time to change
@ 7:33 a.m.
i'm sorry about the previous entry. i got distracted by ro, and then the next thing i knew c was up.. and yea.
c's upset that i don't DREAM. i don't have a dream job, and i don't really try to have one. he wants me to go to school and learn. he doesn't really understand that i'm sick of school, and that really, i don't NEED to go to school. he wants me to learn more about web stuff so i could have a web design job. but honestly, i just want any old job. i don't care that much about doing what i love because there's not much that i really care for. as long as i can get used to the job, then i don't really care what i do. i don't know why i have to LOVE-LOVE-LOVE my job, as long as i can stand it. but c says he wants better for me, and therefore wants me to take classes, web classes, so i can be great at web programming. so then i can do web designing as my job. i don't really care if web designing is my job or not. i just want a job. i've never been the type of person to dream about doing what i love. would it be nice? sure. but it's not necessary, and because i think this way i'm not willing to work for something i vaguely want.
i want to work for my real dreams. i want to travel. and if i had to dream about anything else i wish i could write a book that could get published. i dream about getting skinny... and sadly, i dream of jeff. i dunno how to say that more than it is.
now c is pressuring me to take classes, he's mad at me that i'm not doing something i love because i'm fine with it. i know he's trying his best for me, he's trying to make me better, but all it really does is make me annoyed. i just don't want to be bothered by this shit. i feel like he's like my mom almost. i wonder why can't he just leave me alone?
i wrote that letter to jeff. it's going to take 7 to 10 business days, meaning up to 2 weeks, before the letter arrives to him. i wonder what he will say to it. a part of me totally fears that he's COMPLETELY, TOTALLY over me and that he will be annoyed, or scuff at what i say, but i know my logic says that he would never do that. but that doesn't mean that he still loves me or wants to be with me.
i really think that i'm probably not happy with c. i feel like the last some years, i've just been stuck in limbo. i've been doing things without really any effort, thought or thinking. a part of me hates hanging out with people that i don't know, i hate awkward moments and such, but i also really hate the way things are now. i hate that i don't really have anyone to hang out with. i hate that i don't have anyone to talk to. and honestly, i'm sick of living with c, and sick of living at home. c was dead on when he said that i live here to escape from home. i mean, sure i could stand to deal with living at home. i mean it's not like living at c's is perfect. and lately c has been acting a little like my mom, telling me he wants me to do certain things. and i don't care for it. and he's telling me these certain things as if i need to do them to prove that i love him, that i want to be with him.
i get so confused nowadays, i feel like i love him, but then i feel like i want to leave him. my love for him is weird. sometimes i really do love him, and i think that it wont be so bad if i stay with him, just the way things have been. but then other times i feel like i want more. i want my dreams to come true, and i don't think that it could happen given the circumstances. how would i travel? and me wanting to buy my bmw, he couldn't help me with that. i feel as if my dreams have changed, and he refuses to believe in that. he just keeps wanting me to follow in what he thinks i want or used to want. i don't care about having a job that i love. is that so hard to understand? is that so weird for you to accept?
i think i've finally woken up: i want to change my life. i'm so sick of this and i HAVE TO CHANGE the way things are. and honestly, i'm not sure i can do it, or do it well with c there.
he is so unsure about things between us that when i am feeling sure, i can't be either. i guess i can't blame him for being so doubtful and wanting answers to his questions. like the other day, i was so surprised when he asked me if he thought that we were meant to be. i was just so caught off guard. and then i wasn't sure if i should lie or not. even if i do end up with him, is it right of me to lie to keep him happy? i want him to stop questioning these things, my feelings,... all of it, but he has every right to it. but the way things are now, it reminds me of the way my mom used to pester me with questions of college and things like that... and just like then, i just wanted to be left alone. i didn't want to deal with these questions.
i guess what it is was that this was a relationship of convenience and that's how i always treated and saw it, and i guess that that's clear and out in the open that even a magnifying glass is not necessary to be able to observe it. i think even c knows it, and that's why he's no longer convinced by my words anymore. because my actions are different. as much as it was a convenient sort of relationship, i still love him. i guess it was just that i didn't love him like another person... now that it's not convenient anymore, i realize i don't really want to do this. i've been thinking that if i were to break it off with him, i don't even know what i would say to him.
i know i need to change though. i think it's time i stop going with the flow, and walk against the current that's been pulling me into my abyss.