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@ 4:35 p.m.
i'm pretty sure i said some pretty awful things last time, that i really dont want to read or think about reading.
this weekend was OK. but again, leaving c sucks. i really wish we had our own place, so that i could come home to him instead of just seeing him on the weekends, but then that all goes back to when is he going to get a job so that he could help pay for the rent?? @_@
i guess i'm frustrated with him (well obviously)
but i really do love him though and i'm not going to leave him.
i just wish he'd get some of his act together, and you know i've been with him for 3 years and i haven't really seen much of that happen, so that makes me worried that what if he'll always be like this?
and as for the christmas thing. i guess he does have money to get me something. he keeps asking me what i want.. but i really don't know.
i did see this really nice jacket at macy's the other day. and he was with me, i thought he'd kinda be smart enough to figure out that, i'd want that. but then in the end, i did decide that i didn't look that great in it. so it's hard to say if he'll get me it, and honestly, if he got it for me, it could go either way. on the one hand, i'd be happy he got it for me, but on the other hand, i'd have to wonder how good i look in it.
but speaking of looking good. i finally joined a gym last weeks, so i'm going to work really hard to loose weight. my goal hasn't changed, i still want to loose 55 lbs, so i'd end up at 120. and if i manage to lose 20 lbs by my birthday (feb 8), my mom will buy me a watch (those expensive thousand dollar ones), and i'm really excited because i really want to do this, and not only that, i REALLY want to get rid of all this weight once and for all. but a part of me is really scared that once i really give it my all, and really try... what if i still don't lose any weight. what if i'm like just supposed to be fat. i know this sounds crazy, but i feel like it's a totally legitimite fear. if it doesn't work out this time, i can't imagine that i'd try harder than i already am. i'd probably end up accepting that's just the way the cookie crumbles.