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@ 4:36 p.m.
goddddddddddddammit. what a terrible time for firefox to just up and crash like that. so i've been getting a lot "firefox sucks cause it crashes so much" lately, but i was defending it saying i've never had a problem with it, and then of course it decided that while i was writing an entry to crash. great. just fucking great. i'm using google chrome now. maybe i'll just start using this instead.
so i haven't written in awhile, but then again neither has a lot of people on here. i was pretty surprised. i've been meaning to write, but it's just been pretty damn busy, but the truth of the matter is that nothing has changed anyway so it's not really worth mentioning.
okay, so work is busy as always, i keep wondering when it's going to calm down, but i haven't seen it happen yet. the new girl came in tuesday, and she's very... quiet. i guess they all are when they're new. i like her better than the old new girl because she works a lot faster, and she seems less dumb and she works faster and yea, all around better stuff. the thing is, she seems old! i wonder why someone her age would work there. it's not like she'd get paid much. i doubt it. god i'd have a raging fit if i found out she made more than me. oh yea, there's also some other new girl, but she's doing solely sales. i am really surprised how much she's just making herself home at the office. she and the boss act like they've been best friends forever. it's kind of weird.
besides that, c still hasn't found a job, i was helping him look sometimes, but now i really don't even have the time to do that, so it's up to him really. he's still looking i know but there doesn't seem to be much hope.
i might as well talk about this... well, i was raised by my chinese mom who heavily believes in fortune, luck, destiny, chinese horoscope/astrological related things, feng shui and etc. and i for the most part don't really buy most of that shit, but something my mom has always said about me is that i'll have good fortune and i have good luck. my mom has always claimed that she has never been lucky or had good fortune. (she seems fine to me), but anyway, more and more i honestly believe that i do have good future. how else is it that i managed to get a job? i didn't apply to nearly as many places as c did, but i actually got a response, and a job.
actually, c's lack of luck makes me heavily believe in my mom's silly superstitions. how long has c been looking for a job, and yet he doesn't manage to catch a break. and in general with things that require a combination of luck and work, c has never had the luck to succeed. that's why i'm so damn worried about this job thing. what if he never gets one? x_x and then i'm doubly, triply more worried about the fact of what if he's luck is so bad that he won't get into a school? schools will be giving out their decisions soon and even though i'm not the one getting informed whether i've made or not, i feel that this affects me almost as much as it affects him. if he doesn't make it, i don't know what the fuck he's gonna do, and i don't think there's anything i could do to make it better for him. i have no idea what i would do! (like he would have no idea what he'd do) and i fear that he will fall so deep into depression that i'm not sure i could bring him out of it. WHAT THEN?
god, thinking about it freaks the hell out of me, and i can't even talk to him about it. he's nervous about it too and talked to me about it a couple times, and have gotten nervous that he won't be able to get into anything. i've been comforting to him and telling him he's crazy, but the truth is that i have no clue what will happen. i'm probably just as worried as he is, and i can't tell him that because he's not strong enough to comfort me. that's probably the way it'll always be... it sucks. never realized that not having someone to lie to me, saying it'll be okay is something to be heavily missed.
i wish he's luck would turn around. even being with me hasn't caused his luck to change at all. i just worry about it all the time, and it doesn't change anything. if i believed in god, i would pray, but i don't, so all i can do is hope and hope, and hope that my hoping and my luck will be good enough to get him what he wants.
a couple weeks ago c got pulled over by a cop. i was thinking goddamnit fuck, because his luck is just like that- being pulled over by cops (he's driven about half the time i have, but have been pulled over more than me). but wow, we got lucky. apparantly he got pulled over because one of his headlights had gone out, and he was giving c a fix it ticket to get the lights replaced. it really made me wonder if someone was trying to reassure me that c will be okay.
god, i know i'm gonna freak the fuck out if some things don't end up as planned.
on a totally different note, i'm thinking that i should quit ro. i can't be decisive enough unforunately just to say i'm going to do it. i'm goign to quit, i can only think about it and kinda do it but not really pull it off. but anyway, i'm thinking about not playing anymore, because the only person that i really cared about- the guild leader, jason- the one i had a mild crush on -which i no longer do now- he said on vent (voice-style chat room) that he would like to me participate in woe. no, that he needed me to participate in it. there was a lot of people listening so i felt kind of embarrased about it. woe is basically guild vs guild battles. you go around as a guild and break castles and you get rewards if you hold your castle etc. but i basically hate woe. it's really boring. it sounds exciting, but believe me, what may have once been exciting is no longer that way. it just bothered me so much that he would almost force me to play woe when i didn't want to. i understand though- that i really have no value in the guild because i don't woe. that's what guilds come down to, everyone just wants to have people to play during woe and gain more rewards for the guild. i don't do that and now he's sick of it apparently. he even went out so far as to say that he can only help people that can woe. i never knew he would be like this. i feel almost betrayed. i guess the whole thing has gotten me so upset because i didn't think he'd be like that. but i guess he's tired of seeing me reaping in all these benefits and not deserving it. well fuck him, and fuck the damn game. nobody does anything with me and i dont relaly know why i'm still playing it, fuck.
in other really random but awesome news, i finally managed to contact my old pen pal. it's actually kind of quite amazing. i haven't spoken (by that i mean written) to her in over 5 years, so it's really awesome that i have another pen pal i could now write with.
on a totally different note, i've been thinking more and more about writing, writing novels, i relaly want to be more than what i am and i want to make something of myself, the problem is writing just isn't as easy as i remember it being. why is it so hard now? i don't really understand. i sometimes really wish i had someone to talk to...