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@ 11:53 p.m.
i keep meaning to write and i'm pretty sure that over the past week or so i've opened up this page, just to some how end up not writing or... something else comes up. now that i'm here i forget what i've been meaning to write about.
since i last left off on mangas... i've still been doing that. i haven't been reading them as much, mostly because i've been busier. i have been kinda on ro, but i'm really not on it as much as i was before.
i've been meaning to make a new template, but i honestly just haven't had the time.
my netflix account started up again because i forgot to put it on hold. i really don't have the time to make the most of the money, not like i used to, so i dunno if i should put it on hold again or not. i guess after i finish this entry i'll go watch the movie.
still haven't found any work, but that's because i haven't been trying. i found out that becky (marco's friend that he was sleeping with awhile back; she got back together with her old boyfriend) got a job apparently. i mean, i'm pretty sure it's absolute shit at minimum wage, but i wonder if maybe i should just ask around everywhere in person, just to get any job at all. i am very fucking poor at the moment. I ended up spending way more money than i should've, so i'm like down to $100. i can't remember the last time i had so little money.
marcos suggested that i apply and try to be a teacher. apparently it's not that hard if you have a bachelor's degree. it's not a bad idea i suppose. honestly, i dunno what the fuck i'm supposed to be doing. i wish somebody had given me more direction when i was in college.
me and c have been kinda eh lately. i had a dream about chris a few nights ago. basically, i broke up with c to be with chris. it was kinda weird. i seemed really happy with chris... it was a nice dream, and probably what it would always be. there's no way that i'd leave c for chris. i'm more than sure that chris is still an asshole. but it startled me that i had a dream about him, i haven't been thinking about him at all. i've been thinking a little bit about jeff lately. i guess i only think about him when things between c and i aren't so good. i'm pretty sure i mention this before, but to me jeff represents the possibility of a perfect love, but when i think about it rationally, i realize that i doubt things between us would be perfect. just because he was my first love, i believe anything could happen between us, but then i just remind myself that i'm stupid, and i'm reminded of a few bad qualities that he had and then i realize that that whole path is a bad idea.
c and i don't have sex as often as we used to. i wonder if this is because we've been together so long. it's so weird because for the longest time when we first started dating, i always kinda hoped that he wouldn't want to do it so often. many a times even though i wasn't interested in it, i still had to act like i was because i would feel bad if i turned him down. and so when we were doing it sometimes, i realized that i would rather be doing something else and i would wander in my head if this would constitute as rape (but each time i came to the conclusion it wasn't). and now that we've been together so long, it's like he's no longer interested. more than half the time, all he wants is a blowjob. he says that he's too lazy/ out of shape for sex. i don't think that he's lying, but this just goes to show for me that everyone and everything gets boring in some way or form after awhile. i mean, i'm pretty sure he even takes for granted the fact that i'm on the pill. i bet he would miss it a shitload if i stopped taking them... and it's only been like 4 or 5 months since i started taking them.
affection-wise, i guess he's still about the same. i guess he loves me, but it's weird.. before, i thought that he just wanted me for the sex, and just wanted my body. now i ponder if he really loves me because he doesn't make love to me.
i dunno how i feel lately. i keep thinking about the sex we had after my birthday, when we almost broke up. what happened to sex like that? and what happened to feeling like that? there's a strain between us and i feel it but i have no clue where it's coming from. but i don't think c has any clue of how i'm feeling or the strain. i don't really want to say anything because i wouldn't be able to explain it anyway.
there's always so much more to talk about but i guess i'm tired now.
i realized that if i write more often, i would have more things to write about. it's because i never write that when i update, i feel like there's nothing to say because everything is mundane. but i realize now everything that's mundane is what i want to talk about. but there's just so many things that it would take forever to write them all out and i honestly dunno where to start.