totally unfair ... to&for everyone and everything
@ 12:00 a.m.
here i am scrambling to write an entry before my bed time... which has actually already passed. i'm supposed to be up at 7 am tomorrow and i usually like to get 8 hours of sleep. i would have done this sooner, but i had to finish homework and a quiz for my online class.
tomorrow i have a quiz for japanese that i really won't get to study for at all because i'll be going to class right after work. i really wish that i knew more japanese, that i never forgot it all to begin with. there are so many mangas that i want to read, but some of the times they aren't translated completely, and it makes me upset.
i've been thinking about jeff all day and i don't know what to make of it. while at work, i realized that maybe jeff honestly, really doesn't like or care about me anymore. the last few times i wrote to him by email (all initiated by me), was eventually left unanswered by me. and the last time, he never replied to my 2nd letter. i wonder if he really is sick and tired of my shit. and when i think about it, i wonder if he's even remotely interested, or hopeful about getting back with me. i honestly feel like i'm the one panicking here. sometimes i'm not really into him, or i don't think about him, but when i do, i am at least completely honest, absorbed into it. i just don't understand how he could be so calm, and display so little emotion. but i suppose he has always been this way.
i remember when i was still in middle school, there were days that i would rush home in small hopes and glimpse that i would see him online, if even for a minute. but he never was. i understand that for him it would be 11pm, but still. i couldn't believe that he couldn't stay up later than one hour just to talk to me. and now that i think about it, i don't understand why i never asked him why he didn't stay up a bit longer. didn't he feel the same way i did? if i could, i would've left school an hour early to talk to him. he's still like that. it's like he doesn't really care. that confuses the fuck out of me... because everything he said has been contrary to that. i forget when, but maybe a couple years ago, he got a webcam, and he would sometimes be on msn. i don't get why, but he is never on anymore. i know that he goes online because i know he's on facebook, but i have never ever seen him on msn. what gives? did he get a new msn? and just decided not to tell me about it? why doesn't he want to talk to me? honestly, i know i haven't been perfect with the returning emails, but i would've chatted with him on msn, if he ever got on. maybe he wants to avoid me. maybe he just honestly doesn't care, honestly have gotten over me.
and a part of me really wants to speak this out now, ask him all of this, and you know, get it all out in the air, so i could finally get a fucking answer. i don't think i've been dancing around the subject, at least not purposely. maybe the problem is that i never had a motive when i spoke to him, so the letters are so sporadic and weird. is that what causes him to be this way? i don't get it. if i had it my way, i would love to speak to him everyday. but now, maybe because i've thought so much, i don't know how to talk to him anymore. i feel like he doesn't like me and i don't have the privilege to speak to him. and honestly, i think a huge part of me is just scared that i will email him, and he just wouldn't give a flying fuck. i know this is harsh, and i know he's not a harsh person like that, but it doesn't change the fact that he might not really care about me like that anymore. he might've honestly, really, finally gotten over me. but i honestly wonder if i would ever get over him. i wish i could express all of this to him. i just want a fucking answer, but there is no way that i could ever write an email that could convey all of how i feel about him and the answers that i seek. i just want to know if he still loves me without sounding so fucking pathetic.
with that said, i have no clue how i feel about c. i pretty much think that i am settling. as i've said before c has never really held a job, so most of the time i'm paying for food when we go out. i mean, there are some times where he gets money from financial aid or from his mom, where he can occasionally treat, but it's mostly me. he used to care so much because he's kind of a traditionalist, believing that only guys should pay. i have no clue what happened to that kind of thinking. i used to bring it up to him a few times, but it would just make him feel bad. but not bad enough to make him want to get a job. so what's the point of bringing it up? it just makes both of us sad. besides that, i've graduated from a university, and c is still in college, trying to transfer. he'll be starting his 4th year in a college now, and he's going to be trying to transfer in the spring, but i have no clue if he'll even make it. he only wants to go to usc. and as much as i hope for him, i also worry that it won't work out for him, because then i know he'll be really depressed. and i honestly hate dealing with a really depressed c. i feel like he doesn't listen to logic. he expects perfection from himself, but yet i never really see him aiming for that perfection, and yet, when he doesn't get that perfection, he gets so upset as if he had tried for perfection and failed. isn't that kind of like digging his own grave? i dunno how to deal with him sometimes.
in any case, another of c's shortcomings is that he's not at all appreciative in the giving sense. i'm always doing the laundry, i'm always cleaning the room and the bathroom. he's never really thoughtful either. like my netflix dvd which hasn't been mailed off, and it should've been like a week ago. i'm too busy to do it now with work, and he goes out and doesn't think about returning it at all. in another boyfriend/girlfriend sense, he doesn't buy me anything at all. he doesn't buy me jewelry, or flowers. i mean, i guess i am kinda picky, but i honestly can't remember the last time he's bought me something nice. probably the flowers for my birthday, and before that... i honestly can't remember. i understand that he can't really afford it, but it just makes me sad because i realize all the things that i put up with in being with him. things like flowers, i don't even hope for anymore. i've already convinced myself that i'm perfectly happy without them. it reminds me so much of what i said about the iphone a few entries ago. if i honestly could have whatever, i would like flowers, but because i don't get them, i have convinced myself that i don't need them, and it has extended to that i'm perfectly happy without them, which i honestly wonder if it's true. if i treated myself better, and i wanted more happiness, would what i have be enough? probably not.
i also realized today... that this is growing up... realizing that i might not end up happily ever after married to someone. that choosing someone to marry really is a hard decision, no matter how easy it may seem. i can't help but wonder if i would be happy if i married c. would i regret it? would it be a lifetime of thinking about jeff? and even if that was the case, would that be so bad? it seems like a lot of people don't end up with whom they had hoped for and they turn out fine... is this what the summation of life is? enduring through the pain and heartache, and desperately hoping and trying to grasp onto a tiny bit of happiness? i want to say no, because my logical thought is that if that was the case more people would commit suicide, but i honestly think that too many people are scared of death more than life.
will i regret my life?
on another note, work is bleh. i don't like it because i feel like it goes slow. maybe it's because i'm not used to working 8 hours. afterall, i've been working about 4 hours at a time before. the work itself isn't too bad, except for the fact that they want me to clean. i mean clean as in wiping tables with towels and vacuuming. it's not everyday, probably once or twice a week, but it's still annoying. i feel like doing cleaning work is degrading and for people who can't find anything better. which brings me to the guy that works there named k. he doesn't have to do much cleaning because he's a guy... and since i'm gonna be working there now, i doubt that he'll be doing any cleaning anymore. the girl there named donna is really nice. i actually really like her, and i hope to be really good friends with her. the boss is really strict... but he's japanese so it's not really surprising. donna says that as long as i am doing work, some work, any work, the boss won't care. which means that i'll probably work slow, because donna says there really isn't that much work...
i found out that apparantly julie and the boss are married. they have two kids: 11 and 13 years old. also k apparently is shachou's (what i call the boss) friend's son, and that's how he got the job there. so he kinda gets special treatment. donna thinks he's probably making more than $15 an hour (i'm starting at $11, then after 3 months if i do well, i'll get a raise), on top of that shachou often buys lunch for him. because of all of this special treatment, i'm jealous of him, and that jealousy has spread to my dislike of him. but donna says he's nice, so i guess i shouldn't be blaming him for his special treatment, but it's still so unfair.
k is indeed really attractive, and it makes me uneasy to be around him. because i'm pretty sure i have a crush on him. i don't really like it because i don't want to be around someone that i have a crush on, but also feel that i have no chance with, i guess it doesn't really matter because i'm with c. but honestly, even if i wasn't with c, i wouldn't try to date him. he just honestly reminds me of a character out of a manga. maybe i am upset because he's a constant reminder that people like that exist, yet i know i won't get any fun manga-happily-ever-after.
at this point, i think i really hate my life. i'm being unfair to c, and myself. if i really wanted to be with jeff, i don't even know if i could honestly leave c. i've been wondering the whole day why i decided to get with c in the first place. i mean, where was jeff in all of this before i had c? why didn't i want him then? it's also lead me to believe that maybe i only want jeff right now because i'm not happy with c.
life got really complex now that i've grown up.... and i'm only 22.
well, fuck.