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@ 4:43 p.m.
i think i've finally come to the realization yesterday that my time stuck in limbo is over. and i only mean this in the sense of me and c. for forever now i've had to be the one supporting us, and meanwhile, i had to be worried about the money, and worried about the future. i had to deal with the fact that c never seemed willing to settle for a less than mediocre job, and thereby not earning any money all those times. i had to worry constantly that what if i'm stuck with someone who's too proud to ever settle for a crappy job, no matter how badly we were barely scrapping by. i used to constant worry about this a lot, because even though i did believe in c, that he could do thigns, he could be what he wanted, he could be great, i couldn't help but have my doubts, especially since he definitely had his. and well, he was stuck in community college for 4 years, so that's bound to have anyone worried if he'll ever get anywhere. and try as i may to convince myself now, i realized him making it to usc has changed everything. for the better. i didn't realize how much going to usc would actually matter, but it does so much. and now that he got to go to his dream school, he absolutely loves it, and because he does he's so much more confident than i've ever seen him. i asked him about it yesterday if things were bad if he would ever be willing to set aside his pride and just work anywhere, but he said to me that he couldn't even imagine that happening. he knew, and he believed he was going to be somebody and make something of himself. so how could i not believe that too? and honestly, i believe that if we were on the down and outs, c would find a way to help us get through it. the truth of it is, you don't turn your life around by having a job waitressing. and i wouldn't mind doing menial jobs like waitressing if it meant supporting him while he was getting us something better. i guess that's what it's been all about these years. i had to constantly wonder if all my self sacrifice would be worth it. it's terrible not believing in c, yet it was just as bad to lie to myself and not be realistic-- that c may not come through. but finally i have the answer that i needed. we're going to be just fine, and i'm not at all worried about us financially in the future. i believe in him more than ever. he's only going to be so much better than i ever dreamt he could be. all these years were not in vain.
on a side note, c got grants to pay for about 70-80% of his tuition at usc this year. he basically has to take out about $4,500 in loans to pay for the rest of it. it's really not bad all things considered. i'll definitely start saving up money. who knows what i'll need it for. as of now, i don't plan to pay off c's school loans or anything (though believe me, it's crazy how much i really want to pay off his loans, but there's really no point since the government is even paying for the interest right now, so there's nothing to lose by not paying it off right away), but i guess i can't help it because it's always been in my nature to pay off my loans as fast as i can, especially if i have the money for it. well,
i'm sure everything will be fine. i can't believe how awesome it can feel to be financially stable. believe me, i remember those unsure days as i was barely making my own tuition fees about a year ago. god, i really didn't enjoy scraping money to get by. i really don't want to live that kind of life. even though c is still technically poor, i have no doubt of my "investment" in him now. i may be the one rich right now, but someday very soon, he'll make twice or three times as i do (if not more). i'm sure of it.