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@ 12:48 p.m.
i often have dreams that some guy hits on me and is really into me, but in the back of my head, there's c. what do i do about him? i really want to date this new guy, but i really want to stay with c. so i get all torn up about it inside. but of course, usually nothing really happens in this dream. if anything, all i feel is that what am i going to do? who am i going to decide type of feelings. and then i usually wake up by then.
i had one of those dreams last night. i was thinking of c, but there was this guy that was insanely into me, seemed really devoted, and was trying for a way to sway me to date him. i think i really wanted to, but i felt guilty. i think i was even thinking about breaking up with c, but then i couldn't do that because i promised i wouldn't leave him and i didn't want to hurt him like that. i remember thinking in my head that i'd rather cheat on him than break up with him. how awful!
well, when i woke up i thought about this dream and the other dreams i've had, and i think they stem from the desire that i used to have of dating even more attractive and even more intelligent, better, etc than c. if i have to admit it honestly, for a long while i didn't think that c was the best that i could have. i did think that i could do better (although i was just too lazy to look, etc.), and maybe that was why i was having those dreams about finding someone better. but lately, i find that i don't think i could be happier than i am. i think that c was that guy i was looking for after all. i thought about matt this morning... i think about a year or two ago when i was thinking about matt, he used to be that guy that i thought what if i had asked him out and i was dating him instead of c. god, for sure if i had been dating matt and things were smooth/good between us, i would've never considered breaking things off with him to give c a try.
but i don't think about stuff like that anymore, and i don't think even really think about jeff anymore. god, last year when i wrote him that email, saying i was lost and hoping he was still in love with me, even though it wouldn't have proven anything, i don't know what i would've done if he said he would take me back. now just a year later, i'm finally over him. i don't know if it's the end of longing for him forever, but i have finally in my mind accepted that i will never be with jeff again, and do not plan to, do not care to, do not want to be with him, at least definitely not while i'm with c. and i can honestly say with some pride that i would chose c over jeff if by some miracle he now wanted me.
on another note, another reason why i'm so stoked about life and so happy about this is my story. i keep bringing it up, but i'm just honestly so happy. i'm getting really excited! i told c about the story. i wanted his opinion on a few things, and i ended up telling him most of the plot of the story. at one point he said to me, "don't get mad at me okay?" as if he was bracing me of his really bad news... like he wanted to tell me the story sucked. and then he says, "everyone's gonna wanna read your story." i was confused so i asked, "as in twilight?" (basically, we hate twilight, but we recognize that a lot of people read it... but that doesn't mean that the story is good, or that the writing is any good), but then he said no he was joking about not getting mad and that he thinks the story really would be good. i think it's just him being him, but i guess i can hope that it really would be good, besides i think my plot is pretty interesting :)