i feel like there's no one else out there for me..
@ 12:29 p.m.
sunday is my birthday, and this whole week i've been thinking to myself, "there's gotta be more to life than this right? i'm fucking turning twenty two, but it feels like my life is fucking over."
yesterday, i felt a little more content and happy. it made me feel like i love c. i want to stay with c. today, i feel like i've already decided that i'm going to break up with him. obviously i haven't. but i don't know what the fuck it is that i want. i guess the main fear that is keeping me back (beside the fact that i honestly am scared he might kill himself if we broke up) from breaking up with him is that i get scared that i won't get something more. right now i have him, but i feel like it's not enough. like isn't there more to life than what i have with c? is this what the rest of my life is gonna be like?! it's kind of a similar feeling to the one i had when i was with gil, but with gil, i don't think i really found any happiness there, i just felt like it was the choice i was supposed to make. and that at least i would be well off financially. but when i knew of a chance of a happiness with c, i left gil for that. but now i feel like this happiness that i feel is not enough. i know that there are people out there with way more happiness than me (when it comes to their significant other), but i am worried that i won't be able to find that. and i would rather have at least something with c, then nothing at all. plus, there are aspects that i do like about c that i might not be able to find with other people. some parts of starting a new relationship really puts me off, but i know that i do enjoy the other parts.
when it comes down to it, i just get scared that i will never find even a little bit of happiness with anyone if i were to break things off with him.
i kept up that walking for 30 minute thing until yesterday. it rained heavily yesterday, so i didn't know what i was supposed to do. but i'll tell you what i felt so fucking guilty for not taking that walk yesterday... however, not guilty enough to try to make up for it by walking an hour today.
i am not really losing any weight. i'm at 169 lbs. what the fuck is going on? i think it's cause i started to eat too much. i better stop it. i want to get rid of this fucking weight.