this is not a new years resolution, but just fucking hard goals i must attain
@ 9:20 p.m.
i really didn't want to, and i think i didn't want to because i had none. that is to say, i didn't want to make a new year's resolution. i hate that making new years resolutions is such a common, average thing to do, and why must we decide to do it at the beginning of the new year. if i had my choice around it, if i want to change something about myself it shouldn't be because a fucking new year has arrived, it would be because the timing is right in my fucking life.
anyway, that said and all things aside, i will make a resolution. i wasn't planning on making one, because i had none to make, and i'm not sure that i really wanted to find one to make... but just now i realized that i think i am sick of living life in fear.
by this i mean that i used to be more carefree. i've been traumatized by supposed "ghosts" ever since i saw "the ring". that is to say, i have an intense fear of going to a public restroom by myself for fear that something may happen to me in there during my time alone. the thing is, sometimes i can gather up some courage to go, but it doesn't stop my imagination from running wild and it leaves me fucking scared. i have to purposely distract myself in order to finish what i need to. and through all the countless times that i have made it out of the damn restroom just fine, it doesn't ease my fear any bit for the next time i have to go. and though i try, i know i am just lying when i tell myself i am not relieved that there's other people in the restroom with me (when this is the case). i'm pretty sure that this fear that i built up was all my fucking fault. i was scared of the little girl when i was with eric. i heightened my fears to try to get eric to care about me. as if me being in fear would somehow get him to love me more, love me forever, and never leave me? i'm not sure what i was thinking, but over time, and even after we broke up, shit only got worse, and for about a year or so now i've had this fear. and i'm sure of it: it's all my fault.
i really wanna try to get over this fear. and on top of that i want to live more vicariously. i used to do things with eric all the time in a fucking car, but now i'm scared as hell to do anything for fear of being caught. and i've started to not be that horny teenager, and that bothers me. i used to want to do things with eric all the time. why can't it be like that with c? is it wrong to force something like that with him? i wish i could be like before. so ready to kiss. so ready to please. so ready to want to be pleased. just so ready for anything. now i don't even want to make out in the car if it keeps me from going upstairs to our room. why kiss in the car when u can in the room. but then why does it matter? why kiss in the room, when you can kiss right then in the car? i just feel that i'm not unabashed anymore. and i want to be that way.. (i used to fucking love making out)
so i want to be more like that. i used to enjoy it so much, why can't it be more like that?
and the third and final thing that keeps me back. i can't watch fucking scary movies anymore. when i was younger, about 8 or so i couldn't watch a scary movie called house on haunted hill. but after that, all the scary movies i saw, i was never afraid. i always looked. maybe i hadn't ever seen much scary stuff? but shortly after watching the ring, i started to close my eyes in so many scenes. it started with the grudge, and since then i haven't been able to keep my eyes open for many scary movies... and i would avoid them as much as possible. c loves scary movies, and it hurts me that i can't enjoy it with him.
i. fucking. want. that.
so this just means that i will have to get over my fucking fear of watching scary movies. i think as of late, it hasn't been as bad anyway. i've seen the trailer to that movie the unborn, and i was able to watch every scene without flinching...
i really want to be more than what i am, but i fear that i won't ever try to be more. out of everything, i don't know what i fear most. i'm pretty sick of my apathy, yet i can't do anything about it. but how is it that i can be scared of going to the fucking restroom if i'm so apathetic about everything else?
i must be irrational on some level, that's the only way i can explain it.