sex with the scratch marks and the pain and oh yea the great joy too
@ 9:08 a.m.
i might as well tell you that this entry might be a little too personal or graphic for your liking and if that's the case you can just stop reading right here.
last night was amazing! this is probably what happens when you don't have sex for like 2 weeks.
first of all, my plans for surprising him with the birth control pill thing didn't work out the way i planned, but nonetheless it was no big deal. i started telling him during the middle of sex that he should come inside me and he laughed, sounded a little worried, and stated that it's funny because usually he's the one that says those kinda things, not me. he was saying things like "honey, you know we shouldn't" and "what if you get pregnant?" so i guess it looked like it wasn't going to work out that way. i really wanted him to just come inside me and then get all worried about it after and i would be like "surprise!" but i was pretty sure that he wasn't going to do it. and i think that if i had pushed him further to do it, he would've realized on his own that maybe i went on the pill, and that's why i'm okay with it. because usually, i'm the one saying things like "you know we shouldn't" and "what if i get pregnant?" for me to suddenly not care about these things and want the opposite usually signals that something has changed.
finally, i just told him that i had a secret. and he guessed that i was on the pill, when i said yes he couldn't even believe me. he was like "no way!" and completely shocked, even though he guessed it right.
the sex itself was pretty damn good. i'm pretty sure it had something to do with the fact that i haven't had any in 2 weeks and honestly, it just felt fucking great when he entered me. it turns out that i scratched him really hard in several places on his back. this surprised me because i've never done something like this before. he stopped at one point and told me that his back was hurting. i apologized and he said it was okay cause it turned him on. but at the time, i was thinking in my head "what, you can't handle my nails a little?" but afterwards, i saw the marks i left on him and they actually did look painful, and he was bleeding a little. i was really surprised at how much i must've been into it considering i had no idea i was doing that. the marks kinda reminded me of when i used to do that to myself in abuse. i wasn't really sad about it... but you know come to think of it, i'm really glad i don't do things like that anymore. it was such a silly habit. anyway, it makes me really happy overall that something like this happened because this is something i used to read about in books, and i always thought "ha! that must just be something that romantic people dream about." and it's great cause at least i know at one time in my life, i had that. last night was simply amazing.
anyway, he came inside me a total of 4 times. and it was fucking awesome too. we took a shower together afterward and that was wonderful too. i remember when i first started taking showers with him it was so awesome, and lately i haven't felt the same about it. it's really stupid to me because we would shower together, but we wouldn't really do anything, and i found myself thinking a lot that "what's the point? we might as well be taking separate showers." but yesterday was nice.
afterwards though i couldn't help but be a little worried. i wasn't sure if 2 weeks on the pill was long enough, and i also wasn't sure about how exact the timing had to be about the pill. i know i said i was going to take it at 12pm. but i wanted to start the pill right away and i didn't want to wait for the next day, so i started it at 8pm. i've been taking the pill at around 6-8pm. i read up about my pill and apparently i can have unprotected sex as soon as i start my first pill. and as for the timing issue, i've read up in a couple of websites that say that it doesn't even matter what time i take it as long as i take it daily. i also saw a few website that say within 3 hours of everyday is considered okay. so i feel fairly safe about the possibility of pregnancy.
it's weird, you know? i feel like i'm actually taking some other pill that's not supposed to prevent pregnancy, and i feel so paranoid that the pills i'm actually taking are placebos or something like that. it's just hard to imagine that i don't have to use protection anymore.
the only thing that's bothering me now is that sleeping at night isn't as great as i would like it. we start out holding each other, but usually some time during the night my shoulders will get tired or stiff so i'll turn to the other direction, and what'll end up happening is him instead of spooning me, he'll turn the opposite direction. he knows i'd prefer him next to me, but he doesn't do it. i think he kind of is aware of what's he's doing, but i dunno. maybe i should talk to him about it.
on a different note. a lot of times, the region around where my entrance is is painful after sex. it's painful to like touch and i'm pretty sure it has to do with the fact that it's dry there during sex. i tried lube last night to make it better, but it didn't help that much more cause it still kinda hurt. and also that lube made me feel a slight burning sensation afterward. well i'm pretty sure it was the lube anyway. i don't think it was the semen doing that.
bleh, this is probably something i should talk to my doctor about.
oh yeah, this morning, he cooked me breakfast! i feel like it's been really great between us ever since our almost breakup. every day i am so thankful to be with him now and i don't take him for granted anymore. i mean, there are still problems between us but i think we are working on some of them. but more importantly and most of all, i have never loved him so much before.