one life. one love. ... one person to belong to
@ 8:18 p.m.
i haven't written in awhile, and it's sad that not many of the people on my buddy list has either. :/
i've been feeling really depressed lately, mostly because i wonder if this is all life has to offer me. i can't believe i'm going to be graduating and yet i feel more lost than ever.
i can't help contemplating a little about the past. i remember a long time ago i had written that i wonder if i would be a person that constantly misses the past and the way things used to be so much so that i would end up missing out on things that that would currently be happening, which would eventually lead me to miss that moment in the future. isn't that a dumb pattern? if i could focus on the good things of the present then that wouldn't happen.
but i've been (still been) contemplating the past. i've been thinking a little about ro and that things used to be better on that game. i don't feel very happy in my current guild again, so i'm thinking about leaving to find another one. but what is the fucking point. the game is pretty dead. but yet i think it has a lot to do with me and not other people. i don't think it's other people's fault. (so what does it matter if i find another guild, it will end up the same way.) i feel that i just see things so differently that i could never fit in with other people. i don't feel that i have ever belonged anywhere all my life, and i don't see how that should change even online. i haven't been able to keep friendships (this time with pat... more on this later) and i don't see how that should change now either.
it's just that i see everything all so differently from other people. and i hate girls. they love to cause drama and all this shit, and i don't really get it. i dont get why they participate in it and (love to -possibly purposely-) get involved in it. i remember once when i sorta seemed to barely belong somewhere, but now i am just a huge drifter and i don't feel that there is anything or anywhere i belong to, and i think.. I KNOW part of the problem is because i don't do anything. and i don't know why, but i just dont want to do it. and then when i don't want to do it i feel even worse. just so fucking depressed. it's exactly as it was before: i live the life of an old person.
as for ro, i probably should quit. the game is pretty much dying. i said i don't want to be a wow fag but i might as well. i bet that if i played wow, i might belong there. i mean, i hate most of the people in my guild again, except for one person named jason. and though he has helped me a lot in the guild, he is by far the only person that really gives a rat's ass about me. nobody else does. everyone else is too busy in their own world and therefore ignoring me. whenever they come up with something, they don't really think to invite me. if they do it's only because i happen to be there. they don't take the initiative to ask me to do something because they want to. they ask me because they need the people. i dunno maybe i should just talk to jason. i think part of something i should've learned while i was in my old guild was that i shouldn't have waited until the very end just to say i give up and move on. maybe i should've said something earlier and expressed my feelings so that something could be fixed.
in some other news, pat decided not to talk to me anymore. this is not so much in a "this is a fight and i'm ignoring you." it seems more like a "this is a test and i'm ignoring you, will you do something about it?" and sadly, i won't. pat always messages me first, and i hardly ever message him first. ever since college i have given up on friends and messaging them first, so it's become that if people want to talk to me, they must message me first. it doesn't really mean that i don't want to talk to them, i just can't be bothered to message first. it's like the concept is too foreign for me to understand. in any case, i noticed about a week ago that he stopped messaging me. so while on ro, i messaged him once saying that i hadn't see him in awhile and was wondering if he was busy. he said no and that i could message him sometime if i wanted to. and i told him that i'm not good with remembering to message people, and not much else was said after that. so i can tell, this is a test. i'm pretty sure that he thinks that i think our friendship is meaningless, which isn't true. i don't think i'm a good friend to him though, so it's probably better that i don't talk to him. i say this for a number of reasons. honestly, he has been a really good guy, person, and a friend to me. i haven't been the best that i could be, and it's for the best if we stop being friends. i think i am a bad friend because i think i have a tendency to exploit my friends. and afterwards, when something happens and it comes time for me to prove that i am a good friend, i don't do it because i think that it's better for them if i don't. you may think that i am cheating out of it, that i say shit like this because i'm too much of a chicken to admit that they are a good friend or some shit like that, but i know that if i did that it would be stupid. if i re-became friends with them, i won't have changed. i'll still be that exploiting person, and honestly they are better without me. maybe i am that chicken who is looking for the way out, but if i were, wouldn't that further the argument that i shouldn't be friends with them, that they are too good for me? in any case, i have already convinced myself that i cannot keep close friends. i have never been able to keep a close friend longer than a year or two before something happens. and i have known pat for 2 years and a little longer, so obviously i must've overstayed this friendship.
honestly, i am sad about the whole thing. and i will miss him, but when i think about the things i did, and the way i felt about the whole ordeal, i can't help but feel a little relieved for him that he won't have to put up with my shit anymore. and he doesn't need my bad mouthing either.
which brings me to another sad and depressing topic that's been on my mind tonight. why can't i keep a friend? i know a part of it is because i'm a bad friend, another part is because i can't really relate to most people. do those 2 factors contribute so heavily towards my lack of friends?
i see people playing on ro and i've read a couple of their diaries and all of them seem to have one very best good friend on ro, that they do everything, and help each other with their goals. and besides that they have a couple of other friends that make the game fun. they have cliques. why am i not in a clique?? and why can't i be in one? all my life, i have wanted to belong, and i feel that i will never, ever belong fucking anywhere. i can't keep one fucking friend, and that's just really sad.
maybe if i wasn't so damn cynical? i know i judge and judge too soon.
on a totally different note. me and c are great. our relationship is strong, and honestly, if it wasn't for him right now i don't know what i would be doing, or where i would be. i wouldn't be surprised if i had possibly decided to kill myself. honestly, there's nothing that exists in life that i really want. and i'm glad that c is enough to keep me wanting to live. sometimes i wonder if i am being a little foolish, like what if i lose c in the end? but honestly, c is the only thing i feel sure about in my life, and the only thing i have ever felt so sure about. i hate saying all of this because it makes me sound like a dumb 13 year old who doesn't really know anything, but is barely falling in love with her first crush or boyfriend, but i don't know how else to express a mature woman's feelings toward her future husband other than the way i just said it. maybe that's what being sure about love is: expressing coherent thoughts in incoherent ways.