just visiting... everywhere
@ 1:06 p.m.
no one commented to the last paragraph to my previous entry and it makes me feel like maybe i am a bad person. :x
on a totally different note... i came home yesterday (from c's). this morning, while at the breakfast table, my mom says to me "when you're at home why don't you talk to me more often?" it's true that i probably don't talk to her enough. but come to think of it, i don't really say much of anything to anyone. but it made me realize, that she expects me to keep her company or do something with her, or whatever you want to call it.
and it made me realize that if i do as she likes, i have no time to myself. when i'm at home it's like a visit, not at all like i've come home from a visit. and when i am at c's, it definitely feels like a visit, because i'm constantly so busy, that i don't get resting time. so when i come home, i'm expecting to rest, but it occurs to me now, that my mom wants it to be a "visit time". but yeah, fuck that. i am not gonna be running around (driving around) back and forth, and during the time i am "visiting" all the fucking time that i don't get any time to do whatever the fuck i want.
it just occured to me today, this morning how sad that is. that i can't do whatever i want to. i always have to feel alert and uncomfortable and NOT AT HOME. i think for the first time i have truly understood what it's like to not belong anywhere. i think everyone takes this for granted. i know i sure as hell miss those days of being in my room all the time, doing whatever i want, with nobody to bother me.
but you know what, i will probably never get them back. when i move out for good, c will probably want to be with me often. so no privacy there, no "i can do whatever the fuck i want to whenever i want to". and once we do move in, like for good, i won't have my do whatever i want time. i can just imagine c wanting to be with me all the fucking time, doing whatever i'm doing, being in the same room as me (cause he wants to not cause he has to like it is currently). and then once i start popping out babies, i sure as hell won't have any do whatever i want time.
i guess what i'm trying to say is, i've already lost my do whatever i want time, and i'm never going to get it back, and that sucks.