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@ 12:20 p.m.
when he calls me i never really want to answer. i feel like maybe i'm being that fickle person again, that changes her mind about who she dates overnight. since dating c, i never thought that i would go through that again, becaues i thought me and c was gonna be together forever. but now when he calls me i get kinda annoyed, i don't feel there's anything to talk about and i just want to be left alone.
i keep thinking about jeff, and what i think of him. i wonder if it's just some kind of infatuation because of our past. i wonder if it's because i am not satisified with my life, with my current relationship, and that i just want to find something more meaningful, that i put this all onto jeff, as if he is something so great, and that i would be able to attain everything i wanted if i were with him. like, life would have more meaning. what do i really know about him anymore? the truth is, that i know nothing. yet, i can so easily still believe that he's the one.
i really don't know what the fuck i'm doing anymore. i would just like someone to talk to, to confide in about these feelings, but i fucking know nothing. i kind of want to talk to bryan, but i dunno what good that will do even if i could talk to him.
i contacted danny the other day. i haven't talked to him in about 2 years, i kind of regretted that i did. i guess i was thinking about eric when i did because i wanted to know how he was doing, but i wonder if danny and eric are even friends anymore. last i heard, i thought danny couldn't stand eric anymore. god, that was a different time. amazing how things change, from danny dating jessica, me dating eric, and all of us being friends and double dating, to this.. no one talking to each other anymore. it sounded kinda like danny wanted to talk to me. i told him about my apathy, and it sounds like he is bothered by it. maybe he wants to change me. i say why bother. i just want to be left alone. i really think i shouldn't have talked to him. what if he doesn't leave me alone now?
also, i decided to temporary unlock this. it'll be locked again, i just don't know when.