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@ 12:52 p.m.
i guess i haven't been able to shake off this feeling. i want to say i'm depressed, but it's not like the depression i used to feel when i was in high school or college. is it possible to have different kinds of depression? i guess it's an overwhelming sadness... or maybe to an extent nothingness. i never thought that having this extra time at work would make things worse. i know you're supposed to keep moving, or keep going, do stuff to keep you busy and your mind off what's bothering you, but i guess it's hard.
i was driving home late night, thinking about all these thoughts. i thought maybe i should make a post on facebook, but when i got home i couldn't do it. i want to try to reach out to people, but i guess a part of me is scared of the reject, but a part of me just don't know how to do it, and i don't know that i want everyone to see it. i don't know what to do about that. i guess the biggest problem for me is that i find it to be so goddamn embarrasing. i wish it was something else. i can't help but feel like if i had some other problem like alcohol or drugs... well maybe not porn addition, maybe shoplifting... some kind of problem like that i could ask of help easier. but then maybe that's just bias. i guess each person feels like their problem is too embarrasing. i might be able to think this but it doesn't stop me from feeling that it's too embarrasing to say.
i spent all night on facebook and then watching youtube videos. luckily i don't usually waste time like this, maybe only a handful of times a year honestly, so i'm not hating myself over that too harshly i guess, but it does still piss me off that i got nearly nothing done. on the other hand, it's not like i had anything huge in mind to do. i just wanted to read or watch TV, not exactly the most important thing to do either. i really want to try to talk to someone, but i don't know who. i guess it's kind of ironic (maybe?) i want a friend so i can talk to them about how i don't have any friends i can talk to... i suppose if i had a friend, this wouldn't be the case anymore though. i don't feel comfortable reaching out to anyone though. there's a few i thought about, but they seem so busy. or i just don't feel comfortable enough to reveal what a loser i am. i really miss charita. i thought about her last night. i can't believe she's now been gone for over a year. she would've turned 27 last month. i want to believe that if she was around still i would've reached out to her, but i am also kind of doubtful of that. this inability to connect to anyone is killing me inside. people always say how great it is to be different, or encourage people to be the 1%, but it sucks here. it sucks not to be a part of something. it sucks to be on the outside looking in. fuck being the 1%. i think i would've been happier if i had been part of the 99%. but instead i'm weird. i'm misogynistic. i'm not like most women, and i hate most women. i get along better with guys. i could easily imagine talking to a few of them... but i really want to be friends with a girl. i guess that stems from the fact that i feel this need to make friends immediately because i need bridesmaids at my wedding or else i'm the loser that doesn't have any. besides that i don't know how i feel about being good friends with a guy. i don't know how comfortable c would be with that.
the problem is that there are no girls i really end up wanting to be friends with. there are so many dating sites out there, because apparently love is hard to find and it's lost on people. however no one seems to have a problem with finding any friends. i guess everyone already has a friend, so they don't need to bother with trying to get more. i tried this one website but i just haven't been successful. i think it's probably because there's not enough people on it for one thing. for another, i haven't felt like i got a really great response from anyone there. i met one of the girls there, and i had been texting another for awhile, but i didn't feel quite a connection with either one of them. it totally feels like a date, just not with a person you plan to date. the point is that i felt like i couldn't step on anyone's toes and be careful what i said. i guess that's the other problem with me. i don't know how to make conversation. i'm also boring and uninteresting which doesn't help conversation either. it's weird but i guess i don't necessary feel comfortable around people, but yet i'm still dying to connect to someone inside.
what happened to me? i swear i used to be interesting... interesting enough anyway.
i think all i really want is a girlfriend to watch TV with me. maybe smoke weed... oh and maybe play league of legends with me. but i guess everyone already has a bff and they don't have room for me. i wish i could post somewhere... like an advertisement... looking for a bff. someone to watch tv and movies with, and maybe chat sometimes. no shopping and interest in video games a plus.
at least there's this. but one day even diaryland will be gone and then what.