past the five year mark
@ 11:42 p.m.
Shortly after my last entry last June, I got a cold. SIL's children got the cold and so did C. Shortly after, I got the cold from C and SIL got it from her children. We all think that someone was sick at Disneyland and that's how it was passed. It was a pretty bad cold but it's not the reason why I bring it up. As with most of my colds, I had cough. Well, the cold lasted about two weeks which sucked but whatever. However, even after all my other symptoms went away, the cough refused to. I was coughing up a lung a few times a week. I bought so much cough medication for so many months. I've done so much research online on lingering coughs that I know pretty much all the possible reasons for a cough. Finally, it became clear that I seemed to have developed an allergy. I figured it out because for Thanksgiving last year, we stayed at a fancy house in Temecula via airbnb. While I did cough the first night, following that, I didn't cough for two days. As soon as I got home again, the coughing came back. I would also cough at work as well and I would cough while driving too. I pretty much coughed everywhere. While this coughing issue has been going on, my doctor said for me to stop smoking weed. I know. Me, stop smoking weed, what a laugh. Well, I had some small successes. There were some periods, somewhere between a week to a month where I would stop but then go back to it. I'm pretty sure my weed habit is gotten out of control. I feel like the equivalent of a "functioning alcoholic." For a little while, I did really good in the sense that I stopped doing the traditional smoking of weed and I started vaping instead. I also took breaks with that as well and maybe for about a month or two, I was doing really well where I was just eating firecrackers only. Of course, that didn't necessarily last. The most recent of it... well, about two weeks ago, I was vaping and then I dropped my fucking pen and it rolled all the way to the back of the stove. It's pretty much impossible for me to get it. I was pretty upset because it was a new cartridge too. I just bought it maybe a week or two ago. Maybe it was a sign that I should stop vaping. That doesn't mean that I listened. I started smoking weed again, every day for about a week and a half. I finally stopped last Saturday I think it was and I've been sober since. I had bought some new weed to make firecrackers with but they didn't turn out very well. I don't know if I picked a bad strain or what but now a part of me just really doesn't want to deal with any of it. Does it mean I will stay sober? It seems unlikely. Anyway, the point is that I'm pretty sure the smoking has not helped my cough at all. After I finally ruled out everything else and realized it was an allergy, I scheduled an appointment with an allergy doctor. We did an allergy test in January. I thought I was going to get answers like, this is the reason for your allergy. Alas, nothing is ever that easy. I was tested for many things and the end result is that I'm a little bit allergic to a bunch of things (many types of tress, grass, pollen, and cats) but only a little bit, and I was not highly allergic to anything. So I still have no idea what I'm allergic to and I have a feeling I may never know. It could very well be the cats, but I really don't know. I wasn't allergic to them for a year, but I suppose that doesn't mean anything. I could have developed it now. Maybe it's cause of the weed? When I think about the fact that I've been smoking nearly every day, often times multiple times in a day, for more than five years now, I have to think that this can't be good for me. There's not enough real data out there to know for sure I guess. I just keep wondering why do I have to cough? I didn't even know that a cough could be allergies prior to this. I have almost no other symptoms. The only symptom I have is the cough, sometimes preceded by a itchy throat. When I am coughing, I'll start to get a runny nose too I guess. No other symptoms though. However, I am absolutely certain that it's an allergy. The only thing that helps with the cough is Zyrtec. The allergy doctor had me try nasal sprays and doing a nasal rinse, and she also gave me some pearl pills (that's what she called them) which is supposed to work kind of like a cough drop except in pill form. She also recommended I get an air filter but nothing works as well as Zyrtec does. She said she was surprised by this, but now I can't remember why. The point is that this cough is not going to go away. About two weeks ago, I decided that I was kind of sick of this shit so I just started taking a pill a day. (I used to only take it on a as needed basis.) Well, I have a follow up appointment with the allergy doctor on Monday so I'll just make sure that it's not a big deal for me to take it every day.
Ben Gibbard did an hourly "show" for two weeks on youtube and facebook and at one of the Q & A sessions he mentioned that he gave up alcohol. If I didn't misunderstand him, I guess he was a bit of an alcoholic. He looks so good compared to how he used to look. I can't believe it, but he almost looks younger. I'm wondering if I should give up alcohol (along with other things) to try to lose weight and look better in general. I'm definitely not an alcoholic. I usually only drink when at a restaurant or if I ever drank at home, it was because I was high and I enjoy the combination of being high and inebriated. However, everything that I drink is all sugar. I drink shit like wine coolers, moscato, pina colada, or some other combination of rum and juice. Nothing but shit calories. And then of course, when I'm high, more than half the time, I can't control myself and eat shit too. Writing all this out, I feel like such shit about what I put in my body.
I spend a lot of time thinking about changing, but do very little actual changing. I don't think spending the time spelling all this out will change anything. A part of me desperately wants to try. However, I can't seem to make it a reality. When I consider giving up alcohol or giving up weed or changing anything else for the better, I end up questioning myself if it would be worth it? Is there technically anything wrong with being a little fat? Is there anything wrong if I really want to continue enjoying weed? It feels like I've given up before I've even started. I also wonder if maybe it's that deep down, I don't really want to change. I'm just too lazy and I don't care enough. The problem is that I'm functioning so is there really a need to change? I guess that's the nonstop debate that's taken over my life now.