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@ 11:46 a.m.
i completely forget what i had written in my last entry, except that it was about sex i think. there really hasn't been much to do here and for the most part i've been bored and on the computer. i haven't been drinking soda, but i had a little bit of snack food. i've been resorted to eating 1 meal (sometimes 2) a day, waking up fairly early, but sleeping as late as 2am. i am glad i am not at home doing this because i know my mom would have my neck for living in such a pigsty. i've just been plain lazy, i know it. we've gone to marcos's house a few times. he got a new job at some other hotel, so he's been working a lot more.
oh yeah, c finally looked at his grades for last quarter. he was dreading it so he didn't want to look, and i didn't want to remind him, because if it turned out that he did badly in his classes, well he'd go in such a huge depressive mood that i totally don't want to deal with. it'd be like what happened with the physics test times a million more worse. he was worried about his physics class and his english class. for his physics class, he'd done most of the work, he did really well on the first test, then got some 6x%'s for his next to test and he got a 70 or 80% for his last test and he never saw his finals score. (the lowest test score of the first four gets dropped) so he was pretty worried about not passing the class. i'm not sure that he thought he did well on his physics final. anyway he ended up with a B in the class. as for english, i pretty much wrote all his essay assignments. he had 3 total in class essays, and i wrote 4 for him. yeah, maybe i shouldn't be doing his work for him, but honestly, whatever. i don't think the ability to write a fucking essay is gonna change someone's life in a dramatic way. anyway, he ended up with a c in the class. he got A's in his other two classes, so he did pretty well i guess. the best thing is that he won't have to repeat any classes, meaning he won't have to fucking take english again or anymore (that was his last english class).
i am still feeling so goddamn apathetic about things. the fact that christmas passed and that it's a new year or whatever hasn't affected me at all. for one thing, i have no money for presents, so i didn't get anything nor did i give anything. i don't particularly mind this because if i had gotten something, i would've felt bad cause i can't afford to buy anything for someone else. i feel like christmas has lost its glamor and this isn't the first year i have felt like this. it's been a really long time since i have felt excited about christmas, and i wonder if that is partly because of my apathy, and also i wonder if it's because i'm the one that's not celebrating it and therefore that's why christmas isn't exciting. i'm pretty sure that i had more money last year. god, i remember my first year of christmas with c... we went to disneyland and we had money. we rented a hotel. i paid for it and he paid for the tickets. i can't believe that we had money then, both of us. now it feels like $20 is gold these days. i really can't wait for school to be over in that aspect.
on the other hand, what the fuck am i going to do after school is over?? i really haven't thought about this as much as i should've. i know i am still gonna go to school, but i should probably find a better job, but i feel like i am too fucking lazy to look for one. but god, i need to buy some clothes and at least try to impress people for a job.
god, i fucking hate myself, but even while i hate myself, i can't find myself really caring that i do hate myself, which only makes me hate myself more. i'm too lazy to even try to figure out what the fuck it is that i want to say or what i'm thinking. i don't know what i'm thinking these days. i just don't really want to think.
anyway, gonna try to be a little bit more productive today. i've been REALLY fucking worried that i'm going to hurt my back. last year, just a little after new year is when i had hurt my back, so i'm really scared that it'll happen again. so i'm trying to keep a bit busy and be a bit more active so i don't let it happen again. but i've been fucking worried as hell... because if i'm not careful the pain will be hell.
anyway, i'm going to cook! and so i might possibly eat more than one meal a day (today anyway). i know what you're thinking, "cooking is your big exercise?" and yeah, it is, because i haven't been doing jack shit these few days. not even cooking.