c's depression.. and etc
@ 12:13 p.m.
it's sad to say but i think i'm only writing in here because i remembered diaryland today. everything is about the same old same old. i think it was last friday, my mom called me and i discovered that maybe i can relate to her on some things. such as the fact that my mom's family (her brothers) seem to think that everythign should be shared between that family. whereas my dad believes that it's more or less only for the immediate family. so it seems that my brother has been angry and gotten mad at my mom for not giving her brothers more, when they get only so much or so on. while my dad is constantly angry that my mom already gives too much. sometimes, i feel this battle between my family and c. sometimes i'm not sure who's side to take and how to appease both sides. i guess in talking about this, i hope some issues have been smoothed over. my mom says that she'll try to be more understanding about it in the future. this would be a nice change of pace if it happens. lets see though.
yesterday c was bummed out. i feel like c's despression is still constantly there and it never leaves. sometimes he gets distracted and he forgets but he's still depressed. i guess it's especially worse for him now because he feels overwhelmed that he has to do so much work. as my brother is soon moving in with me, i now have to work to clean downstairs to get it ready because there's still just too much stuff downstairs that needs to be sorted through. i asked him to go through one of the drawers for this small table, and he sighed and got all depressed at me. i'm reminded me of this episode of south park where stan gets really depressed and kyle says, "it's being around this black hole that sucks the life out of everything" or something like that. i'm kind of reminded of that sometimes. i get frustarted because i don't know how to make him feel better. and i realized for the first time that i DON'T understand depression. i don't know how he can be so constantly depressed like that. i don't see what he has to be depressed about. maybe it's because i'm so apathetic, i don't know, but a part of me feels like yelling at him, "cheer up already, you have a great life, look at those children in african starving and get over yourself." obviously that doesn't really work... but sometimes i wonder if maybe people were forced into such harsher or drastic living conditions that maybe it would cure depression. i feel like depression is in everyone and brought out when you have too much time on your hands with nowhere to spend that energy. i was so frustrated with him last night, first by the fact that even such a small task as cleaning out a 6 x 6 x 6 in worth of space could be so frustrating to him, and then by the fact that he whines he has too much work he needs to do, and then he goes and plays lol instead. on top of it all, at the end of the games he feels even worse because he performed badly in the games he played. if that wasn't bad enough, i felt so ignored last night, as he did nothing but play hours and hours of lol, and when he finally noticed i was downstairs (i think he was really cause he got hungry cause he went to find some food), he still didn't notice me, he was just sighing over how badly he played at lol and how depressed he was that he couldn't play better. god, when i think about it, the whole thing pisses me off. such petty problems, and he can't muster up the energy to help me at all with one little thing that i ask. but then i guess i realized this must be part of the depression that i don't understand. he just doesn't want to do anything and i can vaguely remember how that felt. it frustrates me that i don't have any answers for him. when he mentioned suicide last night, i didn't have any comforting words for him. i couldn't think of anything new to say. all i could think of was that why? what's there to be depressed about? the only thing i can think is that he just needs to do one more year of school, and hopefully he'll have better luck with a job. or if that's not enough, he can at least pay for a therapist. plus, if he had a job, we could also go on vacations more. i don't know what i can do for him anymore.
so my brother is coming to live with us next month, as i previously said. there's pros and cons to both of this. on the pro side, there's the fact that he'll be living with me, which means that i can look over him better, and plus on the positive side of that, this is his chance to really be independent, which i feel that he really needs. on top of that, i feel like i will be less lonely, and hopefully i can play games or do something with him sometimes. i feel like no one is around here sometimes and i feel almost invisible, but that should change with him around. it also means one more person to help around the house, because i know my brother that he would listen to me when i tell him to do things, and i think it would help him anyway as a part of learning to be indepedent. plus, who wants to end up like god awful shin. his room is a fucking ridiculous mess. there's clothes all over the floor. i literally cannot see the carpet anymore. he also has a bunch of boxes or some stuff he bought that's in disarray as well. i don't say anything, so as long as he keeps other areas clean i don't mind. but anyway, i guess i'll have him to help me clean after shin... cause i know he doesn't want to be compared to shin, so he'll do work. plus, i feel like he's still a punk kid, since he'll be living with me, this will be my chance to fix his personality a bit so that he's more of an adult, and act like a bratty child less often. the cons of it is the lack of privacy possibly. i'm not saying that me and c have tons of sex all the fucking time or whatever, but just saying that now that's another person that we have to make sure that he's clear of us when we are. besides that, i don't care much about the privacy thing. i know he will be out a lot as well, so hopefully that will help. the other thing is pot. i haven't discussed this at all with him, so i have no idea what his feelings are about pot, so i have no idea how that's going to happen. i haven't decided what i'm going to do yet about that subject. the only other con is that sometimes i know my brother has a tendency to rub people off in a bad way. in particular is our friend marcos, who he has a bit of a crush on and displays it and makes me feel awkward. i don't know about marcos, but i know c does too... well i know marcos can only stand so much of his attention. he does tend to tag along a bit with my friends at times too. i guess that'll be something that i will discuss with him. like i said, hopefully i'll be able to shape him more into an adult, so that he's more liked and he would be a nuisance. i really want this to work out. i know he's been facing super bad traffic living at home and driving like 3 or more hours every day. i also feel like he has much more developing and growing to do and this could be his chance to do it. i am also hoping, though i am reserved about it, that perhaps we could get closer. as my dad is a general piece of shit, and my mom is overbearing, my brother is all i have left.
speaking of my dad, i spoke with my mom about that, and it sounds like she's going to give him some money so that he can go back overseas. i guess my dad is not doing so well here anyway. he has no job and no sense of self, and he still doesn't want to come home. he still wants to pursue other women, but he has no job so he's not really doing a great job at that. i guess it must be some sort of mid life crisis. i doubt this will affect me very much as he's never really been around anyway.
oh, and the piano did not end up working out. i called that guy back on sunday to say i wanted to go look at it. no reply. i text again. no reply. i call him. no reply. it's now wednesday and i haven't heard from him, so either he's sold it to someone else or decided not to sell, or maybe god forbid something bad happened to him. but either way, i'm not gonna be getting a piano from him, so i've given up on that. i found another, even better digial piano for the same price, and this guy lives closer, but unfortunately, he doesn't want to reply to my email. so i've just been looking on craigslist everyday to see if any new listings are out. i know exactly what i want, either a casio CDP 120 or casio PX 130. if i have to buy a new one, i'll buy the PX130, cause it's better. I'll keep checking craigslist and i'll hold off on buying the piano for now. at least until next month. I would rather wait til my brother moved in and my mom doesn't see that i have a piano set up, lest i'd have to answer questions to her. plus, i have to buy 2 iphones this month, so maybe buying next month would be smarter. especially since it'll probably cost around $600 to get the piano, the stand and everything else, which is twice as much as I had originally anticipated spending.
oh and i've decided to start signing on skype again, and so far i haven't heard from chris. i'm sure he'll eventually get on and we might talk, but at least i'm firm on the fact that i don't plan to meet up with him. i am too smart for that. that's all for now i guess.