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@ 12:00 p.m.
haven't written again in awhile. i keep meaning to write sooner but it then never happens. i guess i've become lazy about this a lot more than before, but i'll try to find some time to update more often i guess.
not much has changed really, expect that i dont play ro anymore. and i find this to be quite amazing, giving the fact that ro seemed to surround my life the past 2 or 3 years. it's hard to believe that i can load up the computer without feeling the need to click on that icon. before, no matter what the situation, i would unconciously press it anyway.
i've been thinking a little about jeff the past few days. honestly, i don't know what i'm even thinking about it because there's really nothing to think about. i don't see myself persuing him in any way, not even to try to be friends with him or something like that. to be honest, i'm a little hurt by the fact that he seems to care so little about me. he used to make it to be like he'd never get over me, and now i almost feel like he's completely forgotten i exist. i don't know what i think honestly. i suppose he's just moved on. i mean, people move on all the time. but i wonder if he thinks about me? i definitely don't think about him as much as i used to, but it doesn't mean i don't i guess. maybe i'm just gravely disappointed that he is as human as i am. that he could eventually forget me. i had a dream about him last night, but i honestly don't remember it anymore.
speaking of last night, i got high. in retrospect, it might've been a stupid thing to do since i'm looking for a job, and some places make you do a drug test. but it's not like i've gotten anyone to respond in interest yet. i'm a little worn out from job hunting to be honest, even though i haven't done much. lately, i feel absolutely a lack of worth. while i was high yesterday, i felt soooo tired. and it wasn't like i was sleep deprived or anything like that, but i honestly just felt exhausted. i was playing rock band and it was hard to get my lazy fingers and brain to coordinate. honestly, now that i can recall some of these getting high incidents, i'm beginning to find that alcohol is better. i just wish it didn't make me feel like puking so much.
back to getting a job - i'm having no luck with that. my mom says i'm a fairly lucky person, but honestly i disagree. a luckier person would've gotten a job by now, whereas even though i sent out like 10 resumes, i'm still nowhere near finding a job. and i've given up on craigslist. i feel like everyone that posts there are either scammers or they're liars. the only response that i've heard from are basically people that want me for some type of pyramid scam. i just want a decent paying job. i don't know why it has to be this hard. i honestly feel that i am good enough, and i'm probably more intelligent than a lot of other people, yet.. i guess my problem is that i'm too lazy. i don't fucking know. why can't a job just fly onto my lap?
i think maybe i whine too much.
on another note, graduation was okay. my parents took me to dinner, and the food was great. honestly, since i've graduated i haven't really gone home. i mean, i did once, but my parents weren't home at the time. i've been kind of avoiding it because i feel like my mom will yell at me about getting a job. i mean, i did talk to her already a few times, and it seems like she's been fairly supportive, or trying her hardest to sound that way anyway. i haven't heard a peep of complaint out of her about how i'm not doing something right, or should've done something sooner. and honestly, i've gotta go home soon, so there's almost no avoiding it.
i haven't talked to pat in awhile. i admit part of the reason is because i don't play ro anymore, but i know also it's because i don't try to message him at all, and i guess even pat gives up in messaging me after awhile. i don't know how i feel about the whole thing. i'm not sad at all, which probably makes me a sad person, but honestly i don't feel much difference. it's kinda sad that honestly pat was probably my closest friend and yet i could give him up this easily without much care. i dunno though. in a lot of ways pat bothered me, and i honestly don't think we could've furthered our friendship in any way even if i did stay friends with him. i mean, we never talked about anything serious, or at least i wouldn't. pat moped sometimes about feeling emo, etc. but not like that isn't the way everyone is.
honestly, i think i'm a little depressed at life right now. i think if i had a job i would be much happier.