c, jeff, kevin, fuck them all.
@ 11:12 p.m.
every time c calls me and he sounds upset, i get paranoid that he somehow found this diary and KNOWS EVERYTHING. and that makes me want to lock this diary already. i've been thinking even more so lately if c is right for me. i think most of the time i think i would be okay with it, i mean if we broke up, but then a few days ago he said something that made me realize that i do love him, because i know if we broke up, i would be heartbroken. but then i wonder if that's because he's someone i've been with for so long, or if it's because i actually love him. i mean, i know i love him, but how much do i really love him?
and every time that he seems worried about something, i feel so guilty for reassuring him that everything is fine. i am not sure at this point if i don't want to break up because i don't want to hurt him, because i'm scared he might kill himself, or if it's because i'm too much of a wimp, and that i don't know what i'd do without him because he's all i've ever known (that's not literally true, but it feels that way). i know it's definitely both. but i wonder which one i am leaning towards more. i guess i don't really want to break up with him, because even though i really want to be single, i think a part of me is scared to be single.
i just keep thinking that maybe i should keep thinking about my decision some more before i come to a conclusion. but at this rate, i don't think i'll ever come up with one. i still haven't gone to see him yet. it's been over two weeks. he hasn't told me to come see him, and i'm surprised. i'm semi enjoying being at home. i think i like the stability. i am also a little bit worried that we may start drifting, but i think a part of me likes that idea so then maybe the break up won't be so bad if there is one. if there isn't, then we can still pick up right where we left off. no big deal. i just feel as though i'll never come with an answer though. i always have been one of the most indecisive people. after all, since i never seem to know what i want in life, that doesn't exactly help.
i think another thing to add to this problem is this new guy named kevin. i only talk to him online, but i feel like i am starting to like him a lot. i think he likes to me too, but the bigger question is if it is an honest liking? but what the fuck am i saying, i have a fucking boyfriend. he knows i do, but we're still flirting. he said to me today that there is a girl that he thinks he would be perfect with. i dunno if i felt jealous or what the feeling was exactly that i felt. but i can't help but hope a little that he was talking about me. but i think that's the side of me that just wants people to like me and find me attractive. i don't know what the fuck it is that i want right now. kevin on top of all this confusion isn't really a good thing. and then there's still jeff. i'm so tired of turning to him when i feel like everything is going wrong with my love life, as if no matter what happens i'll always still have him. a few days ago, i had been asking myself why hadn't i just gotten with jeff. why did i decide to go for c? what made me end up deciding him? oh yeah. it's because he's right here. that's the reason right? NOPE. the reason is because i started viewing him as my fallback guy. when some relationship doesn't work out, or i'm having trouble with the current one, he's the one i turn to, thinking that only he's perfect for me, i should only be with him. i only love him, he was the only one ever for me, and i didn't know wtf i was thinking. and i now just realized that i totally treat jeff as my back up guy. and i hate that about myself. i do want to give jeff a fair shot, but he lives so far away. maybe it should tell me something though, that i'd rather be with jeff than c. or maybe it should be telling that perhaps i would even like to get with kevin. but that's stupid as well. if i broke up with c, it will not be because of kevin!!
on a totally different note, i've started to be more active. 30 minute walks everyday. i'm already really sore. i'm at 167 lbs i believe. i'm gonna weigh myself tomorrow and check. but i have high hopes this will work. it's gonna be hard to maintain, but i want this. i want to do this for myself. i want to do this for my future husband. i want to do this for a better life. i need to fucking do this! i'm just so goddamn scared i'm going to think, "nah, fuck it i'll skip out on the walk today." that's how it always starts, but then before i know it's 3 or 4 days later and i'd still be thinking i'll definitely walk tomorrow. i don't want that to happen.
ps. i am starting to love the band maroon 5