the GDC entry
@ 3:12 p.m.
It seems now is the perfect chance to write after being away for so long... while not meaning to. Where did the time go? I guess a part of me shouldn't be too surprised that I am high, but that is also the reason for me writing. It was not my intention to end up getting high this week as I've been more or less easily doing well without it the past two months (I think?) or so. I would like to go and look it up better but alas I know that if I do then I will have involved a lot more time into the matter than I would've actually wanted and it would also distract away from actually accomplishing what I came here to do, which is write on this. Anyway, the point is that it's the perfect time to write because I've got about two or three free hours to myself here in this Motel 6. It's GDC week and now that I'm without a job there was no reason not to stay here for more days with C even though I didn't purchase the ticket with Monday and Tuesday included. I was supposed to have spent this time typing up a letter to one of my pen pals, but the problem is that now that I'm high, my letter has gotten too detailed, way too detailed. It makes what I'm trying to say trail on too long. At least this is how I'd actually be feeling if I was sober, I'm fairly certain. The point is to that I no longer wish to continue the letter given my current state as I may need to rewrite the whole thing again once I read it sober, so I thought I'd instead spend my efforts here. Which is great because it's also nice to have some time to do this every once in a while.
I have thought about diaryland on a few occasions but I think maybe I felt there was nothing that was worth mentioning. Of course, it's quite easy to think everything is interesting and worth a few sentences when I'm high. Any small bit of news feels like a big epiphany, emotionally that is. (Hmm, this is not making sense, let's move on) Recently, I've learned that staying sober isn't as hard as I thought it would be. Not smoking weed was a little a bit hard in the beginning, for maybe five days or so, but then I easily started to forget that I used to smoke. I didn't even think about it. Instead, I found that giving up alcohol was tougher. Or at least it was so in that I thought about it way more. After giving up weed for more than two weeks, I didn't even think about it anymore, but I often found myself thinking how nice it would be if I could have a drink. I can't even say that I was addicted to drinking. For most of my life, prior to the pandemic, I only drank while out dining. And even then, I usually couldn't do more than one drink. When the pandemic started and we started drinking all the time at home... well, I had quite a few drunk nights, but I learned to make cocktails at home and it was our way of quitting the day's work. I guess what I'm saying is that alcohol is addictive after all. After my one year sting, I think it's good that I'm giving it up while I can fairly easily do it. And I suppose when I think about it, being sober is great in its own way. When I was high all the time, there were so many things I couldn't do, or at least made myself not do it as it wasn't a good idea. I couldn't talk to my mom high, or at the very least, I would try really hard to avoid doing that. That was an annoying complication. I sucked while playing ARAM high. I would make so many annoying and stupid mistakes that I know I wouldn't do if I wasn't high. I couldn't watch certain TV shows while high because I wouldn't be able to follow it. On that note, I couldn't watch movies either. It honestly just really complicated easy matters. I no longer have to worry about any of that. Strangely I find that there's something actually comforting in being sober. It's the ability to do whatever I want, and when I want. I guess I didn't realize how much of nothing I was doing while I was high. The point is, it's strangely great to be sober and I quite enjoy it. This must be what people mean when they're turning old. That being said about sobriety, the reason why I decided to get high was because I happen to be in San Francisco this week and once I get back home, I will go back to being sober again. The only reason I ended up getting high was because I realized this will be my last chance to for a while, many years now that I think about it. So yes, that is my reason that I figured I might as well, because it would be considered an appropriate time in my book and that I won't be able to again in quite some time.
I can't believe I am saying this but I may be trying to get pregnant soon. I don't know what more there is for me to say about that. That statement in of itself is pretty stunning for me to be saying as I never really believed that I would want children. I probably never have mentioned this before but I've never liked the idea of pregnancy, nor the giving birth part. It's supposed to be the most natural thing in the world, but for some reason the thought of all that repels me. I don't have anything with procreation or with babies, it's just the bodily change of pregnancy and giving birth itself that not only scares the shit out of me, but I just a repulsion of it. It baffles me considering, isn't human life existent because of our desire to procreate? So why would I not want to feel the glow of pregnancy? For me, I feel like at least having children to raise feels like it should be in my future, I'm willing to endure the pregnancy and giving birth, oh yea and the breastfeeding, how could I forget that?! But anyway, the point is that I'm willing to endure it all to eventually raise a child... or two. But I must admit that typing this all out makes it feel a lot more real than it's been while I've been thinking about this the last few weeks. We may be trying as early as next month. That feels crazy to me. I worry I'm making a mistake, but honestly, I never hear parents say they regret their children. It just seems like it's impossible to make a mistake having children. The only people I hear regretting anything is not having children or not even being able to have children. I really hope it's not just because those that regret having their children is just keeping it to themselves. It's crazy to think that maybe if I don't end up writing in diaryland again for a while, that the next time I do write, my child may be growing... or even alive.
In other news, I quit my job in mid January. If someone had told me that was going to happen a year ago, I don't think I would've believed it at the time. But alas, our line of work had gotten quite unreasonable. It just occurred to me one day that I didn't want to work this hard, and I didn't want to devote this amount of time and energy to something that I shouldn't have cared that much about. It is also this that led me down thinking about having a child because that seems something way better to devote my time and energy to. Going to my job just suddenly one day didn't seem worth it for me anymore. I'm guessing that it was because we were working from home. In the past, working from home was so nice because I hardly did anything. We weren't busy; the pandemic wrecked our economy after all and our line of business mainly existed if other businesses existed. So it was great to slack and hardly do very much. But then the economy started back up and it was just busy everywhere. It was probably the busiest I'd ever been at work, and the worst part of it was that now I worked from home and it was impossible to disconnect. I would end up working 10-12 hours every day. I would work, then smoke and eat, then it would be a bit of gaming, maybe, before I went back to sleep and did it all again. It was usually one meal a day, and I'd probably have something to drink with it. Then on the weekends, when I would have time to do anything productive, I was too lazy to want to do any of it. Plus, it was the weekend, that means that I should have some time off to relax, and of course that means more drugs of choice. Anyway, it just got to be too much, working so much, and working like that all the time. I never wanted to get almost anything done. (I certainly had no motivation to write in here.) It was awful in its own way. The company announced that we would be permanently working from home. I realized then that while it was great to goof around when things weren't very busy, it was absolutely damaging to me that when it got very stressful, I had no way of disconnecting from that. I certainly never did 12 hour days in a row back when we were at the office. My hunger would not have allowed for it. After I worked from home, it was easy to break for food for a little bit, and then get right back in it. On top of that, the nature of the work was stressful. Maybe I just shouldn't have felt so much personal responsibility in cases of possible incurred charges that ultimately wouldn't really be my fault if it happened. But in any cases, I spent too much of my time stressing out over obtaining pick up and empty return appointments. And emailing to ask them to waive the fees, because honestly, it's such a stupid business practice that I even have spend time arguing my case when you know you don't give out enough appointments. Maybe that's because you can't accommodate for how many you have, but if that's the case, you should give us more time to find the appointments. That should be only fair. I was also sick and tired of Lady Sales. She's like a politician, isn't she? I'm thankful that I can be in the position to simply leave my job. It's because of C. And now that he's switched teams this year, he's also so much happier. I think he's actually looking forward to going back to work, physically that is. I'm having a bit of a crisis knowing that he's going to be returning back to work, because what will I do with all this extra time now that he'll be gone? I have gotten a lot of stuff around the house done, but will I be able to continue doing it? We've been talking about cleaning out the garage quite a bit, but will it actually happen? I've also been thinking that my time may be quite limited if I am to continue the mother path. 10 months is no time at all and I've still quite a many things to do. I've been considering doing something of a dopamine detox. I've been thinking that perhaps I've given myself too much instant satisfaction and that that's the reason why I cannot feel motivated to do anything. I've just been too spoiled. Maybe I truly am grateful, maybe that's why I'm feeling this kind of affection for him that I've never been able to before.
But then again, this is another high entry, everything is much more meaningful than it actually is.
Oh yeah, did I mention I'm trying to change my diet? I never thought to say this either, but I'm doing fasting. I'm surprised by how much my life is suddenly changing... maybe it's a sign to have a baby.