exboyfriend number 4, and that's all he is to me
@ 9:13 p.m.
i'm pretty sure i haven't talked about him yet, the main reason because i never think about him. the reason i don't think about him is partially because i hate him, partially cause i'm embarrassed by him, partially cause there's nothing to think about. out of all the guys i dated, gil is the one that i regret the most (if i regret any of my other relationships that is), but i know without a doubt that gil was the mistake of a lifetime, of my lifetime and well fuck, excuse me if i don't want to think about him, get in contact with him, because honestly i just don't want to think about the fucking guy.
so he must've been pretty bad to me for me to be like this right? no, actually he didn't do anything. i did all the doing.
in the summer of 2006, i met him online through that game i used to play, gunbound. in all total, i made 3 entries about him in this diary, and i'm not sure how many that i made in my main one. but ever since i realized what a huge mistake he was i have never read the entries again. i don't because i know they would just make me cringe. it would just remind me of how fucking stupid i was, and honestly, i don't even need to look at that shit to remember how stupid i was.
even now, it makes me a little sick to write about him.
i usually don't think about him, and under any other condition, i would've never decided to write about him, but a few days ago c brought him up. c has always kinda been worried about him. this is mainly because when i started hanging out with him and such, i was still with gil. i cheated on gil with c. because of this, c has always been kind of weary that i will do it to him, and he's also kind of been weary about gil in general. little does c realize that gil is the last of my exes for him to worry about. chris, eric, especially jeff would be good candidates to worry after. gil? no. i'd rather die alone. but yet, gil is the one c brings up the most whenever he gets struck with a feeling of insecurity.
so the other day c asked me if i feel the way that i did with gil. am i happy with c? and am i truly happy?
and in order to explain all this i have to backtrack and tell you what it was like to be with gil (ew). it was not love at first sight. in fact, after the whole long distance thing with jeff, i was pretty sure that i would swear off the whole damn thing forever. i mean, the jeff thing sucked ass. and maybe i will talk about him, i mean actually explain about him (i'm pretty sure that i would enjoy talking about jeff a lot more than gil) one day soon, but not tonight. so anyway, i rejected him. we were just really good friends i guess. we played the gunbound often enough. pretty soon we found out that we were pretty damn alike. we liked a lot of the same things. that is something i definitely can't deny is that me and gil were very similar. (unlike me and c who could not be more different. when it comes to choosing two different people two be with, i couldn't have chosen someone less like each other.) so he pressured me after like 3 or 4 months that i should give it a chance. so i did. i guess it was okay. i must admit, at that point in my life, i was really damn alone. so he was really all i had in a way. we (or at least i know i did) used to think we were so cool. and we'd make up stuff in the game while talking to other people that we were together in real life.
god, when i think about some of the shit i did and thought, i can't help but cringe and want to slap myself for being probably the dumbest i have ever been in my entire life, and i know that my mind capacity couldn't have been higher than a 11 year old who though he/she was so cool.
so, this is when it gets bad. i haven't said it before because it hasn't come up, but i am one vain motherfucker. by this i mean, i am absolutely repulsed by ugly people. (which i really don't think i am in any right to judge, considering i'm not exactly miss skinny and pretty, but whatever. i can't help who i am.) and yes, gil was ugly. okay, i guess that was kinda mean. but to put it simple, i definitely wasn't attracted to him, and if i had met him through sight i wouldn't have wanted to date him. however, as vain as i am, and am generally willing to admit it to strangers, i am not completely cruel and i would never blow off someone and tell them they are ugly if i can help it, even if that's how i feel. so anyway, we'd been together for a little while when i saw his picture, so i just tried to think about his personality over what he looked like. and you know it pretty much work. i guess it's associating a personality with someone's appearance. i'm sure that people know tons of people who are ugly but become beautiful because they have good personalities.
i suppose though, that gil wasn't that ugly (his appearance). he was fat, kinda overweight i guess. his face wasn't exactly that much better, but i know that there are way worse looking people out there. in the end, though his appearance did bother me, i eventually learned to kind of like him, and worked around the way he looked. his personality helped because i suppose he wasn't a bad guy.
so we got together during may and then i went to anime expo on the july 4th weekend, and that's when i came in contact again with c. we hadn't spoken in awhile because i had found him to be annoying, and i can't stand talking to him. so after telling him to leave me alone he did. anyway, i ended up spending most of my time with c that weekend, and he confessed to me that he still liked me. i said that i couldn't do a long distance relationship. (not a complete lie.) since c came into my life, it turned me around quite a bit. i stayed over at his house one night before i left to meet gil. and that's when i cheated on gil. no, we didn't have sex, not even oral, but i might talk about this another time. anyway, it ended up leaving me so unsure of gil. should i be with gil or c?
so i flew out to florida to meet him for the first time. i stayed with him the last week of august or the beginning of september, i can't remember. i just remember that on my way to gil, i felt so trapped. but i just knew that i had to make a decision. and i was desperately seeking, hoping to find the answer. and i was scared that i wouldn't be able to make a decision by the end of the trip.
gil was short. he was shorter than me. i'm 5' 6", 7" and he was shorter than me. i am not by any means tall, so it did bother me that he was shorter than me, not something i was expecting. and his appearance did bother me. i was not at all comfortable with him the first night, and yet i slept in the same bed with him. i don't really remember what any of all that was like, but i just remember the awkwardness. and i was so uncomfortable i was deathly against taking off my jacket. and this was in the middle of a humid summer day in florida. so i was pretty desperate. finally, it just got way too hot and i had to take off my jacket.
eventually, i kinda got pass the whole thing and i had decided. i decided gil over c. and i came to the this conclusion based on this magical time i was having with him. i choose him because i believed he would've given me stability. he was in school trying to be an RN, and i forget how far along he was, but i'm sure he probably is an RN now. i chose him because if i stayed with him, all my other dreams would come true. all the ones that could be bought. and i convinced myself that since i could have everything else, i could learn to love him. i mean, he really wasn't a bad guy, and if i stayed with him i could have everything. and with that i thought that i would be spending the rest of my life with him. and just like that i gave up my virginity to him. and what was my reasoning behind this?
i thought stupidly to myself that if i was going to end up eventually sleeping with him, what difference does it make if i did it now instead of waiting til another time? i can't believe how stupid i was. of course it makes a difference. it makes a difference if i were to decide in the end that i don't want to be with him. but at the time, i had myself so thoroughly convinced that he was going to be the one. what a fucking retard i was.
after i came back home, i started to realize that i would never be happy with gil. he didn't really make me happy. i was still kinda hung up on his appearance, and i also began to notice certain aspects of his personality that i couldn't stand. and i realize that magical week - or however long i spent with him - was that way probably because it was so different from anything i'd done before. if i were to live with him on daily basis, i wouldn't be happy.
i tried to lie to my heart and tell myself that i would be happy with him, because it was the smart thing to do. he was someone that really could've taken care of me. but i knew in the end that, i didn't really love him. i didn't really care for him like i thought i did. we broke up in september or october (i can't quite remember), and i didn't shed one single tear for him. all i felt was my own stupidity at what i had done. and anger that i hadn't listened to myself.
and i immediately ran back to c. and we have been together ever since. for awhile gil asked if we could be friends, but i had started to really hate him by then. not just because of my own stupidity of what i had done, but like i said, i began to see a side is his personality that i hated and found annoying. and he only made it worse when he wrote on my facebook wall (kinda like myspace comments) saying that he was drunk and some other shit. (which was fucking stupid of him on a totally different level because he hated people who drank and got drunk because he thought them to be retarded... kinda like how some people look at those who do pot). i dunno if he was trying to impress me, but it had just made me disgusted in him even more. eventually, i had just learned to ignore him. he has tried to contact me once since then, i forget when. but he wrote me a mail through myspace. i never responded. i hate him still. i hate that i couldn't have listened to my own instinct. i hate that i couldn't have known any better.
anyway, i bring all this up because at one point, i had myself convinced that i was happy with gil. as if being with him would bring me happiness, instead i was trapped and i didn't know it. and c knows this. and he asked me the other day, if this is how i felt about me and c's relationship.
and i immediately said no, because there wasn't any way that it was. but then i thought to myself that maybe it was like that? didn't i say that i had felt trapped a little while ago?
but you know, writing all this out makes me realize that i feel trapped in a totally different kind of way. i felt trapped by gil. and though i feel kind of trapped by c too, it's a trap that i would feel no matter who i was with. i sometimes wish for better, because i know that as good as c is, i know there is better. but i think that c deserves a lot of credit for loving me. the one big difference, and the most important is the way others have loved me. and i am sure, more than anything else, more than anything else i will ever know, that no one can, no one will ever love me as much as c does.