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@ 9:03 a.m.
probably shouldn't be writing here because my final exam (one of them) is in an hour and half and i've yet to study.
but i thought i would write this out since i'm here. i finally started talking to pat again. i saw him online for the first time in weeks and i said hi. we talked a little bit. but it occurred to me that there is one thing that i would like to keep hidden about pat and i from c. i can't even find the courage to quite say it here because i already feel the glare of the judgment from my supposed readers. maybe one day i can talk about it, for now i am just ashamed. not ashamed in the sense i've done some sort of cheating thing, because i don't think what i've done counts as that.
in any case, pat has some issues of his own anyways. not that i'm trying to say we all should be perfect or something. last night though, pat and i were talking. and i was ignoring his ims and the flashing tab that he had messaged me. so c came over and noticed it was flashing and decided to read it over. and on it said two ims that i would've prefer he didn't know about. the first one said something like, "i hope you and c have enough money to go out and such ><" and the second said something like "you let me worship you and then i go indecisive emo on you. i fail" the first thing is not so bad, but the second is well... but c just thinks that i talk to pat about my financial problems, which i guess isn't so bad. pat is a friend so why couldn't i have talked to him about that.
the second sentence is a lot harder to cover up. i just want to clarify that i really don't like pat in that way. and pat is just kind of a crazy weird guy. he knows that i'm with c and won't be leaving him, but he seems to do things for me as if i will, even though he states in repetition that he knows i won't leave c. like he offers to do thing for me all the time on ro. but then weirdly he even offered to do things for both me and c. i'm more than sure that he likes me, especially since he likes asians, but he knows this feeling won't be reciprocated, so he has it in his head that it's enough as long as he gets to do things for me, or as he calls it "worshiping" me. but lately he's been in this hump, because he feels that i am using him and his friendship, and then he decides he doesn't want to help me anymore, and that i should be nicer to him. you know.. whatever. i just want him to make up his damn mind. he's getting me in fucking trouble.
i'm surprised c didn't say much further in this subject. i would've been curious as to what he was thinking, but it looks like he just kept quiet. i have no idea what this means. he acted like everything was normal, but i'm a bit worried. i can't exactly bring it up because then that would show that this subject is cause for concern. and if i play it cool, at least he would think that i don't think it's a big deal (i really don't think it is; i'm just worried he thinks it is), so that leaves me clueless as to what he's thinking about the whole thing.
so yeah i guess i got one thing to hide. maybe i am better off not being friends with pat.