I'm not suicidal
@ 12:54 p.m.
I've been feeling somewhat lost and I suppose this could be considered depression. For the first time in many, many months, work has stopped being so stressful and I can honestly say that I've not done more than an hour's worth of work yesterday and Monday. I feel like a bored housewife, like nothing has any meaning anymore. I can't really complain, at least I shouldn't be complaining because objectively I know that I'm lucky. I live in a nice house. I have a nice car (now that c's bought me a new Tesla for Christmas). I have a nice job. I have a nice relationship with my husband. I have a nice life, period. I should be happy, and I want to say I am, but I can feel that that's not how I feel. This is why I think I'm a bored housewife. A housewife is provided for by her husband, and she can do whatever she wants during the day, so long as she's finished her chores (or make sure the nanny does lol), but freedom is nothing unless there's something one desperately wants to do with that freedom. Maybe what I'm saying is that my lack of interests and hobbies have finally caught up to me that I actually do feel bored all the time.
I don't think I'm suicidal, but I was picturing the scene if I were to shoot myself in my car. I don't have a gun, so don't worry. I don't think I actually want to kill myself anyway.
I feel further frustrated trying to write this out to be honest. It all felt so much simpler and easier to understand in my head, but after writing a paragraph, it feels like I haven't been able to make my point across. I'm not even sure what I'm trying to say anymore. I wish there was something I was interested in. I wish I had passion for something. Lately, I come home and I don't want to do anything. I'm putting things off I really shouldn't. I just don't feel like myself.
You know, it's not a terrible thing to have problems in life. It gives you something to focus on, something to work towards. It's distracting. In a way, in a very fundamental way, I have no problems, which I feel is leading to my feeling bored. However, while I do recognize this, I by no means want problems. It just seems like it's all culminating to nothingness. It seems like nothing really matters. I don't really matter, and besides my husband, I don't feel like anything or anyone else really matters to me. Even my cats whom I thought would make me feel better in having company... Well, I just don't know how sad I would be if they were gone. Sometimes I wonder what will happen in my cat's old age. If they were diagnosed with some sickness later on in life and they were a pain to take care of, I wonder if I would be a cold hearted person that would take them back to the county because I wouldn't want to take care of them anymore cause it would be too much trouble.
It just all feels like I'm a big nothing.
My mom is currently out of the country. In a way, it's been easy not having to think about that or deal with her. I did miss her the first week she was gone. It felt very different not talking to her every day. Now that I've gotten used to that, it feels as if I've forgotten all about that. It's made me wonder if once she's passed, how much it would actually affect me.
No real point to this entry really but I bet I could read this 10 years from now and still relate... either that or have no idea what I'm talking about.