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@ 4:43 p.m.
you know what i'm really sick and tired of hearing about? people who haven't grown up yet and are in that transition stage between definitely not a kid anymore and no way are they an adult yet. you know, those broody kids (in particular girls) that hate everything, and hate their parens and desperately want to be cool. i've always hated them, and i know i had a certain phase where i was like that, but i'd like to think i wasn't that bad. worst of all are the drama queens -- and honestly i'm not talking about the drama queens, i'm talking about attention starved whores who really want to be drama queens but can't so they QQ and cut themselves and want to die. and i totally realize what that says about myself because i'm the loser that thought i wanted that kind of attention so i told myself i would enjoy cutting and would appreciate having that attention. good thing i was a fucking pussy who couldn't even cut correctly, they were stupid little scars, not any real cuts that did any major damage, not any damage that a natural cut wouldn't have left anyway. i think this is why i have always hated people who cut, and other whiney bitches that want attention. (even though i'm one of them) but what i hate the most are people who seem to be or claim to be suicidal, and then i hate the people who give attention to these people. like it's their jobs to convince them that they're so important, and that life is precious, don't talk suicide, you're a good person deserving to live, etcetc. i think i hate it because it's so much bullshit. these whiney brats talking about not wanting life doesn't dserve life. believe me, life won't miss these people if they were gone. i hate to sounds so much like a terrible person, but i can't help it (and i never claimed to be good). it just pisses me off when people buy into these other people who want nothing but their attention. i can just imagine how many people have claimed to be suicidal, and yet not done anything. oh yea, me. and honestly, it's not like any of the people that told me i was wroth a damn was the reason. it just makes me sick that people think they are being USEFUL by telling someone else they deserve to live. and what have you got that makes you any more wrothy of deciding someone else's worth than me or anyone else? i am sure i'm looking at this too harshly - that people say those things to cheer another up, but honestly i just can't help but think that those people don't deserve cheering up. and if you think for a second that while i was suicidial someone made a differece to me when they told me i had good qualities and should look forward to other finer things in life, that those words saved me, you couldn't be more wrong. and don't think that by making this entry, i'm saying everyone should be suicidal and killing themselves, that's missing my point entirely. i'm just sick of the whiney brats who claim they want to kill themselves because of the small ass drama in their life, as well as the people who cater to these needy people as if they're important. get over yourself.
you know what else is utter bullshit? THERAPY. as someone who has been depressed and went to therapy, i honestly believe it doesn't do a fucking thing. and i'm sorry for all the people who think that they could get some happiness somewhere if they had therapy, because it's so not true. i felt like all theraphy did for me was encourage me to be someone i'm not. i didn't end up any happier for it. all of it felt so forced. and the person that i did open up to, who i guess i had a semi consultation with, didn't even end up as my therapist. honestly, i don't think therapists really care. god i'm so cynical, but i can't help it. i hate the way humans behave. and you know, i'm not even suicidial - as crazy as it sounds, it's almost like i found this balance between myself and life. i don't bother it, and it doesn't bother me. i think i'm the craziest suicidial i know- because i don't care about life, don't really want life, but i am not suicidal at all. no i won't be trying to kill myself any time soon, that's for sure. and you sholdn't be either, but if you are thinking about it, fuck you if you think i really care that much about you to try to convince you of why you should live. even if i could find a good reason for it, you wuoldn't deserve it. life doesn't have time for pussys like you.
oh yea, and this is officially the 4th entry in a row i've posted at work. so yea things have definitely been lax around here.
and astor (from dexter) is a total bitch who is in that stage i'm talking about. a fucking barely teenager who is trying too hard to be cool. and on a side note about dexter, something that really bothers me now is how dexter seems to be planning his kill based on when his victims might attack their next victims. he is not in a hurry to go after this one guy because he knows that he's not going to kill another person just yet. and i find it very hard to believe that he would care about something like that. i don't really remembering him caring about it in the prior seasons, nor do i remember him paying attention to it. and as a killer himself, i find it very hard to believe that he cares that much that his victim is killing other people. it's almost turned dexter into this semi-vigiliante. and i have to say that i really don't care for this attitude. that is not who dexter is. that is not who they portrayed dexter to be, so the fact that he seems to care all of a sudden now, i really don't buy it. and besides he's a fucking killer. he enjoys killing. he's doesn't really care about stopping bad people, he only kills bad people because it's better than killing good people and he has urges that he can't control. am i really supposed to believe he cares about certain victims now? certain innocent people??
can't wait for my books to arrive!!
unforunately i've been totally slacking with the whole gym thing :(