i just wish to be able to wish
@ 5:28 p.m.
gotta make this quick so i'll try.
i hate it when i look back on old stuff and i start questioning myself. like for example, should i talk to eric again? there's a question that's been plaguing me for years. on the one hand, it'll be great to have a friend again, but you know eric and i do have a history. i'm not so much worried that i'll be attractive again, but more so worried that c couldn't handle it. but besides that, there's the fact that is there a point to befriending eric anyway? a part of me really wants to, but couldn't that just be my stupid self talking?
i was trying (being the keyword here) to clean my room a little (and well i guess i did clean a little) and i ran across my old written diary, i think the last one i had kept, towards my last year of high school, (and boy the entries in there are sparodic), but i had actually forgotten about it because i hadn't written it very well consecutively in days. it was like 3 entries a month and then no word for 3 months. anyway, i started reading it and it made me a little nostaligic, and it made me laugh that i tried to make him sound so great, and i was giving myself such a chance to forgive him. maybe it made me think highly of myself, i dunno. but when i think about him now, i don't think he was that great of a guy at all (maybe that's why i feel so confident that i wont fall for him), in fact after i had written those entries i learned a lot in retrospect of the situation and frankly, he was a jerk to me, but yet we had so much fun together, and i guess i'm longing for someone to have fun with. it really sucks that there's NOBODY besides c. so i hate this whole dancing around this thing. i thought i had decided a couple of months ago that i wouldn't bother with trying to talk to him? god wtf.
but anyway, i came across to something i wrote, basically mentioning what he wrote in my yearbook, and then of course instead of cleaning anymore, i was looking for my old yearbook that was actually packed and nicely put away (although i did put it back), and i found it.
actually i was surprised that when i read eric's comment it didn't bring me tears to my eyes. actually what he wrote in there hardly ever bothered me. it affected my feelings about as much as "have a good summer". but actually what i found more surprising was the comments that i read from my other friends, things with inside jokes, and in particular a comment that jed said in the yearbook "CFS is an intelligent club. not everyone can join" how could i possibly explain the humor behind that if people didn't know what he was like, like the way i knew him. and honestly, i read the comments that people had written, and i honestly think that i used to love the way i was, and the people that i loved brought it out of me. but now those people are gone, and i feel like i've managed to lose a part of myself that i've loved along with my friends. it's like losing 2 things. and i really want at least half of each things back.
and i read what mrs. moreau said about me. she had such high hopes in me, and when i read it, it made me cry. i feel like if she knew what i was doing now, she'd be totally disappointed in me. i can't believe she thought so highly of me, and what i ended up being able to do was really.. not much at all. she said she had no doubt of my success, but now really, what success do i or will i have? i feel like such a failure really. and who knows if anything i've written in this entry really means anything in the end.
i've written entries very similar to this before, and it didn't change me one bit. i wish i could possibly wake up to some thing one day so that i could possibly learn to better myself. but it probably won't happen, and that's why i think i'm so fucked up.
maybe i'm not really nearly as normal as everyone else thinks. maybe my mindset is a disease. afterall, i fucking live like i'm 40 years old, as if i've experienced everything and nothing really excites me. i feel like life is overrated. doesn't that mean something is wrong with me?
and this new car that i'm getting, i should be fucking excited. but then why don't i feel that way whatsoever? i just feel... eh. whatever. seems like more work to maintain a car, when i could keep my current one that works decently well for so much cheaper...
i wish i wanted more.