rant about my mom
@ 3:09 p.m.
wow I haven't been here in awhile. I've been meaning to write this whole week... and I probably had been thinking of writing in the previous weeks too, but it never happened. a lot of stuff has been going on... i guess i was distracted for awhile because i kept playing flash games while at work. Finally I decided there could be better ways to spend my free time from work, so here I am finding some time to write in here.
i guess when i think about it, most of it is a lot of the same old, but there is one thing new that's been going on that i really want to get to.
me and c are doing about the same as before. we had a fight a couple nights ago that i don't really want to get into. i don't know what i was thinking or feeling that night, but i'm pretty sure it was my bad... and he got ticked off and left. he didn't come home until past 5am or so. i was slightly worried... i really hope that never happens again. in terms of what i'm contributing to the relationship to fix this, i realized that i need to give c more space, and i'm being unreasonable a lot because i keep thinking that he should be able to read my mind. it's hard for me to get out of that, but there it is. i've also decided to stop letting my emotions get the best of me, and that means being pissed a lot less. i'm so quick to get upset... over things that are essentially nothing.. and if i want something, i have to learn to ask for it. so i'm just trying to give myself some me time and do things i want to do, and stop focusing so much that we aren't doing anything. hopefully this smooths things over. i know it's gonna be tough cause i've never been great at controlling my emotions. they get me in trouble a lot...
besides that... well, we went to las vegas this week, my family and c. it was so fucking hot that i was so glad when i got back home. i didn't realize this but apparently it's fucking hot too at my parent's old place. i live so close to the ocean that we get a lot of breeze.. it's probably as cool as it's going to get. it's actually been kind of a hot summer actually. i can't wait for this heat to go away. anyway, enough about the heat. i had a great time at las vegas, the only disappointing thing was that we had to go so soon. we got there on friday at around 9pm, and we left on sunday around 10am. so we only really spent saturday there. me and c saw a show while there. it was so worth it! a great show for only about $50. i did gamble a bit, and i lost about $20 in total. I rode that rollercoaster at ny ny.. i thought it was really shitty cause my head hurt so much cause i got whiplash, if it wasn't for that it would've been a great ride.
anyway, besides that, there's this thing that's been going on with my mom. i forget now if i had talked about it before, but about 2 years ago, my mom caught my dad talking to women online. he was flirting with them and would often lie and say that he wasn't married. my mom was pissed and told him to stop it. he would stop... for a time, and then secretly start doing it again, and she would catch on... this kinda went on for a little while. around last year i suppose, my mom pretty much said that if he doesn't stop, she would divorce him. he promised her that he wouldn't do it anymore... so things went back to normal for a little while.... (btw, this entire time my dad doesn't see anything wrong with what he's doing) well, a few months ago, my mom said my dad was talking about. he was being sneaky about it... he would delete conversations, but my mom still managed to see some of it... and i guess my dad has worsened... my mom thinks that my dad is saving up money to buy things for these women. the proof is that my dad complains he never has any money, and he never complained about this ever before in the entire 25+ years of marriage. there's also the fact a few months ago, my dad was quick to want to buy a new camera even though he has one that's already pretty new and he rarely uses it.. (also my dad love saving money btw, so he's not a big spender at all) so that was weird... and she caught bits of conversation about my dad saying "i can help you" or "i don't have much, but i can give you some" (hinting at money).
btw, i was pissed when i found this out this week, but apparently my dad wanted to come home so early on sunday from vegas was because he wanted to meet up with someone. my mom doesn't know who because my dad made up an excuse that he really wanted to go do something (something he usually does-- although this is suspcious because usually he doesn't do it until the last minute or if he absolutely has to... so now all of a sudden he REALLY wants to do it?), well she found out that he didn't go do that thing... what he actually did? my mom doesn't know, but he was gone for about 3 or 4 hours. that really pissed me off that my dad could be so selfish like that. i don't know what he was up to but it wasn't anything good.
my mom also questioned him about money and his answer kept changing from "yes, i have a couple hundred dollars saved up" to "no i don't have any spare cash at all" depending on what my mom was asking him. the bottom line is, he's a fucking liar, and doing something that's not up to anything good. so i'm all for my mom divorcing him... especially since she has been sounding very unhappy...
however, my mom stated to me at some point this week that if she does indeed go through a divorce, she'll need my help, my support, my time, and not just through the divorce process, but she'll want me nearby when she grows older so she won't be lonely. i could literally hear the scratch record in the background. NO. NO. i guess this is pretty selfish of me, but i really don't want to deal with my mom every day. i can help her to a degree with the divorce by giving her my time and support and whatnot, but i could not and would not want to see her every day. it would be a nuisance to talk to her so much during her divorce... IT ALREADY IS A NUISANCE to talk to her right now everyday. i've called her every day this week and i'm sure i'm going to have to call her today and tomorrow.. (oh and she tried to call me earlier today, and just now i'm pretty sure she tried to call me at my work line too). my mom is just so hard to deal with sometimes. i think it's because she's still too traditional for me to deal with.
for example, during vegas, on saturday, my mom called me at around 2pm asking where i was, and when i told her that i was on the strip (a bit further away from the hotel), she got all pissed at me, saying why didn't i call her? i couldn't understand her at all. if she wanted to talk to me, she could've called me sooner. when i told her this, she got even more pissed at me and i guess she hung up the call. later at dinner, she pulls me aside and says that since i'm the child, i'm supposed to be the one calling and checking in with her. (fuck i didn't know i was still 16) i guess maybe it must be some traditional asian thing that i didn't get. she then says to me, "you wouldn't expect your manager to call you, would you? no, you would call them" then i said to her nicely that, well it's not my fault that you never taught me anything like that. but fine, now i know and for future reference i will call you. i thought that was done, but then sometime this week, she brought it up again, saying something like, no i still don't think that it's right that you don't know to call me, this isn't something that needs to be learned, you should just know. fuck her. i was so pissed off but i knew i had to refrain from saying anything because then it would've turned into something really ugly. god and she does that shit all the time. she's so hypocritical. she'll say "i'm open to talking and suggestions and different point of views" but she's fucking not. she's only open to her point of view and when i don't agree with her, she brings it up over and over again about how i was wrong.
in another example, sometime this week she brought up to me again something that happened a few months ago. we were at a restaurant together, me, my brother, my dad and her. and she said something along the lines that a women's role in the family is to provide a motherly type role and generally stay home. a man's role is to go out and work and to support for the family. and i said to her, well that's not true, a lot of women now work and provide for the family and i wouldn't mind working to provide for the family. so she told me this week, that when she heard me say that comment she got so mad at me, but she couldn't say anything at that time, and then she decided to let me have it. she said that my comment was confusing my brother because my mom has been teaching my brother forever now that since he's male he needs to get a great job and etc so that he can support his family. god, when i heard this i just wanted to yell at her. YOUR SON IS FUCKING GAY, WHO KNOWS IF HE'LL EVEN HAVE KIDS OR IF HE'LL FIND A MAN TO SUPPORT HIM?! but of course i didn't say that. it's not my secret to tell and that would open up something bad. and then she goes on that my comment also confirmed to my dad that yes my mom working is great and that my dad doesn't need to necessarily work (because my dad has been on unemployment for the past year or so, so they've been living off of my mom's income), and so this makes my mom look like the bad guy (between them), that she's being unreasonable. there was so much i wanted to say about this too. like the fact that i was only arguing that women can provide too (which she fucking does!), and that my dad is a fucking piece of shit for not working in the first place and mooching off my mom. my dad wants to retire already! he's not even 52 yet and he wants to fucking retire. ha! it wouldn't matter what i said. dad is dad, and you fucking married him. but of course, i didn't say any of that. that would've all been quite hurtful, but she pisses me off because she says hurtful things to me all the fucking time. i think she just expects me to understand her point of views all the time, and that when i don't, she just can't understand it and ends up jumping my throat for not understanding... or for not agreeing. because it's not that i didn't understand her meaning behind her words. i do. i get what she's trying to do. she wants me to have a better life where i don't have to work and that i could find a male to support me financially so that i don't have to work, so that i can live a more relaxing life. she's always looking for ways to improve my standard of living. i think what she doesn't understand is that i'm okay working, and that maybe these fights and these supposed sacrifices that she's asking me to take in order to have this better life for me, isn't worth it. i don't need her to these things for me, and i don't mind having a tougher life. and how tough could my life possibly be? i'm not fucking destitute or poor. i have a steady job. i have great credit and i have no loans. i don't even fucking live at home. i'm doing a lot better than a lot of other people. but for my mom, it's always about what could be better always looking for ways for it to be better. i don't understand why she can't just accept that i'm happy with where i'm at... she really frustrates me sometimes. and she's so judgemental...
well, i better go for now. i guess this ranting made me feel a little better, but i haven't even begun to say all i want to say about the ways my mom piss me off. i keep bottling it in cause i don't think she could ever understand me. else if i said something i can't take back, i'm scared that it'll create a rift between us. i think my mom thinks i'm cold or cruel to her, and maybe in a sense i am, but right now i'm being pretty damn kind by not snapping her head off for all the ways she's pissed me off. but i'm sure if she knew i was having this thought, she would say that i'm being an ungrateful child. in her custom, a child would never have such awful thoughts about their parent. but i guess isn't there a reason why there's different cultures? but i don't think she'll ever admit that her cultures the one at fault, at least not about this issue. i would feel so guilty if something were to happen between us, but god she's so hard to deal with.