"i know what you're thinking"
@ 10:33 p.m.
i was gonna write this part to the entry i did earlier today, but i ended up running out of time while i was at work because i had to leave.
so i'm pretty sure that what i'm about to write will be more interesting than most of the other stuff i've been talking about lately. but before i get into it, i have to input some background into the situation.
i'm pretty sure that i have already mentioned this but c is pretty damn horny. by this i mean that if i wanted to, we could have sex at least twice a day. but i simply don't have that kind of a drive, and i never had. i started masturbation when i was 16. c started at like 11? it was his way of fighting depression. and being as he was depressed, i don't think it's surprising that he would abuse the one thing that brings pleasure in his life. therefore he ended up doing it often. as for me, i had tried early on in life, but i couldn't find myself enjoying it... and i never orgasmed until i was 16 and only then did i start. my point is that i can't keep up with c's sex drive.
i mean, it's not like all we do is sex, we do oral sometimes, etc. but even that is something i can't always enjoy, or always want to do. in the end, he just wants to do it a lot more often. and i don't want to say that i find sex to be a waste of time, but sometimes i do see it that way, and i'm simply not in the mood, and i just want to do something else.
c rarely masturbates while i'm with him. what i mean is, if he's horny, he'll either try to initiate sex with me, or if i'm not in the mood, he won't do anything. or sometimes he'll ask for a blowjob from me or sometimes he'll just ask me to kiss him while he's doing it himself.
however, when i'm not with him. i am almost 100% sure that he will masturbate. i mean honestly, for someone like him who masturbated two or three times a day before he got with me, it's not really surprising that he would take the opportunity to do it. i'm pretty sure that if i wasn't home more often (ie i was away from him more often), he would masturbate a lot more often. he doesn't want to do it in front of me because he finds it embarrassing, and yeah it is, it's understandable. i mean, i know i couldn't do it while he's off on the other side of the room doing something else.
anyway, the reason i talk about this is because we have had many arguments in the past because of this. most of the arguments i have decided to drop because it's too detrimental to our relationship. the only thing i can really do is just try to be understanding about it, because there's nothing else that can be done.
i used to give him a hard time saying that it hurt me that i wasn't enough. there has been a few times where i would give him a blow job, he would come, and within a few minutes he would be horny again, wanting to masturbate. but he knows that i don't want to give him another one, so he would simply jerk by himself. i mean, honestly from my perspective, how could i not be hurt? he swears it's not cause he's not satisfied, but i can't help but feel a little inadequate. i have learned since then that i probably shouldn't anymore. he says it's not like that... and i think that even if i was inadequate, i have done all i could, and probably more than a lot of other girlfriends. but i have honest faith in him that i do make him happy and i just have to trust in that.
so why then, while on my way to work today, i said to him, "i know what you're thinking.. no fapping." (fapping is what we call masturbation) (link is NSFW) he says, "aww why not?" and for some reason, i wasn't really expecting that. i was expecting him to say okay. for some reason i had myself fooled that he wouldn't take advantage of the only time we have spent apart in awhile to fap. (by that i mean that we literally spend every minute with each other, outside of work i guess. i might talk about why this is another time.) on top of that, we haven't done anything, and part of the reason is because i'm on my period.
when i said this silly nonsense of telling him not to fap, i just expected him to say "lol ok." i hadn't really expected that i was so dead on in my assumptions. and it makes me sad.
we used to argue about this all the time. he tried for awhile to stop, but the truth of the matter is, even if i was with him 24/7 i couldn't please him enough because i simply don't want sex (or anything sexual) as much as he does. for a short time it was ok i guess. he tried his best not to do it, and i remember at even one point he told me that he didn't for the whole week, and that was probably the best accomplishment he made while we were stuck on this issue. but after awhile, it just proved too hard, so i stopped trying. i couldn't make him do something that it seemed he just had to do. neither of us were happy.
when i try to think about it now, well i just try not to think about it. but the truth of the matter is, if i were to completely tell him to stop he would want to do things with me a lot more often. and considering that i already can't keep up with him as is, it's probably a good thing that he does masturbate. i think for the most part i have accepted the way things are.
but then why do i have such moments of stupidity like i did today? if i honestly accepted the situation, maybe i shouldn't be saying dumb things. i guess in the end, i can't help but hope things could be different, but... i'm pretty sure i am already thinking more than what's helpful for me in this situation.