the end of jeff; the beginning of life
@ 3:23 p.m.
you know just now i realized that when i do write in here i don't end up writing about everything that's going on. like, i will only write about one particular thing. it's not a bad thing, but it's kind of annoying that i forget to write it all.
well, a lot of things have happened this weekend. by a lot, i mean everything has changed. after that entry on friday, i went home because shit is happening at work. i will come back to this topic. anyway, i go home early. i'm helping my guild out, playing ro, and then c calls me. we had an argument about something that under normal circumstances i wouldn't be mad at him about. it was about something really retarded, and honestly i shouldn't have been that mad at him. i think the main reason that i got upset at him like that was because i was upset about the fact that he never lets me win arguments. i would get into the story, but i feel like no one would understand it because it's ro related. and frankly i kind of don't want to relate the story, because it's kind of long and i can't even remember all of it quite so well.
that fight turned really sour, and next thing you know we're talking about breaking up. by talking, i mean we're texting. he called me up at one point, but we didn't talk long. he was so mad at me that i had kept such a huge lie. i told him i was apathetic, that i didn't know what i want. i talked to one of my friends in the guild named kevin, but for the sake of not confusing him with the other kevin, i will call him snap. snap just listened to my story. my mom came home later, asked me why i was crying, so i told her. i was hoping she could give me answer but she couldn't. i really did want to break up with c at that point. i thought it was over. i wanted more from life. i felt like this kind of happiness wasn't enough. there must've been more to life than this?!
meanwhile a few hours later, a bunch of crap happens in my guild on ro. i could get into it, but i have a feeling nobody would understand it. but i'll explain briefly because pat is mad at me because of it. in our guild, one of the easy ways to make money is mvping. basically you kill really high leveled monsters, and they drop loots that you can sell for money. if you have high characters, it's not too hard to kill these monsters. so anyway, there are some people who have done mvping for a long time and have gotten to go each time. pat and i are fairly new to the guild, so we haven't always gotten to go. well, this particular time pat didn't get to go and he was told that he has to take turns, while some of the older people get to go, yet again, without waiting any turns. so anyway pat started complaining about this to me, so i just told him that i don't always go and you don't see me complaining. that only seem to made him mad, and he said something like "oh i'm sorry i'm not as perfect as you!" the guild leader then comes in and says that pat can take his spot. i really hate how hypocritical he is. everyone is so goddamn selfish for some goddamn money. and i hate the fact that the guild leader just gave in to some weak ass whining. whatever. pat's really mad at me about this though. he changed his account password, gave me back my shit. said don't expect his help anymore. but whatever i don't need anything of his. he signed off aim and shit. i was a little worried about him because i haven't heard from him since friday night. i texted him on sunday, but he didn't respond. i found out today that he's just fine and my worrying about him was pointless. he's fine and dandy, just choosing to ignore me because he's still mad i guess. i've never seen him that mad at me before though but whatever. i don't know why he is so angry. i guess i do judge him too harshly, but it doesn't change the fact that i think he's being hypocritical. they're all fucking selfish for it, and they need to calm the fuck down about it.
anyway whatever. i just wanted to mention that because i know i don't want to explain it later and i might end up bringing up shit about pat.
anyway, i went to bed after all of that drama went on. woke up at 5am, and c came down to see me. i didn't know how i felt. i wasn't exactly surprised that he came i guess. i was kinda glad to see him. reminded me a little of how i felt. we talked only very briefly because i was tired. i would've invited him in the house but my mom wouldn't have liked that. so he slept in his car, which made me feel bad, because sleeping in the car is cold, especially since it's winter. the next morning he came and we had a talk. things seem uncertain and the whole day things were just... unsure. i wasn't completely sure how things were gonna turn out. at first i seemed so sure things were over, but then he came over to see me and then i wasn't sure anymore.
i thought in my head, that even if he did make me happy, 100% happy in the sense of that happy that i look for, the happy that i want for the rest of my life, i still felt like i didn't want to get back with him. why? i think the reason for that lies in the fact that i still wanted to see other guys. i was semi-interested in kevin... and i still kind of wanted to be with jeff.
but i finally realized sunday, after he had left that i was being stupid. if i was offered that kind of happiness, that i could have that kind of happiness, why should i be looking for other guys? it makes no fucking sense. and i don't think kevin sees me that way. why should i hope around like a little girl that he might possibly want me, when i have someone else that can be capable of making me happy anyway. shouldn't that be enough?
and i now realize that it's over between jeff and i. like it's completely over. no matter what happens between me and c, jeff and i are over. i'm tired of trying to reel him whenever i can't find fish anywhere else. he deserves his own happiness. he may not even realize what i'm doing, and if he were, he may not be so easily reeled, but it doesn't change anything. i'm tired of looking at him like he MIGHT be the one for me, no matter what the situation. we broke up because we couldn't literally be together, but if we really weren't meant to be we should've been able to stay together then, no matter what.. and you know if we were meant to be together, then we will. but what the fuck is the point of dreaming, hoping, wishing that we may someday end up together, when i'm with someone else that could possibly make me happier? it's not like everything would be perfect if we were to end up together anyway. jeff is just a romantical fantasy that i have of being with the man of your dreams. but the truth is though that i just gave the role to jeff, but it doesn't mean that that's who he is. he is a dream man that i don't honestly know, but i feel that i can put him in that high position because i don't really know who he is... but all of that is so stupid. it keeps me from living honestly. so i'm through with it all. i need to be more honest with myself and with c. i don't want to be with c, and think about other guys. i want to be honest towards him. so i am willing to give jeff up for that. and what jeff stands for me. because honestly, when i think about it c could be "jeff".
i have never honestly been happier with c. c came down yesterday for my birthday. we went to santa monica pier. i really didn't want to go to be honest, because there really isn't anything to do. c likes it because it's where he took me on one of our earlier dates. we rode the rollercoaster there yesterday. and we spent some time at the arcade. for once, it wasn't about DDR, but about all the other games. i didn't really want to play air hockey, because i suck, but i did it anyway, and it felt nice in it's own way. we won about 150 tickets and went to look at the prizes, but there wasn't anything i wanted except a shot glass. but that cost 350, so we're gonna save up for next time.
we then went to sushi mac, which is awesome and yummy. i ate too much though, and didn't feel so good after. that's not good for my diet.
after that we saw the movie slumdog millionaire. it was a really good movie, and i was actually quite surprised by it. it's been a really long time since i didn't feel like i got ripped off paying to go to the movies, because usually the movies are good, but not worth like $10.
he dropped me home. he didn't go home right away though. he'd been upset with me for a little while, since before the movie started, and i knew. i couldn't get him to tell me though. finally, he tells me that he's upset because he thinks that my feelings for him have changed, that i'm not interested in him like i used to be. i guess it's true in the fact that i don't quite like to kiss him all the time that he does me, but i do get upset and down if i try to kiss him and he doesn't seem very interested.
i wanted us to make love, so we moved to my room. it was absolutely perfect. it wasn't like we hadn't had sex before, but i can't remember a lot of them to be honest. the last time that i really recall a really perfect moment of sex like that was about 2 years ago. it got really passionate i guess because he wanted to come inside me. it's a good thing that i noted here that my period started jan 5th last time, so i was pretty damn sure that my period was gonna start soon, especially because i kept cramping all day yesterday like i was gonna.
well, a lot of shit happened. a lotta stuff was said. and honestly, at this point i think i should totally save this entry for another day. there is so much to be said about what happened, and how we felt, and how we are taking the whole thing, but i'm getting tired now because i have already typed up a lot.
but i do want to clarify that i have never felt so much happier about being with c. and instead of my usual feeling of meh about him, i really do miss him. and it'd be nice if he were here. i don't mind his phone calls so much, at least definitely not like i used to. i have never felt so sure about us as i have ever felt before.