sacrifices
@ 11:22 a.m.
i've been feeling kinda depressed lately. i guess the fact that i mainly stay at home and don't do much kinda gets to me after awhile, whether i like to admit it or not.
i've mainly been playing ro, and c's been giving me crap about it as usual. i know he doesn't mean to, but he just wishes that i did other things instead of spending so much time on a game that doesn't get me anywhere in real life. i tell him i would stop playing for him, but he doesn't want me to, that it's okay. but yet he gives me such shit about playing when i do. i get so frustrated. i guess if it came down to it i would quit. but i would prefer not to. but he's making it damn hard for me to stick to a decision. on the one hand i really would like to play. i just don't have to devote so much time to it (but then i end up kinda doing that...) on the other hand, i would be more than willing to give it up for him, because i see him get so unhappy.
c is currently downloading a shitload of movies and documentaries, and it's lagging up the internet connection so bad that loading up a fucking web page takes minutes. it's a little bit ridiculous. he's currently sleeping so it doesn't affect him. i know that if i were to stop his downloads though he would get so pissed at me, and if i were to stop the download so i could play ro, he would get even more angry. it is impossible to use the internet in this condition, but i think that's an aspect of c that i am not fond of. he has the tendency to be selfish and not even realize it. if it was the other way around, i wouldn't care if i had to stop my downloads.
and you know i'm fucking living with him, because he wants me to. yeah, i mean i do enjoy being with him. i like being able to sleep besides him at night. i enjoy every aspect of the good parts that there is about living with him, but i'm pretty sure that c has no clue what some of the bad parts of living with him is. for example, that i'm not allowed to stay alone in the house with no one home. that means i have to be with him all the fucking time when i am here. i don't think he realizes this is an inconvenience for me. or if he does, he doesn't speak of it because he believes it's a worthy sacrifice for being able to live with him. while i'm okay with that, what about him sacrificing some things? i just wish that i could see it the way he does.
whenever i go back home, i am glad that i can do whatever i want, but c just always wants me around him, or so it feels. and it's not that i don't miss him, but i just never get any freedom while i am here.
my point is i don't think c realizes how much i sacrifice to be with him here, and he won't allow me to use his damn internet to even visit a few websites.