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@ 6:01 p.m.
texted pat. no response. i figure this means he probably won't respond unless i say something like, "where have you been? i'm worried about you". something along these lines, but i'm not sure if i'm man enough (so to speak) to say the words. kinda weird how that is. it's kind of sad to me though that i probably won't say anything of the sort, not to save a year and half's friendship. honestly, i think a big reason why i want to stay friends with him is so i can use him, milk him for all his worth. i know this is sad... and really bad, but i guess it's a sign that i probably shouldn't try contacting him again. after all, if that's all i want him for, then i probably shouldn't be friends with him. that would make me a shittily bad friend.
it has come to my attention, and hit me hard that c is really an emotional based person. and i thought that i was, but now i'm pretty sure that i'm a fairly balanced person. i say this because c is fucking emotional. i don't want to say it's a bad thing, because i don't think it is, but on the other hand, i think it's just a lot to keep up with. which kind of brings to the argument we had today. ever since the almost break up we had, both of us have been changing. i've pretty much never been on ro whenever i'm at his house, and we usually go out instead staying cooped up inside the house all day. the first couple of times i came here, i didn't seem "interested" (what he calls it) in him. but i think he thinks this based on the fact that i didn't really seem interested in sex (this is because of my urinary tract infection, which i never explained because i forgot about it so maybe i'll remember to bring it up another time). ended up having sex anyway. he still felt like i wasn't interested in him. and just now when we had this fight, apparently he doesn't think i've changed at all because he thinks i haven't changed emotionally. what a big slap in the face it was to hear that after i pretty much gave up my hobby (yeah, sad that ro was my hobby, but i don't know what else i could call it since it was all i ever did), and he acts like it was such a easy thing for me to do.
he wants me to show more affection for him. it's not that i'm particularly shy around the idea of affection, but i'm not really a showy type of person. he likes the kissing in public thing which i've never liked. (cause you know, i wouldn't want to see that. ie get a fucking room?) his recent idea in his head that i don't show enough affection is that i don't wake him up with a blow job and i should. i said i'll try to keep it in mind and do it next time, but then he got all whiney saying that i don't really want to do it. i can't seem to fucking please him. seems like to c, anything remotely sexual related is the only way i can show him that i'm interested in him. (so all the cooking, and the cleaning i do for him doesn't matter) furthermore, he doesn't really think i'm sexually interested in him. and honestly, i don't think he realizes it's simply that i don't have the sexual drive that he does that i want to have sex all the time. and because i don't want to do things as often, he immediately tags it as disinterest towards him. that's pretty fair huh? god. how dare he say that i don't try. i do fucking try! what else can i do to show him affection? god, it's like no matter what i do, he probably still won't think it's enough. i just don't understand why sex has to be the ONLY way to show him that i love him. he literally said to me that sex is his favorite or best way to show me that he loves me. i just don't feel the same way. i dunno why he can't accept that. i'm just not emotional like that i guess. honestly, i'm not too sure how to break this thought to him.
period still hasn't started yet. i thought it was going to, last night i mean, but it didn't. still haven't stopped cramping which sucks. thing needs to just come already. also, i've decided on around 12pm to take the pills... pretty sure it's the best time for me all around, cause i'll always be awake around this time on the weekends, and it's usually the shift time between my classes and work on the weekdays.