rabbit hole?
@ 11:55 a.m.
My thoughts haven't really traveled far since my last entry. I've still been thinking about Jason. I think I'm probably romanticizing it too much, like we'll have some kind of happy friendship reunion and it will lead to some meaningful friendship, but I guess maybe if it doesn't even end up like that I'm willing to give it a try. At times like this, I really wish I had a friend I could ask about this, and it's one of the reasons I would love to be friends with him. I just keep thinking though that I'm reading too much into it. I'm looking at this too positively. I'm trying to remember the aspect that he was always quiet and kept his feelings and thoughts to himself. It was one of the things that made it hard for me to become close friends with him. But then I think back to a comment he said to me once... I thought he had closer friends but he said that they didn't understand him or know him at all, that I was a much closer friend. It can only amount to that he has a hard time opening up in general, and I think I always knew this. I think I would be okay with it. Wouldn't I? I kind of just think, what's the point? At this point, I'm middle aged and everyone's got their friendships established. They don't want some old loser stalker friend that they knew in high school to bother them. At least that's what I'm really worried I'll come off as.
After digging through my yearbook and thoroughly thinking about it, I have two ways that I could try to initiate contact with him. The first one is to try the phone number he wrote in my yearbook. Since this was in 2005, I can only assume that he left his parents' home phone number. I don't think Jason had a cell phone then. Obviously the first thing is, I have no idea if this phone number is still valid. Most people have gotten rid of their land lines now cause everyone uses a cell phone. Or if it actually is Jason's cell phone number, I'm sure the number has changed by now. I changed my cell phone number so many times in college. If the number is in fact valid, I'm unsure if I want to go for this option when weighed against the second option. Option two is to go to his parents' house. I'm pretty sure I am correctly remembering which house his parents live in. I looked up on Redfin that the house was last sold in 1990 which is probably when his parents bought it, which is to say his parents should still be there. I don't actually think Jason lives there anymore, but I would think that his parents would be willing to provide me with his phone number. Or at the very least, they could pass along my phone number. I've been thinking that maybe I shouldn't bother them though, so I could just leave a note in their mailbox. The thing is, if I do that and I don't hear a response from Jason, I'll always wonder if it was because Jason didn't want to contact me, or if I just had it wrong, that his parents doesn't live there. This is also why I'm not sure which option is better. I don't want to do option two, and it turns out that Jason just doesn't want to talk to me, but I instead take that as it was the wrong house and then try option one and calling him, and it goes through. That seems awkward. It sounds like I should try option one first...
But do I want to do any of this? This is where I wish I had a friend to give me advice and their opinion on whether I'm acting insane. Would you want to hear from an old friend from high school after well over 15 years? I would think I wouldn't mind it, unless it was someone I didn't like. I want to say I'm not doing that. But what if I'm wrong? After all, only Jason can decide if I am someone he wants to hear from.
Then there's the fact that I'm thinking about this whole thing maybe too much? Am I going down some terrible rabbit hole in which I'm being a huge stalker? I wish this was a few years ago and he still had his facebook account. Then I could've just messaged him on there as I had planned and wouldn't have to think so much about this. I had a vivid dream last night that we had met up and exchanged hugs and I told him I had missed him. It sounds crazy thinking about it now. Have I missed him? I can't tell if I'm just lonely and sometimes wish I had someone to talk to. Would anyone work? Maybe not just anyone, but as long as they were a friend. I think I'm scared of possible rejection considering either of the options sounds a bit stalkerish. I'm worried that I've just been a terrible friend. Like I should've just done better. I think a big part of that has to do with me feeling like I'm not good enough. I still feel that way.
If only I knew how to keep friends. I don't even think I'm a terrible person or that I would be a terrible friend - so long as I kept talking to them. I just don't know how to keep contact.