which is the mistake?
@ 12:21 p.m.
arggg i'm so stupid.
i meant to wake up early to write in here today, but then i decided to read some manga, and then i had to shower. and then i remembered that i had to do a quest on ro this morning because i promised my guild. and basically that has left me with 10 minutes to write in here. not even. i have to leave in 10 mins, but i'm trying to eat while writing.
i've been thinking abuot jeff again i think. i had a dream about him last night. now, i can't even really remember what happened. maybe it's because i'm not content with what's going on between c and that's why i'm back to thinking about him. but i know i'm being stupid. i only ever want to contact jeff for my selfish needs. i don't even really know anything about him anymore. only the things i used to know and used to remember...
the past couple of nights, c hasn't even been sleeping with me. his back has been hurting so i've been sleeping on the bed by myself, and he's been sleeping on the couch. (he think it's more comfortable for his back). this wouldn't really be such a big deal, but lately i've been feeling really far away from him. with my new job leading me to think about other things (the guy named k, which i will get into now or next entry), i've been feeling really out of sorts. i've been wondering why i'm with him. i don't feel close to him at all anymore. he never wants to have sex now. it's probably been more than a week since we did. i never really thought myself to be like this. i remember when we first started out, i really wasn't interested in sex, and i just constatly wanted to be left alone. i'm still kinda like that, but the lack of sex makes me feel unloved. i mean, there's a diference between feeling loved and just knowing you are loved. i know he loves me, but not having sex really makes me feel down. all he ever seems to want from me are blow jobs. i honestly hate those, because it's so such a hassle and so hard for him to come from it. and honestly, i can't find it all that enjoyable, and besides he hardly ever wants to lick me. it leads me to believe that it's not that he isn't horny, it's just that he isn't even horny enough to put it the effort to want to do me.
i honestly, just feel very far away from him. and then i think about how things are now. he doesn't even have a fucking job. he's trying to start his business with the programming stuff, and mind you he's very talented, but he needs marcos to do the art part, and he's done some, but for the past 2 weeks, they really haven't done any work toward their game. i made him a website, but i haven't completely finished it because i don't know what he wants the contents to say. but he just wants me to do it, as if i know what to do... i don't know what's going to happen now though. now that i started a full time job i won't have much time to do anything, and i definitely can't stay up til 1am doing work for c. and i know he'll want to go to his house and stay over like we used to do. but how convenient would that shit be for me? i have to wake up at 7am. plus i don't shower at marcos's house, so i don't want to come to work smelly. i have no clue what's going to happen now. i bet what will end up happening is that he'll want to go, but then i will point out these things, and we'll get into a fight and one of us or both of us will feel like it's our fault, and be our usual "well, everything's fucked" mood.
honestly, i don't know how i feel anymore. i've been with him so long, i feel like i'm already married to him. and the feeling that married couples get, this must be what i'm feeling... and then because of that i can't help but think about jeff. what would it have been like if i had stayed with him? i have no clue what he's like anymore. and like i have said before, it's not so much that it's him, as it is who and what he stands for. i feel like he's my one hope of that perfect person. i know i feel so unsettled because of the way we ended, but i honestly can't say that if we gave it another go it would work out. it's not even like he's close to me now.
sometimes, i really wish i wasn't so stupid as to agree to start dating c again. but at least the plus side of that, is if i wasn't dating him, i might still be with exbf5 (i don't even want to write his name down). i wish i was so much better at choosing guys to date.
when i awoke this morning, and i realized that i had a dream about jeff, i immediately realized that since he's 2 years older than me, he could probably marry someone any day now and then there would never be any hope of getting back together. and it scared me... and i realized that i'm a grown up now. i want to talk to him... write to him.. ask him if he still thinks about me like before? does he still believe in a chance for us? but then i realize that's stupid... i'm with c. i shouldn't be asking him or writing him anything. and i think a part of me believes that it really is over between us, that he really doesn't believe at all that we could be together again. at least, that's the connotation in his tone that i always hear the last few times he wrote to me. i don't want to hear things like that. if that's the answers i'll get, it's better that i don't know anything at all. maybe he's finally realized that i only write him when i'm lonely and he's tired of my shit. god, this would be simpler if i wasn't with c. but it's too bad that i make such stupid decisions.
would breaking up with c be one of them?
i would like to write more but i better go; i'm late for work.