the first of probably not so many updates
@ 2:57 p.m.
I haven't written at work in forever, but lately it's been insanely slow. i think ever since like last thursday, i'd be able to finish my work early. i think last friday i finished my work by 10 or 11am. now that was crazy. today is pretty much the same. i guess i always leave a little bit of work that i could do here and there, but mostly it's been really slow. i can't remember the last time i had extra time at work, that i got to write on diaryland. well, i had so much time this morning, that i even had time to look at my old diary.
the one that i haven't written in forever to, my old diary that i had written in for about 5 years. when i look at the stuff i write, i feel like a lot of it is so trivial. and i feel like i honestly didn't document my feelings, thoughts, situations more effectively nor did i do it with enough detail. like one question that's always bugged me was what the heck happened between jeff and i during some of those years? sometimes i think that the only explanation that there could be there is because that's how fickle my feelings were, that one minute i'd want to get back with him, and the next i'd totally forgotten about him. it wouldn't really surprise me if that's how it went down, but that's such a shame, because sometimes i can't seem to come up with a reason, much less a good reason, as to why things ended up the way they did between jeff and i. it's like this crazy mystery that i can't figure out and never will be able to figure out.
and then that brings me to the now when i look at my past few entries on here that i can't help but think that everything i write doesn't add up to much of anything. the main reason for this is because i don't write often enough. if i could write everyday i could see development and progress in my thoughts, but writing some here and there doesn't mean shit. i wish that could mean that i would bring myself to write everyday but i don't think it will happen. i hate to say it, but diaryland's community just isn't want it used to be, and that actually is a huge factor in whether i want to write or not.
that said aside, i'll try to write what's been going on through my head lately and what's going on in my life.
first off, from looking past the my old diary, i can't help but feel like i'm a completely different person than who i used to be. i read some of the stuff i wrote about high school and my high school life in general, and even though some of it were some really awesome, really great times, i can't help but think about how a lot of it seem so trivial now. like did the way i acted, the way i was in high school really affect who i am today? i don't really think so. and even though at the time i was so really into the drama filled world i was in, when i look back on it now, ALL of it seems so petty. why else can't i remember anything life changing about it? I mean, sure there was when nancy and i stopped being friends, but besides that, it's not like i went around looking for drama, so the little drama that there was, that i could so easily immerse myself into, wasn't really that big, now that i am able to take a step back and really look at it.
but i suppose in a way, the drama is what makes life interesting and worth writing about. i can't help but think at the moment that if there were some people in my life that i had drama with, i'd feel less apathetic about everything. i can't help but think that if there were drama in life, life would mean something. i swear that this rut i've dug myself so deep into is an abyss that now consumes me. sometimes i really don't know what to do with my life, i just think that there must be some thing more exciting to life than being by myself all the fucking time. i wish i had friends to do something with. i dont know why making friends has always been so hard for me, nor do i know why keeping friends is even harder.
you know i think the fact that i'm very apthetic shows in all the entries i write. just thinking about the things i'll be writing already makes me feel like i don't even care what i'm going to be writing, but i feel like i should write it to capture every single bit of it, even if it means nothing to me, it's something that happened to me.
okay, i've been really into ro again. part of it is because c started playing with me. well, he's paid for his account, and goes on every now and then, but honestly, what am i still doing on ragnarok? ever since that turtle event ended, ro has been boring as hell. the guild doesn't really do anything with me. when i go on i'm bored out of my mind. even c doesn't really do anything with me. yet, i'm able to blow $400+ on the game so that i can gain some in game money to buy stuff. god, i sometimes feel so retarded, spending so much real money to play this game that i don't even feel like i'm really a part of or enjoying. i mean, i used to think that if i was enjoying the game, then whatever, we all spend lots of money on lots of things that eventually have no meaning to us, but at the time we enjoyed it and that's all that matters. but really, this month has been crazy. $400+ is extremely excessive. i really gotta control this.
i'm a little big disappointed in myself because i haven't been dieting now. i've been stuck at 143~150lb for like the last 4 or 5 months. pretty much since february. i know it's because i'm losing self control. i haven't been going to the gym every day, and i'm starting to over eat sometimes. i really need to get my act together, but why is it so goddamn hard? i swear that it didn't used to be this hard for me before.
a disappointment on my mind lately is that i haven't been DDRing at all. i haven't been able to pass can't stop falling in love after that first time i did, now i keep failing near the end of that song. i would like to start ddring again, but it's another one of those things i seems to find excuse not to do.
oh yea, we started to playing dungeons and dragons, which is a game i really don't for at all. the role playing aspect is boring, and the turns take forever to happen. i honestly want to quit at it, if it wasn't for the fact that c is still kind of into it, and also that there's a few other people who's doing it, and i'd feel like i'm letting a bunch of people down. i mean, in a way i wouldn't really care, but i know c does, so i guess i go for him that's all.
so my room has been a fucking mess pretty much since high school. the junk around my room just keeps building and builing, and up until now, it never really occured to me that i could buy storage boxes and store all my crap that i want in there, so i'm going to do that. even though i know i really suck at it, this time i will do it. by this time i mean tonight. i also bought a new book shelf (from wal mart looool), because i realized i don't need this desk in my room etc etc, i just need this fking book case, and it would clear up so much space around my room. one thing i am truly jealous of about marcos is that his room is so goddamn clean. i mean i know it's because his mom cleans it, but it's also easy to clean because he really doesn't have anything in his room, and that's how it needs to be in my room from now on.
c bought me stargazer lilies 2 weekends ago. i was so surprised, for one thing, he's goddamn poor, which is another worry altogether because he's starting usc (how will he pay for school??) and there's the other thing with desperately wanting to move out, but it seems like it would be a lot of responsibility at my end because i'm the one with the steady job, if worse comes to it, i'm going to be the one saving up so we can pay rent and buy groceries, but anyway that went off topic really fast. the thing is i wasn't expecting flowers with the way c has been doing financially. but this is the first time c has bough me stargazer lilies, and they were sooo pretty. they only lasted about a week and a half, and after that they started dying. actually i was really happy with the flowers and such at first, but when i cam home to see them do dead this weekend, it just made me feel dead inside. it reminds me so much of life. i mean besides the obvious that everything dies, it reminded me so much that nothing ever last forever. nothing pretty, beautiful, wonderful ever lasts forever. and by that i mean, nothing you want to have last forever ever lasts forever. they all sadly come to an end, and just seeing that on my poor beautiful precious gift that i cherished so much -- and knowing that no matter what i did, the outcome would've been the same -- made me depressed. i don't know how people do it. maybe other people get flowers all the time that they think it's no big deal? but for me, from the very moment i got those flowers, despite how beautiful i knew they were, i also knew what it would mean by the end of it.
i still semi feel motivated to write my story. i stopped at like 8 pages before (god that seems so little in the scheme of things), and i've had no motivation to write it, mostly because i want it to be perfect the first time around, but after talking (writing actallly) it over with a pen pal, i realized i should really just do this for myself, sure i'd really love to have it published, but if i keep on that route, i'll never even write down my story. and as good as an idea is, it's really nothing said aloud. it needs to be written out and done. so i'll be trying again to write my story. i just wish i knew more encouraging people who could help me out on this.
lately i have been on netflix a whole shit-ton. i mean, i used to be on it before a lot, but now i feel like i'm pushing most of my spare time into watching stuff on netflix. the shitty thing is i can't find that many good stuff to watch. i never even bother watching movies anymore actually, i spend most of my time watching tv shows. like for awhile i was watching lost (i got up to season 4 real fast before it seemed to get kinda old to me), and i loved watching law and order:svu (i was up to season 4 on this). i'm pretty much done with south park now. c likes to watch american dad so i watch that with him. i dunno, when i browse through netflix's selection, i can't help but wonder if it's just our tv shows have become more and more shit, or if netflix's selection is shit, but i find that hard to believe because they are putting so much stuff on the instant watch. well, now i started watching nip/tuck. i actually started on this series awhile ago, but i never got passed the first episode (i forget why), but last night i finally did, and it actually seems like an interesting series. honestly though i have a bad tendency to watch something nonstopped and then it gets boring and old to me, and i think i nitpick on a lot of the show that it gets boring to me. the other reason i seem to refuse finish watching a show is because i don't want to accept that it's over. i watched charmed up through the 8th (final) season, and then about 10 episodes through that season, i decided to stop watching it. i guess i was never good at seeing a show end. i think this is what happeend with friends for me too. i watched through like the 9th season, and then after that i kind of stopped. i really should finish it up, i mean i'm not really making it any different by decideding to finish it or not, because i'm still not watching it now...
well, if you managed to read through all of that, i'll give you a treat and talk about my sex life, or lack thereof. i don't mean to say that c and i haven't done anything, because we have done things of a sexual nature, it's just we haven't actually had sex. but it kind of seems like to me that c just isn't really interested in sex with me lately. and i think i know why: it's because he's badly out of shape and whenver we do it, he usually ends up doing most of the work. and since he's out of shape, he's too lazy to have sex. and honestly as good as sex feels, i think sometimes he prefers the other stuffs. maybe because it requires way less work of him? in any case, the lack of sex between us makes me feel like i'm drifting from him. it's only been about 2 weeks i think, i guess i can finally see why people who haven't had sex in their marriage for years would want to get divorced. i mean, it's not really that bad between us, but not doing it makse me feel very far away from him. this is kinda weird coming from me too, because i usually don't care for sex. or at least, i really don't like to do it too much. maybe once or twice a week is enough for me. the main reason for this is i tend to very easily get urinary tract infections from having too much sex, so because of that i tend to avoid trying to have too much sex. in any case, i hope we do it soon, because i think i'm actually feeling kind of down because of it. :( i really miss him. but on a plus note, our kisses have been great.
i still have 20 minutes of work left, so i guess i'll just point out that i feel really restless lately. i really don't like that i'm not doing anything. as much as i enjoy watching stuff on netflix, there's a part of me that honestly feels like i'm wasting my life away like this. i undersatnd i'm in control of my own destiny and if i want anything to change, i need to step up and make the change, but i just can't seem to know what i'm supposed to be doing, and i kind of wish the change would happen on it's own, but that's just wishful thinking, that kind of stuff just doesn't happen.