indecision2009... still
@ 8:26 a.m.
You know how there's a loop when people are starting out their business or some kind of plans about earning money? For example, the fact that you need money to start a business to earn money, or what about the idea that you need experience to have a job, and you need a job to have experience. There's also been the fact before that I would like some new clothes for the new place I work at to dress appropriately, but I don't have enough money to buy it. Stuff like that sucks. That's how I feel about bettering myself.
Like lately, i feel like i should be talking to my old friends, like charita or jed, or maybe even jason (i was really considering talking to him yesterday), but then i decided against it, because then i would or might possibly have to meet them, and then i don't want them to seem in my current state, at least until i'm better. so i hold off on talking to people because i need to better myself, yet i don't spend any time actually being able to do it. like i don't have any money to go to a fucking gym, so i have to put that on hold (i know i should just start like jogging on my own but i have no motivation). another reason i kind of don't want to talk to them is because i don't have a job. also, they're probably gonna ask me what my major was and i don't want to tell them, because it's nothing to brag about. god, i wish i hadn't messed up THIS badly. i don't know how it all came down like this.
i went home on monday after this job interview thing. i don't really feel like talking about what happened, so meh. but as to being at home, i decided to take this opportunity to dig through the old letters jeff had written me. the last one was written in about january 2004, which is over 5 years ago... in it, he told me that he still believed in us... one thing that he said that really got to me was that i could be his if i were to only say it. and i dunno why i didn't say it then? i looked at some of my older entries to see what i was thinking then, and it turns out i was completely hung up on chris at the time. but that really doesn't explain why i didn't even think or consider jeff. i wonder if something happened right after then that made me ignore him like that.
i only reference jeff with a longing once that year, and it was in july where i mentioned that i still believed in being together and that "i promise [he'd enjoy fireworks]". but how can i enjoy fireworks with him if i'm no with him. i'm pretty sure that i'm being totally unfair to c at the moment. i dunno why i can't leave him. i think that i'm just scared i'll end up alone. i'm like the girl i remember seeing in this movie that i want them both. if i had to be perfectly honest, and this is the sad truth, is that i really want to give it another shot, a real honest shot with jeff, but i'm scared that if it doesn't work out, i don't even have this thing with c. i guess the truth of the matter is that i'm scared to be alone. i don't feel that there is anyone else out there for me. everyone says there is more fish out there in the sea, but i don't really know how to meet those fish. i don't know if they would like me or if i would like them. i don't know if i'm compatible. i don't know if there's time to figure that out.
and then another part of me is thinking that maybe i should jsut forget about jeff, and live the life that i have now. c isn't a terrible person, and i mean sure he could be better in other ways, but who isn't? am i just being nitpicky about c? i think my current situation is that i could be OKAY with my life if i ended up with c. i do love him, and i care about him, but i'm so glad to have him because he's someone that loves me. and honestly, for the most part, c is willing to work things out with him, he loves me so much that he is willing to do things for me and that's not something that anyone could do, even if they love me as much as c does. but i can't help but keep wondering what will become of me and jeff? aren't we meant to be? what happened to all those things we said years ago? were they merely lies in the heat of passion? and what would it mean even if i did confess to him all these feelings? are we even in a good position to meet right now? i know i'm being so unfair to c, but i dunno what the fuck to do. i'm also a little scared he might kill himself if i broke up with him. but i mostly think that this is an excuse i use to not break up with him. i feel so guilty for doing this, but i think for now i should stay with him. i'm going to write a letter to jeff and just be honest about everything and see what he has to say. at least if he tells me a straight out no, i would know that it's just me, and i could learn to forget about this. but if he says otherwise, i don't know what i'm going to do.
i should also bring up that on friday we almost did break up. and yesterday too. he thinks that i spend too much time on ro, and not really do anything with my time. it's true. i agree with him. i do spend alot of time on ro, and i don't really do anything. more specifically, what bothers him is that i don't do anything with him. he complains that all i do is ro, or then go to work.. basically when i'm with him, i'm not really with him. i'm actually doing other things. so he gets mad that i'm not actually really with him, i just want to be left alone. he wants me to quit ro completely. is that asking a lot? i'm not sure if it is. i get where he's coming from though. i didn't play much ro on saturday because of the fight, but after that i've mostly been playing ro again. i ask him if he wants to do things though. and he's just kinda like meh. so he got mad at me yesterday for no doing anything but ro again. i dunno if i want to use this an excuse to break up. honestly it all goes back to before. i better just hurry up and write jeff... but then i wonder if that would even make a difference in the situation i'm in now.
well, i better go. c's up and around... i'll try to write more about this next time.