway? i'm completely crazy. i understand more than ever, so perfectly...that all this timei've just been in love with the past. and this shouldn't really surprise me considering how i've always been like this. it was stupid of me to try to reach out to "jeff" when the one i love has been gone for a long time. and honestly, i'm stupid because what would it have changed? if jeff had said yes would i have broken up with c?
i was so sad today, but now i feel so much better. i don't think anyone truly in love with someone would've been able to recover like this. i think for the longest time i was just so happy to believe that there was someone waiting for me, but now i know thats not the truth. it doesn't really matter anyway, the person i want isn't there. i might as well be searching for someone who's dead.
i can't do anything about this anymore. it's over. it's finally fucking over. there is no indecision2009 or indecisionmywholeentirelife. there never was a decision to begin with.
i'm so extremely depressed and terribly sad because i'm missing and craving for a time that's completely gone. it makes me sad in the way that charmed is gone, and nancy and i aren't friends anymore, but that times a million. but what's the use of that? nothing good ever lasts forever huh?
you know how some people in prison say, that they just want to be left alone to just do their time for their crime and then so they can leave? that's kinda how i feel about life. i just want to get through the motions of it and just have it be done with. too bad my sentence is my entire lifetime. but who knows maybe things will get better. maybe i'll get parole.
on a totally completely different note, while diggin through my old stuff, i came across a picture of eric. man, i haven't thought about him in awhile. the thing was though, i saw that picture and i FELT NOTHING. isn't that crazy how things end up like that? i've been thinking about talking to him now though. since i'm over him, and i would really like the idea of being friends with him, why not? maybe. i'll have to think more about it.