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@ 3:07 a.m.
the last time i updated i said that pat and i probably wont be friends anymore. well, i am wrong. pat finally talked to me sometime last week, and i was very surprised. i have decided that i won't be such a bad friend to him anymore and i wish i could explain in further detail about it but i really don't feel comfortable knowing anyone could be reading it.
the reason i decided to update so late is that something occurred to me while i was talking to pat tonight. i tried to give him a piece of advice, but he ended up being completely apathetic about it. and it made me realize that nobody takes me seriously anymore and that i shouldn't bother giving advice, which makes me sad because i (not out of feeling conceited or something of that nature) feel that i give good advice, and many people have told me so in the past. at least they find what i have to say insightful. but ever since i graduated from high school, i haven't really had a serious friend. by this i mean that the few friends i have (pat and c's friends) are all just people i joke around with. i don't have deep 1 on 1 conversations about what kind of dreams i have, what my plans and goals are that kind of thing (not that it would matter because at this point i am lacking in those areas. ie no dreams/goals), because of this, no thinks that i am actually smart, nor does anyone think that my advice or opinion is actually helpful. for example, marcos (one of c's friends) and i have known each other almost 4 years, and about half a year ago he had a problem about a girl. and paul talked to me about it and after i provided some insight to him, he told marcos that i had good advice, and marcos couldn't believe it because he didn't think i was that smart. bryan (c's friend) thinks of me in a similar light. and tonight i found out that pat thinks of me this way as well.
for a second when i realized this i almost felt like crying. i was saddened at the fact that nobody would ever take my advice seriously. i felt like my talents were being wasted. i now wonder if there's really anything i could do about it. i mean, i'm sure there is but i feel pretty defeated in my status right now that i don't feel that there is anything i could.
on a completely different note, the reason why i'm up so late is because i just finished the rough draft for my 20 page research paper. my teacher told me not to wait until the last moment, but i pretty much did. i started last wednesday by getting books (i had to because i had to write a bibliography that was due that day). and on that day i wrote approximately 2 pages if even that. and then yesterday (monday), i wrote out about another 2 pages. and then today, starting from about 2pm until now, with some minor breaks of food and a shower, i finished everything. i have to edit tomorrow morning, try to come up with a title, and edit the bibliography. throughout all my life, i worry heavily when it comes to assignments, but the one thing that i have always been able to rely on is the fact that in the end, i always come through and finish my work, and i'm so glad that i could say the same thing about this assignment. 16 pages in one day is by far the most i've ever written and probably the most exhausting work i've had to do.
while i was doing my work though, my brother messaged me today and asked if i was only allowed to pick 5 books what books they would be (for some assignment at school). i could only think of two at first, but then afterwards i came up with 3 other choices. one of which i have never read before, and it also left me wanting to read one of the books i've read before. i think this is partly because i came across a really interesting book in my research that made me want to read even more. i can't remember the last time i read for pleasure, and i would really like to do it, at least for now i do.
finally, well you know lately i've been feeling down about myself, about the fact that i have no dreams or aspirations. well, paul has been trying to nag me to do things such as learning PHP, or some kind of designing. he constantly says he worries about me because i have no motivation to want to do anythig but to play ro. there's actually a lot to talk about on this subject, and i am getting sleepy. i'll try to cover it next time.
xnamehere--(sorry i forget your name. i think it's justine but i can't be sure.) are you still around? i am really sad that you stopped updating. you are a good portion of the reason why i am still writing.