eine kleine nachtmusik
@ 7:31 p.m.
i am more than sure that i didn't want pat reading my old diary because there are things that i don't want him to know about me. i know about the fact that he doesn't really know me and there's no point in it because i live too far away for him to really do anything to me. i'm sure he could say a few bad things to c or whatever, and i think i worry that he may actually choose to believe him over me, or at least, i'm pretty sure that he would doubt me for a bit to an extent.
and i'm pretty sure that the bad stuff that i've done is pretty bad that c would be upset about it to some extent. i kinda want to talk about it, what these things are but i think i am too ashamed to say them. i haven't cheated on c, at least i'm pretty sure i haven't done anything that constitute as that. i think i want to open up but i am not quite sure that i am ready.
i started my period yesterday JAN 05, at around maybe 8pm. i suppose this isn't really important to anyone but me. i just thought that i would write this down so i can finally try to figure out what my cycle is so i know when my period starts. so in case i'm late, i would actually know. i mean, it's been 7 or 8 years since my first period and i think it's pretty sad that i don't know my own cycle.
i finally finished that Raintree series i was talking about a few entries ago. i was actually pretty happy with the 3rd author of the series, it didn't quite make me feel like the way linda howard could, but it had it's moments and overall, it was good writing and i think i enjoyed the whole series overall. you know, i kinda wished that i didn't have a huge obsession with the supernatural. i wish that i didn't want it to be all real... because honestly, i wish i was special like that. i honestly don't understand why people would be freaked out if they saw supernatural things, i am pretty sure i would welcome it with open arms, i guess unless it was really creepy looking? i am more than sure that i believe in magic. i just wish i could experience even an ounce of it in my life.
i am also starting to think that i will never experience that feeling i had been talking about previously when i read romance novels. i am currently working on a linda howard novel, and i'm thinking that this will probably be my last in awhile... if maybe forever. i find it sad that i won't be able to enjoy something i so much cared about and enjoyed doing.
i think i wish i had more hobbies. i am pretty sure that i wish that i did. i think a part of me is sick of spending so much of my time on ro. i know c is sick of it because i am wasting my life and my time. i'm pretty sure that there are other things out there that could equally bring me joy, yet i don't pursue those things because they take a lot more work; that i'd be much happier if i just stuck with what i know...
i am pretty sure that my relationship with pat isn't normal. (btw i'm listening to hurt by nine inch nails and it's fucking awesome) i don't mean to imply a relationship, but i don't know if my relationship with pat is a friendship either. i don't know how to describe our relationship without insulting pat by saying what kind of person he is. i am not saying that he is a bad person, i think that is far from what i think of him. if anything i think i take advantage of how he feels about me. i don't want to call myself a gold digger, because to imply that would mean that pat is rich, and that i want to use his money to be filthy fucking rich. in actuality i get some money to pay for fucking school, but i don't want to reveal what the exchange is exactly. (it's probably not as bad as you're imagining)
but i had a fight with him a couple of days ago. i said that i would want to do something with him on ro after i did something with someone else. however, while i was helping this person, c kinda seemed bleh about the fact that i played too much ro and i didn't pay enough attention to him. but i said i would help my friend for a little while, so i told him i could be in bed with him in 15 minutes. he seemed unhappy still and i ended up crying. here i am unhappy about helping someone else, and c didn't seem to particularly care at first. after awhile he told me to stop crying and that i was being silly. after all that ended, i was about to vend items (a good way to make money while you are away doing something else), but then got distracted, by the time i came back to the computer, pat was raging about the fact that i was probably vending and that i had gone to bed. and also said that because i was on my account and vending, he couldn't even use my account to help himself level. i got pretty pissed about the whole thing because i didn't really need any of this shit. i told him that he could use my account, i didn't really care to vend anyway and logged off. i haven't really spoken to him since then to be honest. i'm pretty sure this is the biggest fight we've had. and on the one hand i do feel bad that i didn't keep my word, but god what a fucking fag. i thought about apologizing but i think i am simply too proud to say anything. i'm not sure that his friendship means THAT much to me, which i think says a lot about my character. this is someone that i have been friends with for a bit over a year, and yet i can be a bitch and just ignore him. i know for a fact that it's because i think i am better than him. there have been a few people in my life that i have thought this way about. they are supposedly my friend, but deep down i don't like a certain part of them, and if given the chance i am pretty sure that i would humiliate them just because i want to prove that i am better. i have been trying really hard to stop this aspect of me but it always comes back, so i just try to hold back whenever the possibility comes up that i could say something mean.
fucking. i dont know what i'm really talking about anymore. i'm pretty sure this has been a really shitty entry because i haven't really given enough information for anything. i'm pretty sure that i could make it interesting but i can't be bothered to collect my thoughts together.
oh yeah. i used to be this fucking bitch to c too. i used to think i was better than him. i'm pretty sure that i am not like that with him anymore, though i think sometimes the old feelings come up. but i think for the most part, i am just tired of arguing with him. because he is so GODDAMN FUCKING STUBBORN. omg, i am stubborn but fuck, he will not let you in a fucking millimeter. i can never win an argument against him, so i have learned to shut up.
today c and i was talking about marcos and i came to the conclusion that we are really alike. the only difference is that in our similar mundane life, marcos is happy with where he is. he is content with the fact that his life is average. i notice that my life is average, and yet i cannot muster enough care, enough motivation, enough anything to really give a flying fuck as to do something about it. and i know that i really should... because the fact that i have a mundane life, a lot of the times makes me depressed. the fact that i am mundane, possibly less than mundane makes me feel that i don't belong with the realm of other people, and that's what makes me so damn antisocial. and then i realized that bryan is the same way, except i'm pretty sure that he cares about all of this. he wants to initiate a change in his life, he just lacks the courage. he is goddamn fucking afraid...
and when i think about it, i am not sure who i feel the most sorry for out of all of us, and i am not sure who is the best off here.
marcos who is actually happy with his mundane life. bryan who is unhappy with his mundane life but is too scared to change it. me who is unhappy with my undane life but can't mutter anything to do anything about it.
i'm pretty sure that me listening to sad music has just made me sad now. i might just watch some more old episodes of charmed... and think about my life when i was just a young teenager watching my favorite show, when life seemed easier. and how strange that after the 3rd season, shannon dorthey left and rose mcgwon replaced her, i learned to hate change, as i had learned to hate change in real life. how strange that what i had once know was unfamiliar to me, as if it would predict my goddamn life... from watching a tv show no less.
i really feel like writing again... not in here but stories... but really... inb4 i don't do anything but play ro.