further down the spiral
@ 10:44 a.m.
A lotta things have been going through my mind lately. Last night I had a dream that I willingly kissed some other random stranger while knowing that I was with c, but I didn't care because I thought to myself that I didn't want to be with him in the future anyway. I'm pretty sure this is a very sad summation of how I feel about being with c. Remember kevin? I mentioned him back in February but then after that I stopped. It doesn't change what kind of a person kevin is.. because he's one of those types still (i'm not sure how to describe those types either). When I think about it logically, he probably isn't right for me, but I guess still that I think about wanting to be with him because in some ways he's so much better than c.
kevin doesn't have self esteem issues. he has a job, and he's a lot more outgoing. this doesn't seem like a lot, but sometimes i feel like because of c's self esteem issues, our conversations are impossible. after being with him for so long, i don't even know how to describe it. for one thing i've never had the perfect memory of our conversations like he does, and then to add to that i feel like this stuff happens everyday that it's not out of the ordinary, so what is there to describe? you know, when things happen i try to keep it in my head to save for writing in here, but then later on i get too lazy to write in here, and by the time i do write, i forget everything.
in any case, kevin is the type of guy that will flirt with me online, offer me impossible things, and then on a whim forgets about everything that was said. however, he wants to go to japan next year, and i have always wanted to go. traveling. anywhere. i remember when i broke up with exboyfriend4, one of the reasons was because c promised that we'd do lots of traveling. it's been 3 years now and we haven't gone anywhere, nor made plans to go anywhere, nor is there honestly a possibility that we could go anytime soon because we both don't have any money. i at least kind of work to get money, c at best asks his parents for money. i am not exactly saying that i am better than him in this respect, because i didn't really earn these jobs. my mom has helped me get so many of these jobs, and honestly if it wasn't for her pestering, i wouldn't have had half of the jobs that i've worked at. and even now, my mom is still helping me. i know if it wasn't for her, i'd be like c. so i can't really say that i'm better than him in this respect... but honestly, c is male. he should be the one supporting me anyway, but half the time i feel like i'm supporting him. sometimes, it gets to a point where when he asks me why i'm with him, i have to answer that i really don't know (in my head anyway). it makes me wonder what i am doing with him.. what is the point in being with him? i don't exactly feel that he makes me happy. half the time we talk, i feel like we'll end in argument. we don't really have anything in common. like the stuff he talks about, i sometimes just really don't care and wish he wouldn't tell me about at all, but i can't exactly say that to him because that would hurt his feelings. (and that annoys me too, that i'm stuck listening to him and not only that but, if he were to suspect that i weren't/didn't want to listen to him, he'd get all sad, and then to cheer him up, i would have to say no i'm listening and force him to continue... when i really don't want to listen).
honestly, i've been thinking lately that maybe i should give it another year, and if it doesn't work out then maybe i should leave him. i think a lot that i'm with him because this is what i'm used to, this is what i'm familiar with. honestly, i don't know how i feel. i just want more out of my life, but i feel like i'm stuck in a rut. who knows if it is even completely c's fault. it's hard to say that i wouldn't be in a rut if i was by myself. honestly, most days i just want to be left alone so i could spend all my time on the computer to do whatever the fuck i want.
all i know is that being by yourself honestly sucks though, and i wish i had more friends to go out with and do stuff. maybe that's why i'm hanging onto c? at least he's someone, but the thing is we're both so depressed with our life. i don't really know how to make c happy to be honest. or maybe i do and i don't want to do it. i'm not sure. even though he's with me he still contemplates suicide. honestly, i don't know what he wants from me..
i just wish i could better myself in some way. i want more out of life than this. honestly, when i was a child, was this the kind of life that i had envisioned? but what could i do to possibly change that? i wish i could see the future, then i would know what choices to make.