impossible-to-fill void that will never be filled
@ 8:24 a.m.
*now that i have time i'm gonna try to re-write what i wrote yesterday*
i realized that i feel this emptiness from him no longer loving me. i wish he would continue to love me and want me. it's just such a cold awakening to realize that he doesn't anymore and because he doesn't there's a deep void that seems unavoidable. maybe i shouldn't have contacted him after all and lived in this pitiful existance and belived that he still loves me. it was as if the prince charming in my figurative imagination decided suddenly that he no longer loved me. how can he just do that to me? now i'm left with this impossible void that i know could never be filled. but it doesn't seem to make me want to stop trying. i feel like in my head, I am scheming things to try to get him to fill this void.
i was thinking about not talking to him anymore so much to the point that i'd want him to wonder if i was dead. i want to say that i want this cause it's me wanting a healthy cut off from ever talking to him again, but i know the truth is that i just want him to miss me. and my book that i'm (not) working on (very well) is loosely suggestive of the feelings that he possibly used to have for me. well, that i hoped he had for me. and i want to write it for the sake that when he reads it, it'd remind him of SOMETHING.
i dont know what it should matter. after all if the void was filled, would anything change? i can't imagine him being more to me than what he is now. i guess i just wanted his love all my life. maybe that's the thign about first loves. they make me sound batshit insane crazy. i just wish i wasn't left with this void that could never be filled, and i wish i didn't feel this immense... *SOMETHING* for this void to be filled. why does this matter so much to me? honestly this entry could totally be sumed up: i want him to notice me but i'm still going to ignore him.
i must be fucking insane, but then why is this void so unavoidable. ever since i found he no longer loves me, i just feel like a part of me will never be completely whole again. i reserved a part of my heart for him. and even though he'd probably say that he has for me too, i just feel like it's not the same anymore. like maybe he doesn't love me as much, or it's a different kind of love. whatever it is, it's not enough. why can't it be like it used to be. it's weird that he was in love with me for so many years, that now that it's gone the void is so deep for me. i have still loved him with the same steady feeling, and to know that he could be over me sucks. but wtf am i saying. haven't i been over him all these years? or is the irony that i have never gotten over him?
it's not like i really want to be with him, i just want things to go back to the way it was. why can't he just stayed himself? maybe the problem is that i'm in love with the past after all.
*btw i think my arguments were better in my entry that got deleted*