"save it for later"
@ 3:14 p.m.
so apparently this page is a little fucked up on internet explorer (but god who uses that shit anymore). well the people at work here do, so i yeah, now that i am aware of this i'll have to go fix it when i get home.
reading blazingstar's sex diary kinda makes me want to start my own, but kinda is the key word here. i wouldn't because i've always hated separating certain things that i talk about into some kinda category. i can just write about it all in one diary. like, a long time ago i used to want to start a dream diary about all the dreams i had, but i decided not to for this reason. if i had some kinda weird dream, or memorable dream, whatever, then i can write it down with my main diary. if something like that is only fitting in a "dream diary" then i don't think that dream was important enough to keep account of anyway.
my second reason for not wanting to start a sex diary is because i think it would be depressing. compared to the tone that blaze uses in her diary, i know mine would sound apathetic, uncaring, and yeah, depressing. which is something sex shouldn't be about. i know the reason because of this is me. not him.
like, c is willing to do fucking everything, and anything so that i get in the mood, but i just never really seem to want to. is there something wrong with that? c wants to do things all the time, and like i said, if i wanted to have sex every day i could, but i am usually just not in the mood. i kinda wouldn't mind doing it in the morning (on the weekend anyway; i wake up too late to do much of anything on the weekdays), but i always wake up way earlier than him. and the few times that i have tried to initiate anything, i couldn't get him to wake up. during the day, i'm usually doing something and i generally don't feel like stopping whatever i'm doing to have sex. at night, i usually fall asleep watching tv or something like that, but he's still up doing something. so last night, i fell asleep watching tv with him. and he wakes me up for sex. i am just not in the fucking mood if i'm sleepy (but i guess from my tone i never am in the mood), but he wakes me up anyway, he kinda gets me in the mood, but mostly i was fighting it and wanting to go back to sleep. eventually i lose. the sex wasn't great, but it wasn't bad. he came. i didn't. i kinda wanted to, but i didn't want to ask, and in any case, he told me to "save it for later". sucks that i have to "save it for later" but i get what he means, i rarely get horny and want to initiate sex, so at least if he were to initiate, i might possibly want to have sex when he does. this is what "save it for later" means. i really did want to come, but i didn't have any energy to argue with him so i fell asleep.
this is the kind of sex entries that i would be posting, and i think it is too depressing that the whole diary would be filled with this kind of crap, if i were to start a sex diary i mean. but then again, this apathy of mine is transparent throughout my whole diary here. i guess it's just who i am.
when it comes down to it, i don't think i really enjoy sex that much. (maybe part of it is because of my apathy?) i don't enjoy sex because i am never wet enough for his entry. and i associate that frustration with sex. lube gets kinda messy and gross, and though i am willing to use it, i just don't want to have to. i think, "well maybe this time it won't be so bad", but then it is, but by the time that's happened, i don't want to use lube because then it makes the pain worse from the pain caused from c when he tries to enter. maybe part of the reason is that there is no foreplay, but to be honest i don't think i really enjoy that either. c licking my boobs gets me horny but still not enough to get me wet enough (sorry if that was a bit too graphic for you @_@). as for the sex itself. i hate long sex. 10-20 minutes is good enough, and i think that c would like it to be longer, but i think the reason why i hate long sex is because sex only feels really good to me the first few minutes of penetration, after that it's just okay. i don't really feel the pleasure in it, but.. i don't know. i honestly wish that i was having sex again for the first time. when we first started having sex (more than 2 years ago now), it was so great! i was even more into it then. and i wanted it more often.
you know, the more i think about this the more i feel like an old married couple, on more than even this level. c and i argue so much, it's a little ridiculous.
on a different note, i've been thinking about unlocking my diary, but i am so paranoid that c will find it, that i don't know... god, if c ever read any of these thoughts, i'm pretty sure that there would be so much anger on his part, that i couldn't explain myself out of any of it. and i guess, what is there to fucking explain? it is what it is. i just don't tell him so much of this because the information will either hurt his feelings, or because he is too goddamn stubborn to accept some of these feelings as normal. you know, i wouldn't be too surprised if it would mean the end of us. i used to be all about keeping things out in the open between us, but it's less and less like that now. i don't think c could accept these truths. isn't it sad that these secrets, thoughts, and whatever you want to call them that i write in here could possibly break me and him apart? am i a terrible girlfriend? is this a terrible relationship... am i making it the terrible relationship that it is?