a semi-drunken dream about eric
@ 5:46 p.m.
it's chinese new year (well tomorrow it is officially actually) and my family and i went to this restaurant, some really expensive one that my mom went to with some people at work. when we get there, it turned out that whatever food she got that day, they weren't serving it today. but there was wine... and i had a little bit of it. i was feeling a little lulzy on the way back from the restaurant and i guess that alcohol must've done something to me, because i fell into a deep sleep that i just now woke up to. (although mind you, i stayed up til 6am talking to someone last night and only got 4 and a half hours of sleep so falling asleep was not a big surprise.)
and i thought i would write about this dream before i forgot. it was about eric. he looked a little bit different, but i definitely knew it was eric. the thing is, i was led to see eric by a supposed friend. (i don't know this person irl.) so anyway, i'm lead to a table by him. eric was there, and i think jason and susan was too, along with someone else, but i can't be sure. (i haven't spoken to jason and susan in a couple of years. they were semi good friends of mine in high school that were dating, but i think they have broken up. but they were together for at least a couple of years.) at first i thought eric was surprised to see me. and i thought that everyone else was too. i think i was a little surprised to see him, but it was weird, after some talking (though i feel like not much words were exchanged), i realized that i knew he was gonna be there, and that they knew i was gonna be there. i think i asked him at one point if he knew i was gonna be there, and he said yeah, he kinda did. it sounded like, and from the way he was acting, that he wanted to get back with me. (i dont think c existed in this dream)
i was a little hesitant, reluctant, but i remember the confidence i had in my dream. this was a confidence i never had around him, or ever in real life. i was so sure of myself, and i felt and knew that i was different, and special from everyone else, and it was like as if i knew that i could have whatever i wanted. and i think i wanted him, but i didn't trust him with my heart. i remember at one point, i mentioned to him something about the fact that he really broke my heart, and then he apologized for it. in my head, i was kinda thankful that he did break up with me though, because i knew that he didn't really love me, and i was wanting to have sex with him at the time, and i think i scared him off into realizing that he didn't feel that way about me, and that it wouldn't be right between us. i told him that i wish he broke things off between us sooner, before he broke my heart.
oh, and it turned out, he had a bunch of people looking after me all these years that we were apart, because he wanted to make sure i was okay. i told him that i couldn't believe he didn't trust me at all. (when we broke up, i think he really thought i might have committed suicide) i think i forgave him for the prying. he said that he still thought about me and such. i can't remember some of the other things that were said, and sadly my memory of this dream is already dying, and i all i have is my queasy stomach from the alcohol i drank.
anyway, i was having lunch or something with the 4 of them. and by the time i was nearing to go, i think there was only 2 or 3 people else that was there. (where did they go? i don't know.) i was kind of rushing to go, but i knew that eric would follow me. and he did. i told him that all of this happening at the moment is pretty much exactly what i had dreamed about happening (quite literally it seems!). i don't think he said anything to that. i could tell he was trying to ask for me to get back with him. but i took the elevator to go without him, but... this next part is weird. i don't quite remember what happens but then i get on the elevator, and he doesn't? i dunno. in any case, i went down without him and after i got out, i felt that i still wanted to talk to him, so i waited by the elevator (because somehow i knew he was gonna come down to see me, even though this wouldn't have made any sense irl), and then the door was about to open... but then i woke up very abruptly.
i am not sure if the dream made me happy or sad or what exactly. the me in my dream, is someone i wish i could emulate in real life. she seemed so happy about life. she had friends. she had confidence that i will never have, and she felt like she was different, better than everyone else.
and honestly, what i said in the dream is true. i felt so much like this is exactly what i wanted to happen in real life. i think a part of me wants him to admit that he was wrong. i think i want to believe that he still cares about me, that he still thinks about me like i do him, but i honestly don't know if he does. and a part of me still kinda loves him, and i wonder if that's true on his part too. but i think all i ever was to him was a friend that he deeply loved, and he just happened to get a little oral out of it too. the thing is, if all this happened, it's not like i would leave c for him. i don't think he deserves that much from me. i guess i wish that we could be friends. i guess i just wished to know that he still cared about me, that he thinks of me. i wonder if i meant anything to him at all. i think about talking to him a lot, but i am too scared to do it. i think a part of it is because i'm scared of what he'll think i'll have become (fat and not going anywhere in life, what i'm majoring, the fact that i don't really have any friends; there's quite a lot that he could judge on), and beside that, i'm scared that if i do try to be friends with him, it won't be the same anymore. i'm scared that it will be a repeat of what happened with nancy. (read this one, and this one for what happened there, though i know aim chats suck) it never felt like how it felt before. it always felt forced. i never felt comfortable. in the back of my mind, i still felt like she betrayed me. things were never the same again, and it made sad. it made me realize that what we had really was gone forever. our friendship really was gone. and i guess it was good in the way that, because now i never really think about her anymore. before we kinda patched up, i constantly thought about her, wonder if she missed me, etc. but now, i just sometimes wonder what she's doing, but there is no longing that i sometimes feel with eric. i felt like i got closure. but i don't want this to happen between eric and i if i were to talk to him. i think i would rather keep the past alive by not taking a chance, because if i were to talk to him, and found that there was nothing there, i think it would be a repeat of what happened with nancy. i guess i am still holding onto eric, and our past. i guess i would rather have a little bit of longing for him, than nothing at all. but isn't holding onto the past a bad thing? to keep pondering about the past? i dunno what i should do. even if i were to talk to him, what would i say? he'll probably ask me what i have been up to (if he even cared), and i don't want to spill any of what i don't like about myself to him, which is so much of it. i just wonder if he thinks about me sometimes. if i just knew that much, it would be enough.
i would like to talk about what me and my friend, ginger, was talking about last night til 6am, but i guess i'll just save that for the next entry or something because i am tired now.